Clix

My name is Chloe Mason, I'm a 21-year-old Girl. My name wasn't always Chloe it was Cole, but I was always a girl. Even as a boy. I could say that I always rejected the gender normative roles given to me and acted feminine, but the truth is, it wasn't until my first school crush that I really even started questioning things. By the time I was coming to grips with my sexuality, I hadn't really even considered gender. I was 16 when I knew for certain who I was meant to be, but at that time I was still Cole, a skinny average boy going through the beginnings of male puberty.

I never came out with any of this to my friends or family until I was deep within my heavy depression stage. One particular panic attack gave me the stupid idea of confiding in my mother. She was for lack of a better description "not having it". Strangely enough my father was much more understanding about the whole thing and a year later after many horrifically embarrassing doctor visits, consultations and psychology evaluations, I was on hormone blockers and then estrogen with no plans for surgery. Oh, and there was that other small thing... the breakdown of my parents' marriage and subsequent divorce. After that day, I presented as female. Maybe it was my mother that really stopped me from doing it earlier.

As young as 17 sounds for hormone therapy, I can tell you, it's definitely in the "just too late" category. I had to deal with hair that I'd rather not have, general body shape issues that I learned not to hate... too much. Oh, and that lovely thing called 'a deep voice'. Luckily, I wasn't fully developed as a boy, but if you asked me "close enough!" I've always hated my voice; I've worked for a few years to change it but I'm certain that I'll always be identifiable as "trans" from it.

I'm 21 now and after a few minor and not-so-minor surgeries like butt and breast I feel a lot more confident. Of course, I'm still grounded in the reality that people pick me out as trans occasionally and the one 'almost date' I went on ran for the hills when I told him. But I have great people around me for support. My best friend Cassi, my mother seems to talk to me a little more recently and my dad, Frank. He has always been a rock to hold onto in my darkest times.

My dad was now in his early 50's. He was from a generation that definitely didn't understand these types of things. He liked football, fishing and camping, and I'll be honest when he first found out, he spent a week pretending he didn't know and trying to encourage me to do 'manly' things. But when I didn't, and he finally started taking notice of how my mother spoke to me, he stuck up for me. He slowly but surely started to understand and even talk to me about things as wild as 'feelings' and eventually became the man I'm most proud of in my life. He supported me through possibly the toughest moment of my life, and I will always love him for that.

Looking in the mirror today, I see a young—almost—attractive girl. 5'7, slender without a gym body, perky B cups with—almost—no visible scars, a small but ‘jiggly’ round butt, brown eyes, straight brown hair just passed my shoulders and—as long as I'm wearing makeup—a passable for 'pretty' face. It’s hard not seeing all the flaws and the remnants of a male's body and looks but I know: for the majority of trans girls out there, they aren't half as lucky as I was. I will always hate my voice though; I have to resort to being quieter and putting on a more 'cutesy' voice that—in my opinion—barely passes. Cassi and my dad think that it will get better with time but my voice, along with many other things, are the reason I don't date, don't flirt, and as embarrassing as it is, have never even been with a man physically let alone sexually.

About a week ago, for the first time ever, Cassi and I were giggling like schoolgirls upstairs in my room at her laptop. Somehow, she had convinced me—although, if I was being honest the idea made me very excited—to create a dating profile on this site that was getting popular lately called 'Clix'. She showed me hers and damn! Cassi knew how to look hot in photos. She had already started an account for me, and we uploaded some of my better photos and took some more to upload. We laughed over the generic bio she put for me; nowhere did it mention that I was trans. When I pointed this out and went to change it, she stopped me and said that

“It doesn't have to be a 'thing' thing. This way we can see what type of guys are into you just from your photos and bio. Plus, do you really want a guy that is looking for a 'trans girl'. Isn't that kinda weird?”

I agreed with her just to avoid the topic and while I was having fun I knew in a weeks' time, I would just have to delete this account.

Reading through my profile once Cassi had gone home, I really didn't like the whole 'Fake, trying too hard' thing that Cassi had conned me into creating. This really wasn't me...