Just your average girl talk

I hung my head in embarrassment, struggling to get my voice to work. “Yeah.”

Max whistled. “Fuck, Luke.”

“I know this is crazy, believe me,” I said quietly. “You must think I’m pretty fucking weird.”

“I’ve thought that the whole time I’ve known you,” he smiled. He breathed out hard before carrying on. “I almost feel bad for unleashing my detective skills on you now. No wonder you wanted to keep this a secret.”

“I can’t believe you figured it out something this insane just like that. Even for you, that was a pretty crazy get,” I chuckled weakly.

He looked away before he continued. “Look … it’s not normal, that’s for sure. Pretty far from it. But … at the same time, it could be a lot worse. If you were literally, biologically related, it would be a very different conversation. And to be fair … it’s not like this came entirely out of the blue for me.”

I frowned, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I met her once. Don’t you remember? Two years ago, while she was back from the US, and your stepmum invited me over for dinner that one night. It’s not like there was anything crazily out of the ordinary … but there was this one moment. She’d been laughing at something you’d said, and then she got up to refill the water jug. And I noticed you just kind of staring after her, with this weird, wistful look in your eyes. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but just know it popped back into my head. And everything slotted into place.”

Jesus. He remembered that? Of course, that was back when Charley was only home for a couple weeks a year, and my crush on her actually was at an all-time low – not that that’s saying much. I didn’t remember the specific moment of course, because even then, I would catch myself looking at her longingly more often than I would care to admit.

“And look,” Max continued. “Maybe I shouldn’t be rationalizing this for you, but I do get it. She’s pretty fucking hot.”

I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him saying that. “Mmhmm.”

I must have had a dirty look on my face or something because Max laughed nervously. “Ah, sorry. Your sister and your ex – kind of a double whammy of people I should steer clear of commenting on, huh.”

“Guess so,” I sighed.

We both sat there in awkward silence for a moment, trying to figure out what to say next.

“Look, I know anyway now…” Max began tentatively. “You gotta tell me how on Earth this ended up happening.”

Well … why the fuck not? And so I did, right from the beginning – I told him how I’d always had a crush on her, how a couple of chance encounters led to us walking in on each other masturbating, then sleeping together. How we came to our agreement, how it spiraled, how we ended up becoming closer as a result.

I told him how it had started to become more – for me, anyway. And how it had all fallen apart in an instant. I took him all the way up to the last conversation Charley and I’d had, just before I’d come to his place.

When I had finished my retelling, Max sat there silently for a second, taking it all in. “Well, damn,” he said. “So, this really wasn’t just a fling, or whatever. You’re positively head over heels for her.”

“I was head over heels,” I corrected.

“Um … sure. If you say so,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But you didn’t rush out of the house and all the way over here after your argument because you’re over her, man.”

“Well, yeah … there’s residual stuff. I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean I’m still all the way there, like I used to be.”

“Either way…” He cleared his throat. “I realize this might have been difficult at first … but you seem to have forgotten there is a tried and tested cure for all this.”

“Enlighten me.”

“Come on, man, even you’re not this dense.” He sighed. “Have you tried actually finding another girl?”

I looked away. “Yes, actually.”

“Oh, really? And who was this? Please tell me it wasn’t your cousin or something.”

“Thank you for that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “No, it was a girl in my dorm on exchange – Kate. She was kind of perfect for me, I think – cute, funny … and she was super into football. And not even in a ‘pick me’ way, she was genuinely obsessed, more than me or you for sure. Though Chris might have her beat. She’s Australian, but she goes to uni in the UK, so it’s not like it even would have to have been a short-term thing.

“Anyway… about a month ago, not long before I flew back, one of our mutual friends told me she liked me, that I should ask her out. And I couldn’t think of any logical reason why not. So, we went out, and even though I know I’m not exactly the most experienced guy around so maybe this doesn’t mean much … it was by far the best first date I’ve ever been on. We went to this vinyl bar in Ebisu, and the conversation never dried up even for a second. It was really fun. We talked a little about our plans after uni, and she even broached the idea of me working in Australia once I had finished my degree, which was a bit forward, I guess.

“Anyway, we finally made it back to the dorm, and I walked her back to her room. She looked back at me, and it was obvious even to someone as dense I am that she wanted me to kiss her goodnight. And I felt like it was the thing to do, like I should want to … but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The night had been great. She was amazing. But she just wasn’t…” I didn’t need to finish the thought out loud. She wasn’t Charley.

“Wait, and this was when you were supposedly getting over her?” Max laughed. “Yeah, you’re off the deep end my man.”

I glared at him. “Whatever.”

“You’re so far gone for this girl … are you really sure she doesn’t feel the same way? Or at least did back then, I don’t know.”

“No, I … even now part of me still thinks she did,” I sighed. “But if anything, that makes it worse, you know? If she genuinely just didn’t want to be with me, it would suck, but I can accept it. But if she did, and still decided to throw it all away just because of what people would say, or because of her plan … I can’t understand that.”

Max paused. “You want to know what I think you should do?”

I blinked at him. “Yes, Sherlock, I did trek all the way over here for a reason.”

“Slightly hurt that you’re implying it wasn’t just to see me,” he said with a frown. “Look … as your friend, I can’t really endorse pursuing a romantic relationship with a member of your own family in good conscience. But I also want you to do what’s best for you. You need to talk to her one last time.”

“Huh?”

“I mean actually sitting with her, discussing point blank what the two of you want going forwards. Because all this skirting around, angsty ‘oh no, I don’t know how they feel about me’ shit you’ve both been doing isn’t going to cut it. There is literally nothing to be gained by leaving things unsaid at this point. Especially with how much you apparently care about each other, romantically or not.”

“Talk to her again…?” I mumbled back. It made sense, I know – all Charley and I had on this subject were two heated conversations – I definitely hadn’t been able to say all I wanted to say either time, and I was sure she hadn’t either. The thing was – did I have the willpower to say how I really felt, and to ask her the same thing? Did I even want to? I’d felt so beaten up since the day I’d told her I loved her, and I really wasn’t sure about going through it yet again.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I can do that.” I said quietly. “Even if I do … what if we still don’t see eye to eye?”

Max looked at me knowingly. “Then it’ll finally be time, Luke. Do whatever you need to, take time away, go to Australia, Japan, wherever. To let her go for good.”