Loneliness

Ilsa Kellerman sighed heavily. She had just gotten used to sleeping in this place when she became the night nurse, but now she was back to being awake during the day. And at night. It was enough to drive a person mad. She paced the empty, dim dining room, occasionally sipping at some too hot tea. She hated training, always had, or at least did after her first deployment. She had a hard time pretending after seeing what real truly was. This training was at least unique, but it was still training; treating real injures caused by fake crisis. Or she was anyway. One case of pneumonia, and a sleeping person to watch over, wasn’t exactly what she pictured Mars training to be; she almost wished someone would get injured. Almost, not actually, even if it would alleviate the boredom a little. Besides, if nothing else it would make her feel useful, wanted even.

She told herself to give it time. The fact was, this was a short part of a very long mission, and this part was just one fraction of it. In the meantime, it was hard to relate with the rest of the crew. Kellerman was used to a very different sort of crowd with a different background. They had the same unity of purpose as the army, same discipline (to a point), but there was something alien to these academics. Eric Alain was no help in this regard. As a Bundeswehr medic, she had about as much in common with a French fighter pilot as she had with The Professor. He’d flown over the same ground she walked, sure, but that was another world far away. Though, she admitted to herself, where she was going was also a world away.

They had a common goal, shared dreams, and massive backing, this was a good venture. She had to remind himself on occasion why she was going. All those nights in the loneliest places in the world, she’d look up into the sky and see the planets and all the problems of the world around her seemed so temporary, and so unnecessary. She had made the right choices to get exactly where she wanted to be, but every single one of those choices hurt. George worst of all.

She rubbed the spot on her finger where her wedding ring had been. Coming here was just the last choice of a long line that separated them. Mars and Greenland were convenient; they ended something she had mentally already abandoned. She never told him about the affairs, even after she told him it was officially over between them. She hadn’t been with anyone since either. A guilt that she hadn’t carried before panged in her since she left. She sipped her tea, only to find it empty. She shook her head and walked to the kitchen to get more.

“Oh shit!” squeaked Min Li, surprised.

“Oh my god Li, I’m so sorry. I was just coming in to get some tea.”

“I… oof, it’s OK. Just startled me is all,” she said, placing her hand on her chest. “Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah, my shifts have been all over, I can’t adjust,” she said, pouring her tea. “What are you up to? It’s not breakfast shift yet is it?”

“No, I was getting a snack. I was just going to sit in the dining room for a while, join me?”

“I’d love to Li, thanks.”

The two sat down in the small aluminum chairs of the quiet dining room. The Northern Lights danced above them in the ceiling windows of the central habitat. Their footsteps echoed hollow.

“I’ve never seen them this bright before,” Kellerman said, looking up at the sky.

“I’m glad we’re not on our way yet.”

“Why’s that,” asked Kellerman, looking at Li.

“Oh because it’s a solar event. Unprotected up there is cancer without proper shielding. Radiation poisoning even if it’s strong enough.”

“Oh yes, of course,” Kellerman said, feeling a little silly she’d forgotten. Everyone on the station was naturally fascinated by space phenomena, but Li was far and away the most experienced. She was so bubbly, happy, and excited to cook that Kellerman often forgot that she was also a veteran astronaut. Li smiled. She had always person on this mission Kellerman got on with best. Maybe it their mutual status as outsiders. People treated Li with some distrust, probably owing to her passport. That same silly thing that separated people for so long.

“Something keeping you up Ilsa, you look tired,” she said, smiling warmly, occasionally munching on some cut vegetables.

“Oh it’s nothing it’s just… I didn’t leave on the best terms you see, it bothers me.”

“You were married right? That must be so tough.”

“It wasn’t going to last, it’s not anything like that it’s just… I knew that and my husband didn’t I guess.”

“Oh… I see. That’s really tough Ilsa. I wish I could tell you something to make it easier,” she said, reaching out to gently hold Ilsa’s hand.

“Thank you, it just… it just is, it will get easier,” Kellerman said, nodding. Li agreed.

“It absolutely will. I bet you’ll feel better after we blast off for real. It’s like, nothing else. You know you’re not on training anymore, that’s for sure.” Kellerman smiled.

“I was just thinking about that. I hate training. It’s not that it’s not important,” she added quickly, “it’s just… so fake, and we know it.”

“Oh I understand exactly what you mean,” Li said, nodding fervently. “It’s not that I don’t give it my all in training or anything, it’s just, I know it’s not real.”

“Yes exactly! I was just wishing someone would get injured to give me something to do!” Li giggled and almost spat out her crackers. “Not really,” said Kellerman quickly, feeling herself blush in the dark. “I don’t want anyone hurt!”

“I knew what you meant, don’t worry,” said Li, still laughing a little. “It’s just, I really know how you feel.” She leaned in closer, “want to go break someone’s knees?”

“Oh my God Li, don’t say that when I’m midway through sipping my tea,” Kellerman half laughed, half choked. “Let’s go visit Lyndon.”

“Haha, he’s who I’d pick too. Total jerk.”

“Total. Jerk. Still though, I’d probably pass the knee-breaking baton to Ramona. She’s earned it working with him,” Kellerman said.” The two women laughed a little.

“Seriously though,” continued Kellerman, regaining her composure, “he’s not that bad. He knows his craft. He’s just… a dick.”

“Yes, I agree. He’s not so bad really.”

“I knew plenty like him in the army. You know the type too I bet.”

“Yes, very much,” sighed Li, “they’re not uncommon. Some are worse than others of course. I was lucky that I only had one ‘Lyndon’ on my trip.”

“What was it like Li? Space, your expedition… You don’t have to…”

“It’s OK,” Li said, “my part of the mission went very well actually. We were in space a long time, got a lot of testing done for China’s Mars expedition, then after everything…”

“There were eight of you right?”

“Five, there were five of us. Eight months of space for five people. All things considered; we had a good time. We didn’t hear about the incident until later. They didn’t know if our capsule was flawed you see, and there was no fix, so they just told us nothing.”

“That would make me livid,” sympathized Kellerman, and she meant it.

“I was…. I am. Landing in Lop Nur, it could have been one of the highlights of my life and career, and instead, we get told our friends have been burned alive.” Tears shone in her eyes. Kellerman, this time, reached out and held her friend’s hand.

“I understand Li, truly. After the war, going home, it was all for nothing, but it wasn’t till I got home for good that I realized that this was what everyone believed. I lost the war, and my home. This is a second chance for me, I just need to remember that sometimes.”

“I hear you Ilsa. I never thought I’d go to space again. Now here we are, it’s a whole new life with new people,” she said, and paused, “I’m going to go to bed, I think. I got my snack, and Eric will think I got lost.”

“Wouldn’t want to him to have to go looking,” said Kellerman with a smile. She knew they were a couple of some kind but hadn’t thought of them literally sleeping together. Li stood, and walked over to Kellerman, who did the same and they hugged each other tightly.

Li left and Kellerman finished the last of her tea. It felt good to get some things off her chest, and Li was someone she felt she could instinctively trust. It was nice to have a friend. She refilled her cup and headed to the infirmary. The room was dark, and as was her habit, she left the lights off to let her patient sleep. The monitors showed that Sheldon was doing much better. Alphonse would be on shift soon, she didn’t even need to do this extra check, but she was happy to see the progress her patient was making.

Kellerman walked slowly back to her room. The cold habitat was silent but for her footsteps until she got to the living quarters. The walls, airtight and sealable as they were, didn’t hold sound in very well. As she walked past Li’s room, she could hear the sounds of ecstasy. She smiled.

“Guess she found Eric,” she said with a smirk.