Mud puddles

I never wanted the rain to end. I wanted to just stay there, wrapped in his strong arms, safe in his heat, with my post-orgasmic pulses matching the beating of his heart, forever. The thing about those heavy Spring rains, though, is they don’t last long. I felt like I hadn’t even caught my breath before the downpour turned to a steady patter, then a trickle, then stopped altogether, only the drip-drip-drip from the gas station overhang left.

Derek insisted on driving me home, and insisted on having my wet bike in the back with my wet ass next to him on the front bench seat. I hesitated for a moment before telling him where I lived, but when he put his arm around me his warmth melted what was left of my resistance. I stayed like that the whole drive, leaned against him, his arm keeping me secure. Our town is pretty tiny, especially when you have a car, and before I knew it we were pulling into my gravel driveway, a small sigh of relief escaping me as I saw my Dad’s work van still gone.

I follow Derek out the driver side door, not sure what to do as I stand next to him. I mean, I know what I want to do. I want to kiss him more, fold myself into his arms and disappear in his strong touch. For some reason the thought of inviting him inside never crosses my mind, I guess that still just feels like a step too far even after what just happened. But what do I actually do? Give him a handshake?

He saves me the awkwardness, leaning back against his car and looking up at the sky. “Gorgeous.”

My eyes follow his gaze up, and I let out a little gasp. He’s right. The clouds have started to break up a little, and the lowering sun is painting the scalloped sky in patches of gold and pink around islands of pure blue, splashed across the rolling shades of grey leftover from the storm. I take a deep breath through my nose, filling my lungs with clean air and the scent of damp earth. Leaning back against the car next to Derek, my body still tingling with the intensity of what he made me feel, I’m overwhelmed with an unfamiliar sense of peace, contentment… happiness.

My fingers twitch, and I’m about to reach out to grab his hand, hold it, squeeze my fingers between his, when I stop myself. I remember. I remember who he is. I remember what he did. He bullied me, hurt me, **** himself on me. He still has that picture of me on his phone. What am I doing? Why am I letting myself feel this way?

Why is he being so sweet all of a sudden?

“Why are you doing this?” I snap my mouth shut, shocked that I allowed my thoughts to escape the safety of my mind. I look over at him out of the corner of my eye, and see him looking back at me, that sharp smile on his face.

“Doing what?”

“Doing… why… just… all of this? Why me?”

He chuckles and looks back at the sky. “‘Cause I can.”

“But why ME?” I snap my mouth shut again, surprised at the **** of my own voice. I feel something inside, bubbling up, something strange and scary.

He looks back at me and raises an eyebrow. “Why not?” He tilts his head. “Alright, alright. You’re different, Cassie. I can get whatever I want from whoever I want, but it’s all so… I know what I’m getting. I dunno what your deal is, and I want to. I want to see what you’re hiding. I want to be the one to get inside that shell.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. “Derek, I…” No one has ever talked to me like this before. I don’t know if I want to scream or cry or laugh or kiss him. “Why do you have to be so mean about it?”

He blows a little raspberry. “Shit, mean?” He laughs. “I dunno, I guess ‘cause it’s fun?”

That something bubbling up inside boils over now. “Fun? FUN?! That’s all this is to you, fun? You’re having fun with me?” I suck in a huge breath, more to stop the words from spilling out than anything else.

That sharp smile is back on his face. “What, you’re not having fun?” He holds two fingers under my nose, forcing me to smell myself, smell that part of me he **** himself into. “That wasn’t fun?”

I’m trembling, shaking. “What the fuck… what the fuck is wrong with you?”

He laughs, crossing his arms and looking back up at the sky. “A lot, probably.”

Now that the peak of my emotion has passed, now that I’ve let my feelings out in a torrent only for them to wash harmlessly over his smug grin, I just feel empty. I look down, screwing my face up to keep myself from crying. The gravel in the driveway is littered with cigarette butts and filled with mud puddles, the water in them perfectly still, little irregular mirrors reflecting the beauty of the sky above, patches of heaven in the muck. Something about them makes the burgeoning tears in my eyes dry up, and replaces the emptiness inside with a feeling I can’t put a name to.

What the fuck is wrong with him? What the fuck is wrong with me? I still feel a little tingle being so close to him. I still feel warm inside when I imagine his arms around me or his lips against mine. These moments, these sensations, these experiences have felt like someone else’s life has suddenly come crashing into mine. It doesn’t feel like it should be happening to me, but it is. And despite everything, despite him, I want it.

“What about Mina?” I still can’t look up.

Derek shifts against the car. “What about Mina?”

“She’s your girlfriend.”

“And?”

“And what am I?”

He reaches out, his big strong hand cupping my cheek and forcing me to look up at him. “You’re what I want.” And then he kisses me.

He’s tender this time, not squeezing me, not forcing my mouth open with his tongue, just gently holding my face to his and pressing his lips to mine. There’s a surge inside me, a fountain of joy welling up from my core, and my heart shrinks against it. My heart remembers his words. I’m not his girlfriend. He’s having fun with me. That’s all I am.

And I still never want this kiss to end.

He finally pulls away, his hand still on my cheek, his thumb brushing softly against my lips as his green eyes drink mine in. His sharp smile is back. “Glad we can still have fun.” He plants a kiss on my forehead as I look down at the ground. “See ya tomorrow, Cassie.”

Derek gets back in his car and pulls out of my driveway just in time for my Dad’s work van to pull into it. I freeze in place. Did he see? He had to have seen. No one ever comes to visit our house. How much did he see?

My Dad turns the ignition off and jumps out of the van, staring down the road at Derek’s old yellow mustang as it drives back toward town. He looks at me, back at the diminishing car, and then to me again. “Was that…” he rubs his hands over his face. “You were kissing him. You kissed that boy!”

My stomach is tying itself in knots, my voice feels like it’s stuck in my throat. All I can do is nod.

My Dad looks down the road again even though the mustang is well out of sight, then back at me. “He’s so handsome!” A goofy grin breaks out on his face. I can’t remember seeing him look so happy. “And you kissed him! Ahaha Cass! My girl!”

He wraps me up in a hug, one of those big all-encompassing Dad hugs that he used to give me when I was little. Small as I am my Dad isn’t much bigger than me, so my face is pressed into his shoulder as I try not to cry. I feel utterly absurd right now. Part of me wants to cry with joy, my Dad’s happiness and his touch bringing back memories of simpler times, better times. Another part of me wants to cry because how can I possibly tell my Dad what’s actually happening? Do I even know what’s happening?

He breaks the hug and squeezes my shoulders with his hands, beaming a proud smile at me that shrivels my heart. “I can’t wait to meet your boyfriend!”