Letting Go

Ella Hollis -

I was tickled, all of Jace's horny college friends lusting after me. I mean, they had no chance, I had no interest with flings with virile men that could go nowhere... but I liked the attention. I liked the chase. I guess that never goes away. I was divorced now, so what did it matter? I had given up hope that Francis would come crawling back, that he could ever truly love something more than his work. Maybe once I thought it was me, but I guess I just liked to be desired. I liked the devotion. I liked that someone would care enough to risk it all for me. Once upon a time, he did. We made a world for ourselves. I was there for him and him for me.

I placed the wine glass I'd been fingering on the counter, lost in thought. Gleeson, our chef had picked out a red for me and I poured two glasses. I didn't think about the price anymore, just who I would enjoy it with. One for me and one for... Jace. He was what I had now. I knew I didn't deserve him. I never did. And still I poured all my love into him, into the man I wanted him to be... hopefully a better man than his father. I took a drink. If I didn't drink I might cry. Would I ever get over him? Or would I just drink enough to forget? The divorce was me telling myself I'd let go and yet, we still fucked. God, he was so fucking good... and handsome. And fuck, I'm doing it again. I downed the rest of the glass and stared at my child. He looked too much like his father. He looked... concerned.

"Jace, you okay..." I stared down at the empty glass in hand like he'd caught me. I hadn't been much of a drinker historically, but since I'd decided to go through with it, I'd polished off many of Gleeson's recommendations. I didn't know if Jace had noticed, but of course he would. Did he know I drank before I picked him up? "Jace? It's just a glass. I ummm... I poured you one too. For dinner." I said, reassuring him, but his face didn't change.

"Did you mean it?" He asked, and it took me a moment to realize what he meant, my thoughts turning outward from my own self-absorption with my pain. How he must be feeling... his dad leaving me and now me leaving thoughts in his horny 19 year old mind. I need to be more careful with my words. I taught him better than that and maybe I would have been if not for the drink. I smiled a playful smile, downplaying my little joke, "No. Of course not." I chuckled a little to really sell it. He had to banish those thoughts, as did I. "Sweetie. Come here." I said, waving him over. I could see the confusion in his eyes as I pulled him into a loving hug. "Can I tell you something?" I asked, framing his handsome face in my hands.

His eyes were a cloud of worry, but they stared into mine for answers. "I loved your father. I... still do. Despite everything. It took me a while, but I've finally come to terms with one fact... 'Your father has but one mistress and it ain't that bimbo secretary, it's the business she pretends to work for.' He loves you and me as good as any father who has to spend his life away from home, but he knew it wasn't enough for me and 'he let me go'. Okay? He let me go." I didn't realize that I started to tear up as the words poured out. And Jace, like the sweetheart I raised him as pulled me into an even bigger hug, nearly took my breath away. His strong arms pulled me close and he laid my head against his warm chest and I felt loved, loved the way Francis wishes he could and the way I raised Jace to be. For a while he just let me rest against him. I wish I could have stayed there. Hid in his arms from the worry of life, hid from the feelings that I felt there. He pulled my face in line with his, tenderly holding me in his gaze. I spoke but it came out fractured, "Things... just haven't been..."

"Shh..." He said and kissed my forehead. "I won't let you go." And that was the sweetest thing he shouldn't have said.