House Staff (Male)

Mister Albert ‘Bertie’ Butler, Butler, 1 (rank for pay grade purposes)

Addressed as Butler by Family and guests, Sir by the male staff under him, Mr Bates by the other servants and off duty as Bertie.

Duties: reports to the Earl; responsible for running the house; answers the door, keeps the **** stocked; disciplines male household staff.

Through nominative determinism, he believes he was destined for the role. Bertie was Claude’s sergeant major in the war, having served as a footman in a previous less liberal house. He particularly respects the Estate manager and wishes he could discipline the maids, or rather be disciplined by them, instead of the footmen. So long as his underlings do their job he tends not to be too fussed about how they do it. The Butler is always peering through keyholes and shares intelligence with his friend Hephzibah, the Housekeeper. Most of the day, he is either in the Butler’s Pantry or strolling around the house.

Mister George Bates, Valet, 2

Addressed as George by the Earl and Countess, Bates by other Family and guests, Mr Bates by the other servants and off duty as George.

Duties: personal servant to the Earl; accompanies the Earl out of the house.

Bates shares the Earl’s most intimate secrets and has taken part in some of his wilder experiments. The Countess often blushes in his presence as he not only knows but has been involved in some of her most embarrassing moments. He has ambitions to marry Margaret, the Lady’s Maid, and settle down but she will not give up her job. He is usually to be found in close proximity to the Earl even when the noble is in the bath.

Richard ‘Dick’ Heads, Head Footman, 3

Addressed as Richard by everyone, although informally he and John or often referred to as Dick and Balls.

Duties: reports to the Butler; looks handsome; attends to bells; servers food; acts as a clerk to the Estate Manager.

He stands around looking pretty, imagining everyone who ever visits wants to sleep with him. He works on his beauty routine with the Countess and Percy and keeps very fit. He is often missing, especially at weekends.

John Balls, Under Footman, 4

Addressed as John by everyone.

Duties: reports to the Butler; looks handsome; attends to bells; servers food; acts as a clerk to the Estate Manager.

A trifle less aloof than Richard, he nevertheless copies him in almost every respect except that he prefers servant girls to the aristocrats. Although he gets on very well with Richard, he resents the extra time he has to spend covering when Richard is upstairs, partly because he is often on duty during servants’ meals.

Robert ‘Bob’ Brown, Dogsbody, 5

Addressed as Bob by everyone, sometimes Bob the Job.

Duties: reports to the Butler and Housekeeper; empties chamber pots; serves food to the servants; turns heating on and off, any odd jobs.

Who knows where this disgusting man came from? Certainly he was in prison, but where he worked and how he lived prior to that is a mystery. The Earl and Countess are intrigued by his sexual fetishes and despite others’ appeals to get rid of him, he remains. He is actually much younger than he seems and some women are inexplicably attracted to him.