Mutagenic Fluids

. . . Sir, if I'm understanding you correctly, and you mean to imply that you would like your acquisition to... Transform you into a centaur in the act of, ah, fluid exchange, then I fear you will be disappointed. Studs 'R' Us is a legitimate establishment, and we have not, nor ever would, conspire to such a violation of government legislation... And the laws of nature.

Yes, but that doesn't mean- Uh-huh, I understand that, but-

. . . Well, you have a point. It does say 'any man to suit your needs'. I can see you've studied our pamphlet... Intently. Would you please hold?

[ You hold, and brew a cup of tea while listening to the ten-second loop of grainy jazz being played from the other end, and, about half an hour later, the operator returns]

Ahem. Sir? I've just been in conference with the lab boys upstairs, and they have informed me that there indeed exists a formula they had been working on - for purely theoretical research purposes, you understand - that might have suited your individual... Needs... But that they encountered certain, uh... Budgetary and ethical obstacles, and the project is on indefinite hold. Not to mention that it simply, uh... Would not come together correctly.

Not that it could have been made available to you anyway. Sorry about that. Could I interest you in a fire-breathing centaur with seven eyes, eight legs, and a few additional appendages, perhaps?

. . . Oh. I see. Really? That much, huh? Well, ah. . .

. . . Give us six weeks. [Click]