Journal...

Rummaging through the drawer, I found an old, leather bound book that I recognised instantly. I'd bought this for her when we'd been together for about a month. Inside the cover, I knew I had left a heartfelt note from me about how our first month together. It had been a very happy time in my life, and whereas I knew false positivity has a tendency to creep into memories of times gone by, I had no doubts that my feelings on that time in my life were on the money and not subject to any rosy tints.

The book was Jess' journal.

I felt a wounding pang of nostalgia that, coupled with my current Laura situation, made me ponder why I'd ever changed the way I felt about Jess. Going even further, I wondered if I really HAD changed the way I felt about Jess. Her and I had been back in contact for only a month or so and only seen each other face to face for less than a day, in reality only a few hours but, despite that, things felt just as good as when I'd first gifted her this journal. The feeling was very sobering and made my heart ache.

My mind drifted from where I was now to where I was this morning, comparing how fun this night had been with Jess versus the monotony of life with Laura. It had felt like a huge invisible pressure had been lifted off me, I honestly couldn't remember a recent time when I'd felt this light and free. I felt like myself again, I realised. Was I actually having fun in London with life as it was, or just stumbling through it, sedated? Looking down at where it lay on my knee, I unwound the binding of the journal and read my note to Jess and a bittersweet feeling washed over me.

Having reread my note several times, I then flicked through some of the early entries, seeing Jess' scrawled handwriting, all loops and flicks recounting our days together. She'd detailed the excitement of dates we'd had together; hints and sometimes full recounts of passionate times we'd been physical with each other; and some painful reading for me as she'd written about times we'd fought. Rifling through these memories in written form was really doing a number on my buzz. Curiousity got the better of me and I wondered about the day Jess and I had broken up. Trekking through the pages of the journal, I found the one I was looking for and began to read it.

It wasn't a pleasant read. Seeing in Jess' own words how much pain I'd caused her from ending things made me feel sick. I knew that she hadn't wanted to break things off, but with us on a downward spiral thanks to the distance of us living in two different cities and income being an issue for us both, I'd thought that taken a step back from things might salvage our happiness and restore things to how they used to be. The break we'd taken, didn't sit right with Jess, but she'd listened to my reasoning and gone along with it, agreeing that without the pressure of a 'full on relationship' we could begin to heal.

When Laura entered my life in London, it had been new and exciting. I knew getting together with Laura had ruined things between Jess and me and it was something that I'd always regretted.

I was about to close the journal when I noticed that the silk strand bookmark was sandwiched at a much later page than the one I had just read. Jess must still be adding entries in the journal I reasoned. Pursing my lips at the thought of what I was considering doing, I persuaded myself that I'd already far along the invasion of privacy path and so might as well see it through to the end.

Turning the page to the most recent entry I read Jess' words.

"Storms due tonight - mirror everything about today: supercharged feelings and heavy tension in air with chance for it all to explode like a bolt of lightning unless I can hold it together. Remember he's not mine anymore, don't try. Don't drink too much, future me! J"

I smiled that bittersweet smile again, but broke into a genuine grin at the last sentence.

"Fucked that up tonight, Jess. Past you will be annoyed" I muttered. The penultimate line had resonated particularly hard with me. Jess was clearly excited to see me, but had seemingly felt the same hesitancy I had. "Don't cry" she'd written. Picturing her being upset over seeing me tonight made me feel like shit and I wondered if tonight had been nothing but Jess putting on a brave fac-.

I wrinkled my booze addled brow and reread the line and realised Jess had written. "Don't try". That dawning moment brought a whole load of new questions rushing to mind. Had Jess been planning to try something with me tonight? Had she thought about wanting to give things another try? The distance from here to London had been something that Jess said she didn't know if she could handle and it had caused all of that heartache. Perhaps that had changed now though.

I slumped backwards into the bed and looked at the ceiling, which was now only slightly spinning. My buzz was well and truly ebbing away. From the chair near me, my phone buzzed a silent alert. Sighing deeply and placing the journal to the side of me on the bed I sat back up and checked the time on Jess' desk clock, 00:23. I thought of only one person who would be contacting me at this time of night. After retrieving my phone, this time causing MY loose change to spill onto the floor, fuck, I saw that I had been correct in my deductions. Laura's message was up to its usual standard.

"Don't I even get a goodnight then? Guess I've done something wrong. Whatever. Hope you're having a shit night." I thought about the next to perfect juxtaposition between my ex girlfriend's last journal entry and this venomous offering from Laura. It was almost certainly encouraged by ****, but my next move was probably not the smartest. Having sent a frank and foolhardy reply to Laura, I waited for Jess to come back into her room, my heart pounding.