How are you doing?

How are you doing?

His head pounded with his heartbeat. He had managed to get a single glass of water up to bed with him. He had to grab a red solo cup from the floor of the pantry and then begin the painful, slow, slide up the stairs. When he had to stand up to fill the cup at the sink, he nearly fainted.

As it turned out, that particular model of vibrator he had so wisely slid up his ass could have been marketed off its battery life alone. Five hours. Who needed a travel vibrator to last five hours on full power?

Victoria did have some dildos in the closet, the smallest being six inches and the largest being a 13 inch horse cock she swore was a gag gift. He hadn’t even bothered trying to test which was the largest he could tolerate. If there was a half-inch dildo, it would have been the largest he could tolerate, but six was as low as it got.

It took him an hour to build up courage, and another fifteen minutes to push through the pain. However, remarkably, once it was inserted, the pain was more an uncomfortable burning. With the dildo holding everything in place, it didn’t hurt so bad.

The period cramps were worse now that he was awake. And the sticky puddle he was laying in told him that the living serum had managed to boost the productivity of his aching balls. But he was extremely dehydrated, too. He heard his phone buzz, but couldn’t bring himself to reach over and check.

It wouldn’t stop buzzing. The sound alone made him shiver, thinking of the vibrator and the horribly explicit sex dreams he had been subjected to. He managed to roll, yelping out with pain. The dildo must have come out. He reached down and found the silicone base between his legs. The rest of the dildo was gone. It looked like it had been dipped in acid.

“Silicone.” He sighed. That’s why Jens warned him he might lose the dildo and need to switch to a larger one. The living serum ate it in order to give his developing breasts the perky, fake look. And probably a million other things he couldn’t track. His chest was bigger and firmer, but he didn’t spend much time touching it, hand reaching for his phone. Just as he picked it up, it stopped buzzing.

He had a lot of notifications. Missed calls, voicemails, and messages—mostly from Tori. But that couldn’t be right. A lot of them said that they were from a day ago. The most recent calls had been from Frankie. What did Frankie want? Why did his phone say Friday?

His phone buzzed again, this time an alert from his doorbell. He clicked the notification to see Frankie soaking wet on the porch. What was Frankie doing here!? He sat up like lightning, then screamed from the pain. He turned on the microphone feature and began speaking into the phone, doing his best to keep his legs in just the right position.

“Frankie?” He asked, voice hoarse and cracking.

“Hey, muchacho, Kai sent me over to come check on you. I guess Tori’s been worried about you. Can I come in?”

Charlie looked down at his dick, the drying puddles of cum around the room from the beginning of the vibrator debacle. He couldn’t stand, much less walk down stairs. Besides, Frankie could NOT see him like this. He had boobs for shit’s sake.

“Listen, Frankie, I’m sorry you had to come all this way. But I’m really sick.” Charlie played into his raspy voice. “I conked out on benadryl and slept all day yesterday. Probably gonna do the same, today.”

Frankie nodded, smiling into the camera and running a hand through his wavy black hair. “Oh, yeah, for sure. I can hear your voice, you don’t sound too good my friend.” He scratched the back of his neck, getting an uncomfortable look on his face. “But, uh, the ladies. They uh, made me promise you and me would have a, uh, guy talk? Not allowed to go until I at least get to see you aren’t… I don’t know man, you know how the ladies are, they always imagine the worst.”

He wasn’t getting rid of Frankie so easily. But Frankie couldn’t come inside! The place was a disaster, especially upstairs. “Okay, Frankie. B-but just wait for me on the back porch. I’m gonna throw some clothes on, ok?”

Frankie flashed a thumbs up to the camera and started walking around back. Charlie whimpered and whined as he slowly turned his body on the bed and prepared to stand up. The pain wasn’t debilitating, now, but it certainly was unpleasant. “Okay, you got this.” He psyched himself up and rocked forwards to his feet.

“Motherfucker!” He took a tiny step forwards. “Ow!” Another shuffle. “Shit!” He kept shuffling his feet, one in front of the other on his way to the closet. He kept going, though he grew more accustomed to the pain, his expletives transitioning into just statements.

“Ow. Fuck. That hurts. Shit. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.” He opened the closet and scooted towards the dildo chest. Aside from the horse one, there was a 10 inch hyper realistic one. He grabbed it and almost shoved it right up there, but stopped himself. “Lube.” He let out a short, frustrated breath, grabbling a baggy T-shirt and one of Tori’s hoodies, as well as a pair of her panties and sweatpants. He would have gotten some of his boxer briefs, but that would require bending down to open the bottom drawer.

He emptied the bottle on the dildo, but ultimately treated the task like a surgery on himself. His left hand lifted his balls, each a bit bigger than a golf ball, his left leg was lifted into the air, and his right slowly guided the dildo in. It was less unpleasant than last time. It felt less like pushing the bottom halves of his torso apart and more like filling an existing cavity. It was still painful, and the size was difficult to accomodate, but he did surprisingly take all ten inches.

“Okay…” He cautiously reached for the panties, keeping one hand on the base of the dildo to hold it in place. He was grateful that there were no pleasure receptors in his new vagina yet. He managed to slip one leg through, carefully bringing his other foot towards it and fishing its way through the other leg hole. Once in, he shimmied them up his smooth legs, using both hands to keep the dildo from moving around. It may not have been painful, but it still was not pleasant. When the panties got high enough, he reached with one hand and yanked them up. His dick immediately flopped out the bottom.

Hurrying so Frankie didn’t have to wait too long, Charlie threw the other clothes on, not as worried about the dildo falling out, now that the underwear was holding it in place. His next problem was his boobs. Even Tori’s baggy sweatshirt still showed them bouncing with each step. “Well, I am sick, afterall.” He grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around himself, hunching forward. This position did hide his breasts, but also pushed the dildo a little bit out, though the panties held true.

He shuffled towards the door, the sex toy twisting and rubbing with each step so that he took much smaller steps. He stepped just outside the bedroom door, shuffling to the stairs. “Okay.” He paused just at the top of the stairs. He didn’t grant himself any more respite than that, sliding his left foot forward. “Okay, okay, okay.” He hissed, bending his right knee as his left foot lowered to the next step, stretching the tight skin in front of his anus. It hurt, it pinched, and built all the wrong kinds of friction.

He gripped the handrail like a snake that needed strangling, slipping his other foot down to join its compatriot on the lower step. Just fourteen more to go. Slowly he repeated the process, building up speed. Step by step. Groan by groan. Flop by—

He stopped, only three steps remaining. Flop. He looked down and saw his cock and balls flopping between his thighs, pouring out the panties. “Pants.” He nodded, turning around. “Aw…” He winced, suppressing a tear as he saw all the stairs he had to now climb.

***

The glass door slid open as Charlie shambled out, groaning and muttering “okay” with each step. “Sorry,” he said, wrapping the blanket over his head and body, maintaining a hunched over stature as he scooted to the lawn chair on the opposite side of the table as Frankie. “Really hard time getting dressed.” He said, lowering himself into the chair with no shortage of pained noises.

“Aw, I’m sorry, man.” Frankie whistled. “Kai, she says ‘Tori’s worried about Charlie we need to go check on him.’ And I’m like, ‘babe, he’s fine. He’s probably doing stuff.’ But, you know, I guess Tori was really really worried or something. I don’t know why, but you and me have similar tastes in women. Both of them scare me a little. So when Kai says I need to have a guy talk, you know, I go do it.”

“W-well, I’m fine. Just sick.” Charlie nodded. “Sorry you had to come all this way out.” Charlie coughed, talking, hurting his dry throat. “Good to see the road’s not flooded for Tori’s return. That road’s half the reason this place was so cheap.”

Frankie shook his head, pointing to his still damp hair. “Oh, it’s still flooded. I swam.”

Charlie turned to look at Frankie again. Frankie was athletic, he was a gym trainer after all. His olive skin glistened with water and he wore a swim shirt and swim trunks. His phone sitting on top of a ziplock bag.

“You swam?”

Frankie nodded, wearing a satisfied smirk. “Back in Argentina, I was captain of the swim team. I love swimming, but it’s usually too cold here.” Charlie nodded, still impressed. During the rain, the water flooded about sixty feet of road that dipped down about a quarter-mile from the house, denying access to only their house. Now that it wasn’t raining, the water wouldn’t be moving as fast, but still.

“Well, I feel quite bad, now.” Charlie said, but Frankie just threw up his hand, as if swatting the concern away. “Well, I don’t want to get you sick. But we can sit here and talk if you’d like.

“Look, man, clearly you need some soup and some sleep. Talking ain’t gonna help your throat, so we can call this our guy talk if you just tell me you’re not, like crying. I guess Tori thought you were crying or something. But I told Kai, like, ‘Charlie’s a tough guy, you know?”

Charlie nodded, looking back at the lake. “I was crying.” He admitted. He didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it. If he told any of his friends, they’d try to demonize Tori. And he couldn’t tell Tori because, well, he had done something truly awful to her. “Most of the week, I’ve been a mess.”

Frankie, who had been standing up, slipped back down into his chair, cool-guy attitude dropping as he leaned forward. “What? Why?” He asked, pulling his hair into a pony tail. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Sorry, Kai’s the smart with emotional stuff one, I’m just the one who knows how to swim.

Charlie nodded, looking out at the lake, fog covering the peak of Mount Bachelor. “She used to go away for work a lot. I thought I was ready, but then communications broke down and—I realized that I wasn’t. I’m really scared that she’s not coming back.”

Frankie nodded. “Well, she definitely is. During the storm, she kept begging us to get a message to you. Just to tell you she loves you. I dunno, she sounded really scared. I think you’re both scared that the other one won’t be here tomorrow.”

***

“Mrs. Washington?” A hand touched my shoulder, causing me to wake up. I was sitting on the jet, drooling all over myself. The metal straw I was chewing on to stay awake was gone.

“Ugh, huh?” I sucked in a long breath, checking out the window to see a different airport than a second ago. “Oh, we’re here?” I stretched, not in the least bit rested. I fell asleep just as we took off, despite my best efforts.

Charlie visited me in my dream, taking me to bed and gently kissing my tummy as he discussed the pregnancy stuff with me. Both of us were in agreement: it didn’t seem like something he would do, but I pushed him really hard and might have snapped him. Dream Charlie was nice, even though I spent most of the dream screaming at him. He seemed equally disturbed about the behavior, but kept drawing my attention to the doubts I had.

His imaginary hands left me sopping in my seat as I stood up, picking up my luggage and searching the floor. “Did you see a metal straw?” I asked one of the flight attendants, who shook his head.

The flight was only about thirty minutes, so I was most definitely not rested. Kai had come to the airport to pick me up, as the road to my house was still flooded. I had wanted Charlie, though figured it was best we have our fight at home. Kai and Frankie wanted me to stay the night with them. No fucking way. I have business to attend to downstairs and then a fight to have.

“Walmart.” I said, rolling in my seat as Kai started driving.

“Don’t you wanna sleep for a bit?” I shook my head, fighting to keep my eyes open and hands out of my pants. “Tori, I’ll take you there tomorrow morning. You need rest.”

I grumbled, pulling out my phone with great effort. “I’m sending you fifty dollars.” I said, tapping away on my phone.

“Girl, you don’t need to do that.”

“Every time you say you’re not taking me to Walmart, I’m sending you another fifty dollars.”

“Frankie checked on Charlie this morning. Said he was sick. He doesn’t want to give it to you.” She tried to change the subject. That’s when her phone, mounted to the dash, got a notification from Venmo.

“Walmart.”

“No.” I sent another fifty.

“Walmart.”

“No! Stop sending me money, you bitch. We’re friends!”

Twenty minutes later I was dragging myself through Walmart, heavily leaning on a cart that I was pushing to the soup section. Kai followed closely behind me. “Tori, you can buy him soup tomorrow. When you go home.” She protested, watching me toss a single can of chicken noodle into my cart. Then I flipped the cart and yawned, pressing onward to the camping section.

“Am I thinking of a kayak or a canoe?” I asked nobody in particular, cart accidentally clipping the corner as I turned down the aisle.

“Tori, what?”

“No, I was right.” I nodded, reading the label on the little plastic boat hanging above the shelves. “Kayak.” I lifted my arms up to pull it off its display, lazily dropping it in my cart.

“No!” Kai, grabbed the other end of the kayak, trying to pull it out of my cart. “Girl, you are coming to my apartment, ok? You’re going to sleep. And when the road clears, you can go.”

I stared her down, grimacing like Clint Eastwood. I was getting home. Today. But Kai kept her hands on the front of my boat, despite the little bit of trepidation in her eyes. “Girl talk?” I offered, leaning in close to Kai, who eyed me warily. “I need sex. All week, I’ve needed sex. All week I’ve been offered sex, and all week I have declined sex. Today, I am going to have sex. Come hell,” I shook the kayak, smiling a toothy grin, “or high fucking water. So either you’re gonna drive me to where my sex is, or you’re going to be cleaning some very gross things off your couch pillows.”

The old lady who had been sharing our aisle scurried her cart away. I didn’t care who heard. I stared Kai down as her expression hardened, gears of a response turning. “You go get energy drinks, I’m gonna grab a bottle of Dayquil.” She nodded.

“Meet you up front?”

“Meet you up front.”

Kai scurried off to go grab cold medicine. I woke up standing at the self checkout, Kai using the scan gun on the kayak. A kayak, a can of soup, a bottle of Dayquil, and a can of monster. $383.68. “Damn, soup’s getting expensive.” I giggled, mashing my card against the card reader. Kai rolled her eyes and I snatched my reciept, using the cart to support me.

As she drove, I had to keep rocking in my seat to make sure I stayed awake. I couldn’t stop my one hand resting against the crotch of my pants. Kai seemed to notice but didn’t say anything. Pricefield was a quaint, cozy city that I didn’t bother exploring much. It didn’t have any skyscrapers except the few around the city center. There was a lot of construction and development—fastest growing city in the Pacific Northwest, Charlie always said. I didn’t ever give a shit. It wasn’t Portland. It wasn’t New York. It was just the place I had to go to in order to not lose my marriage.

But it was pretty. Even the more developed neighborhoods and shopping centers tried to maintain Pricefield’s natural beauty. Tall pines shading the parks and coating the city in a pleasant smell, seemed to be planted just exactly where they felt most natural. Most businesses, including the big chains, tried to stick to a postmodern rustic sort of feeling. Wooden foot bridges were holding happy couples and families on their afternoon walks, street sweepers were combing the sidewalks of pine needles and waving to people. People were happy to be there, like it was a Hallmark movie.

Further away from the city you had rows of picturesque suburbs. Mowed lawns, people cleaning their gutters, clean cars parked on the driveway. As you drove further away, things got older, shittier. Paint peeling, chain linked yard fences, cracked sidewalks, and yet it never seemed to lose that nostalgic air. It felt like Pricefield was locked in an America from twenty years ago. Which made sense, given that it spent most of its existence as a sleepy retirement getaway for old rich white people. The rapid development starting only ten years ago as younger and younger families started moving in and—wait, does Pricefield actually have an interesting business world?

As I ruminated on half-remembered local news about city planners and council decisions, the car came to a stop. The road to our house was a scenic, winding, pain in the ass of a road that ran alongside the lake until suddenly cutting right away from it and sinking down below a ditch when one turned off it to get to my house. That small section of road, maybe only sixty feet or so, reduced the price of the house by at least $100,000. It was no wonder Charlie’s old boss practically gave the place away. If it rained more than six hours—which happened about once a week—the house was basically inaccessible.

“Are you sure you have the energy for this?” Kai asked, as I placed the kayak down into the ditch, road suddenly disappearing beneath the water. “You could just sleep at my place for a few hours and then have more energy for sex.” She argued, holding it in place so the water didn’t take it.

I grinned, carefully sitting down onto the kayak. It was one of the open top ones that didn’t have a hole for your lower body. Basically just a narrow raft you sat on top of and paddled. I picked up the monster energy from between my legs. “That’s what this is for.” I yawned, suddenly furrowing my brow. “Actually, wait…” I looked at the nutrition facts, studying them 160 miligrams of caffeine. I put it back between my legs and fished my phone out of my pocket, snapping a thread somewhere.

“Wait what?” Kai asked, still holding the end of the raft.

“Can…” I muttered to myself, unable to type without speaking out loud in this state of sleep deprivation. “You… drink… caffiene… while… pregnant…”

“You’re pregnant!?”

“Oh, sweet!” I said, glancing over the first search result. “Less than 200 miligrams.” I dropped my phone in my lap and cracked open the energy drink, chugging it as Kai pleaded with me to get off the kayak. I didn’t listen. I drank half, then screwed the metal cap back onto the can, shaking my head to try and wake up more. If it wasn’t the caffeine, the excitement helped energize me. “Thanks Kai! Be back at the Gym on Monday!” I picked up my paddle and pushed on the concrete, pulling out of Kai’s grip.

It was weirdly easy to paddle forwards. The last time I’d used a kayak was a trip in college and it had been exhausting. Kai must be a really good rowing machine coach, I thought, easily propelling myself at great speed with strong, powerful chunks. It took less than twenty seconds to cross, and the current I had feared fighting barely moved me to the side. It was only sixty feet, but I had anticipated more of a struggle. I reached the other side with such speed that I was able to lean back, lifting the front of the boat up enough that it was able to slide over the hump of asphalt holding the water in place, effectively “beaching” my kayak on the road.

I stood up, stomach growling for 2% milk, and flashed Kai a thumbs up, ignoring her horrified look. “I’ll get my luggage tomorrow!” I shouted, waving goodby as I picked up the bag of ‘groceries’ from the kayak. I slung the boat onto my shoulder and started jogging towards my house.

“TAKE IT EASY ON BABY!” Kai screamed. Ugh, fine! I threw the kayak off the side of the road, resolving to pick it up tomorrow.

Milk and a fuck. I cheered myself on as I continued jogging the quarter mile. Milk and a fuck, just up the road. And a bed. And a husband you need to scream at. And apologize to. And fuck.

I finished the monster, resisting the urge to take a bite out of the can. Okay, if we’re having a kid, we’re not having this one. Those two glasses of wine really fucked up its cravings. No way it comes out right with all the plastic and metal it wants me to eat.

I could see my house through the trees, wiping shiny sweat off my brow. I was sweating up a storm but couldn’t care less. Sex was in that house. And my husband. And 2% milk!

I veered off the road, cutting through the trees and clambering up the dirt to get to my driveway. I fished my key out of my pocket just as I slammed into the door, carried by momentum. I tapped the fob against the electronic lock and heard it click.

My foot sent the door flying open and I slammed it closed behind me. The house was clean—Charlie was a nervous cleaner—and dark, all the privacy screens were down. I bounded into the kitchen and dropped the items onto the counter, finding no sign of Charlie. His car was parked outside, though.

“Charlie! I’m home!” I called out, swinging open the fridge and finding a three-quarters-empty two gallon jug of 1% milk. Fucking good enough. I uncapped it, chugging it in loud, harsh gulps. I could feel it slipping out of my lips, dribbling down my chin and onto the floor.

I heard him mutter something. He sounded different somehow. Whoah, the fridge light’s starting to die… no, wait, that’s just tunnel vision. The monster wasn’t doing anything. My adrenaline was crashing. My eyes closed and I just couldn’t open them for longer than a second at a time.

“T-Victoria… I was expecting you tomorrow.”

“I bought a kayak.” I burped, finishing the jug and dropping it onto the counter. My hand groped around to find the Dayquil, shaking the bottle in the direction of his voice. “Got you medicine. And soup.”

“I’m not… I made it up to get Frankie out.” That didn’t sound like Charlie at all. Neither his breathy voice, or the lying to a friend to get rid of them.

“Then, fuckin’…” I threw the bottle back on the counter. “We’ve got soup and medicine.” I yawned. No! I couldn’t fall asleep, now! I didn’t get my sex!

“I think we need to talk.” Charlie said with his whimpery voice.

“No,” I pinched my brow. “We need to argue.” I corrected him, shutting my eyes very tightly to try and build up energy. I wanted sex! I wanted that stupid Portal fantasy with the timer and the pussy eating. “Go lay down on the couch. Right fucking now.” I commanded.

I was falling asleep. No avoiding it. In less than two minutes I’d be fast asleep. “Tori, I’m so sorry!”

“Shush!” I yelled, pointing to the couch, yanking my phone out and opening my eyes long enough to set an alarm. I placed my finger on the time and just swiped, not bothering to check when it would go off. “We will be fighting. Later. Right now, you’re lying down on the couch.”

I heard him shuffle, complying with pouty little steps. What a petty bitch. I started yanking my clothes off, starting with my shoes, pants, and panties, throwing them aside as I blindly stumbled my way over to the living room. “I set an alarm. I don’t know when it’s gonna go off.” I felt his hand brush against my leg, telling me which direction he was facing on the couch.

I lifted my leg and placed my knee on his far side, wedging it between the cushions and the couch. Then I pulled my other leg up, straddling his torso. “Until it does, you’re gonna make out with this while I take a nap. When I wake up, if you’re still licking, then we have a discussion instead of a fight.”

“Victoria, please, you have to know—“

I dropped my weight down, feeling my soaked pussy land right on his lips. Satisfied with my blind aim, I reached a hand down the waistband of his sweats and gripped his limp, twitching cock. “Mine.” I mused, body slumping down, no longer occupying the land of the living.