Join the Boys and their Rowdy Conversation

“So what’s the trick?” Keegan asks. “You got to tell us how you won it last year.”

Charlie laughs, knocking back another pint.

“Come on, you won’t get me to give up my secrets that easily,” he says. “You’ve got to offer me a little something.”

“How about I buy your next drink?” you offer. You make a signal to the barman, and a minute later, deliver another mug of foaming beer into Charlie’s hands.

“That’s a good start,” he says. “But I’ll need more than that. Give me a good war story.”

“You know all of mine,” Jason says. “It’s up to the underclassmen to carry the torch. Keegan? Alex? What have you got?”

Keegan glances at you questioningly.

“I already bought Charlie a beer,” you tell him. “Have you got a story to share?”

Your goalkeeper sighs, bobbing his head to and fro. He takes another chug of beer for bravery, and then sets down his mug. When he starts speaking, it’s in a slow, reminiscent tone.

“Alrighty. You want a war story? I’ll give you one. Let me take you back to the Zeta party last year. The big one, in the fall. Right before Burn Week.”

“The championship party,” Charlie says, a slow grin smiling across his face. “I like this story already.”

“You reminded me of it,” Keegan smiles. “It didn’t start off so hot. I bombed out of the tournament early and was having a right sulk about it… but then I ran into this chick. Dark hair, smokin’ body, totally my type. And I was high as fuck at that time. High like you wouldn’t believe. So I went up to her and did my usual thing.”

He pauses there, taking a sip.

“Don’t tell me you did your thing,” Jason says, shaking his head.

“His thing?” you ask.

“I did my thing,” Keegan laughs.

“No wonder he’s single,” Jason says.

“I started reciting theory. Chicks dig Kropotkin, I’m telling you.”

“No they don’t, they just like your Aussie accent,” Charlie says.

“Nah, it’s the theory they like,” Keegan says. “But that’s not the point of the story. Point is, we were vibing, times were good, and you know how the Zetas are: if they like you, they bring you to one room, if they don’t, you get the shitty room. And I got the good room. The good room.”

“No way,” Charlie says. “Even I’ve never gotten the good room. How’d you do it?”

“That’s the secret,” Keegan smiles. “I’m not telling unless you cough up first.”

“Now that’s how you negotiate,” you laugh, seeing the expression on Charlie’s face.

“Fair’s fair,” Charlie says, after a second. “But you’ve gotta tell once I do.”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Keegan nods.

“And it better not be theory,” Jason says.

“Or your accent,” Charlie says.

“Trust me, it’s neither,” Keegan laughs.

“Okay. So here’s the deal. Everyone knows how to play beer pong. And by this point, if you’re worth your salt, you know the technique—the wrist flick, the angles, all of that. But here’s where you get your edge.” Charlie pauses for dramatic effect, and everyone leans in, eager to get the secret sauce. “Everyone thinks beer pong is a game about skill and finesse. And it’s true, you gotta have it. But once you’re real good? Then it becomes a mental game.”

“What strategy could there possibly be?” you ask. “You just throw the ball into the cup.”

“Oh my young padawan, you have so much to learn,” Charlie smiles. “To win the mental game, it’s not about strategy. It’s about breaking their mental. And there are three steps to do that.” He lifts up three fingers, and begins to count off the steps. “First, you’ve got to dance. Wild hand gestures just as they’re about to throw the ball? That’s a good distraction. A well-timed set of suggestive hip thrusts? Even better. Especially if your opponent’s girl is in the general vicinity and you’re making those lewd gestures towards her. You’ve got to do anything you can to knock him off his game.”

“It’s provocative,” Jason smiles. “You’ve got to see it for yourself.”

“Second step,” Charlie continues, ticking down a finger. “Now you lay down the smack talk thick. Put down your opponent and shatter his weakened mental. Insult his throwing skills. Every miss is a blow to his masculinity. Insult his mother. Every time you score, tell him that his momma’s so fat that she would’ve blocked the shot. Finally, insult his pride. When he scores, tell him how you’ve scored far better. Tell him how you’re about to score his girl.”

“It works,” Jason says. “Saw him clear out three guys in a row that way.”

“Third step,” Charlie says, down to his final finger. “This is the most important part. You’re not just shattering his mental now. You’re stomping on all the little pieces until they’re shattered beyond repair. Once you win, you’ve got to follow through.”

“Surely, you don’t mean…” you start saying.

“You got it man,” Charlie laughs, clapping you on the back. “You win, you earned your trophy. Besides, it’s what makes the smack talk work. It doesn’t mean jackshit unless they know you’ll follow through. You’ve got to actually score with their girl.”

“Wow,” you say. “I’m kinda stunned. But how do you get their girl afterwards? I mean sure, you win a game of beer pong, but…”

“Burn night, brother,” Jason says. “So long as you got the grades, anybody’s fair game.”

Suddenly, it clicks. You nod slowly, impressed.

“So that’s how the master does it,” you say.

“Piss off, that’s been your trick this whole time?” Keegan says.

Charlie gives a two finger salute and nods, leaning back in his chair with a satisfied smile.

“Aye aye. Now, I do recall you having your own secret to share.”

“Okay. So here’s the deal. There are two steps to getting into the good room,” Keegan says, holding up two fingers in imitation of Charlie. You and Jason burst out laughing, while Charlie gives him the finger. “Step one, you fuck a Zeta in the shit room. Well known fact, the walls in that room are thin as fuck. Less well known fact—”

“They’re all listening,” Jason says. “That’s a well known fact.”

“Damn, way to steal my thunder,” Keegan says. “Point is, they’re listening to see how you perform. Because if you do well, the Zetas will all know. That’s how you get an invite to the good room.”

“So what’s the second step?” Charlie asks.

“Second step, actually be good at sex,” Keegan says, ticking off his other finger. “Maybe there’s a reason you haven’t found your way to the good room.”

Charlie gives Keegan a flat look, while you and Jason burst out laughing again.

“Dude, he got you,” Jason says, punching Charlie. “He got you good.”

“Okay, but you gotta tell me what you’re doing right,” Charlie says. “Throw me a bone.”

“I’ll give you a hint,” Keegan smiles. “Half of the Zetas have daddy issues.”

“You dirty dawg,” Charlie laughs. “Why couldn’t you have just led with that?”

Keegan +15
Charlie +15
Jason +15