Honest Dialogue

“Or we can talk about it now.” The tone I used meant it wasn’t up for discussion. She said nothing and didn’t move. “You kissed me.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

The pause sent a jolt of something bordering on anger through me. It faded when I realized she wasn’t doing it on purpose. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Or you don’t want to tell me?”

Her back seemed to stiffen at the accusation in my voice. “What is it you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. This whole thing is confusing. Always has been. I never know what is real and what is a part of this twisted game we are playing.” I took a deep breath as I tried to calm myself down. It was hard. All sorts of emotions were bouncing around inside me. Emma had kicked the proverbial hornet's nest, and I was dealing with the swarm. “We came real close to a red line tonight. Maybe even crossed it. I saw the look in your eye. You aren’t going to stop pushing until I tell you to stop.” I took a quivering breath. It was hard to talk with my heart racing like it was. Made it feel like I never had enough air. “I don’t want to get hurt, and I want to believe you don’t want to hurt me either—outside of the confines of our game that is.”

She gave me a small nod.

I took a deep breath, mostly to prepare myself for what was coming. “Emma, what am I to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m asking. Tonight was different.”

“Level Four is—”

“Bullshit. We both know I’m the only one you do this with. All I am asking is for some honesty. Continuing on as we are is going to get someone hurt—and that someone is me. You know how I feel about you. You asked if I would date you and I answered honestly. To all of it. I get you were saying it to dig at me, and we both saw how well that worked. But right now? This is serious. My feelings aren’t being made up for the game. I’m not going to stop this yet, but I will if I don’t get some answers and understand the boundaries. I get the ambiguity is part of the fun, but this is non-negotiable.”

She was silent for a moment and I could see her thinking. “I don’t know.” I let out a disappointed sigh, shaking my head as I looked away. “I’m serious, Isaac. I don’t know. This is all new to me too.”

It took all I had to keep my voice together. “What about the dating thing?”

Her expression hardened. “I did say ‘hypothetically.’”

“But what if it wasn’t hypothetical?”

Her eyes bored into me. “You asking me out?”

It felt like I swallowed a log and stuffed a few cotton balls in my mouth. I didn’t let that stop me though. Nothing was going to stop me. “I suppose I am.”

“No.” She didn’t even hesitate to shoot me down. Didn’t even think about it. I felt myself deflate.

Stupid hope. Fuck you.

I sat back heavily in my chair, slumping as I lost all strength to care about proper posture. Damn. Even though I knew this was always the result… But did I? Even after all this, I could still remember her lips. The way she felt in my lap. How warm she was pressed against me.

Taking her chair, she moved it over to where I was sitting. “You are a nice guy, Isaac.”

“Please don’t patronize me. I asked, you said no. I’m a big boy who can handle rejection.”

There was a lingering silence, but she didn’t leave. The wetness in my pants was starting to get cold, and I was finding that was a lot worse than when it was warm. Yet I didn’t move. I didn’t have the energy.

“I’ve always had a casual attitude toward sex.”

“What?” I had been in my own thoughts when she started speaking and it took a moment for my brain to catch up. Beyond that, I had no idea how to even respond to that.

“My friends are like that too. We have a sort of… free use relationship where we sort of flow between partners within the group. Sometimes, one of them starts dating someone outside the group and they stop. Other times, they get them to join in too. Relationships in our group don’t really last that long though, then it’s back to normal.” She shrugged. “I sleep with guys outside of the group also, but mostly it’s the guys in the friend group. Six guys. That’s where most of those pictures you get come from. Not all of them, but most.”

I still didn’t know how to respond to this, or why she was even telling me. I didn’t stop her though. The curtains were being drawn back and I was seeing Emma, the real Emma, for the first time. At least a peek. From her stiff body language, this probably didn’t happen all that often and I didn’t want to ruin it by saying anything and sending her back into her shell.

“I’m not a picky girl. I’ve had guys twice my age hit on me. Slept with a few of them too so I could see if experience made any difference. Good looking guys. Not so good-looking. I’ve slept with all sorts.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“So that you understand I’m not the type of girl guys date.”

My response was delayed as I chose my words carefully. “Perhaps not, but you are the type of girl I want to date.”

Her gaze was full of doubt and it was clear she didn’t believe that for a second.

There was a well of determination I drew from. No idea from where. Maybe that pesky feeling of hope was doing everything it could before it was snuffed out forever.

Who was I kidding? The damn thing was a radioactive cockroach that survived nuclear wars. The little shit would survive the heat **** of the universe.

“This isn’t a solo game. I’m not letting you do all this because I have some misguided belief that doing this will lead to something more. I mean, I do but—” I shook my head and let the thought drop before pushing forward. “Point is, I enjoy this too. A part of me doesn’t like admitting it. Well, not a part. I really don’t like admitting this because it makes me sound pathetic and unmanly and goes against everything society has taught me a man is supposed to be. Seeing you with other guys drives me crazy in a way I’ve never experienced before. The rush and excitement I get when you tease me makes no sense because it’s not pleasant. You really know how to drill into me and push buttons I didn’t realize I had. I know I shouldn’t feel the way I do. This isn’t the most healthy thing for my mental and emotional state.” My heart was pounding as her eyes never left me. It was hard to keep my eyes on her, but I **** myself to meet them. “I don’t want to stop. You discovered a side of me I never knew existed and that part of me isn’t going to simply away even if we stopped right now. I don’t think I would want it to even if I could bury it away. Never in a million years would I ever have believed the idea of the girl I liked sleeping with other guys would be such a turn-on. It’s not just the act either. You are a huge factor of why it is so ungodly erotic. You being so unabashedly proud of it._ _It is the way you demand acceptance of it, as if it is the most natural thing in the world. It...It allows me to accept my own enjoyment in all this.”

All the strength that was carrying me forward drained from my body as I no longer found myself able to meet her gaze. My voice lowered so it was just above a whisper. “I’ve had a massive crush on you since the beginning. Those feelings never really changed. Evolved, maybe, but they are still there. At first, it was simply because you are one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Shallow, I know. But they were there. As I got to know you and we spent more time together, it wasn’t just about surface appearance anymore, but who you are as a person. A friend.” I took a deep breath, mentally cringing at the shuddering sound that came from the uneven breath. My body seemed to be afflicted with the shakes as I **** myself beyond what my courage allowed for. My voice got lower still. “Even when you torment me, I still find that my feelings for you are unchanged. Maybe it’s because it feels like you know me so well. I have no idea if it is on purpose or not, but it seems like you know how to push every button I didn’t know existed. Sometimes, you take it a bit too far, but I choose to believe it is from inexperience rather than malice.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I like that side of you too. Socialization dictates that I should be disgusted and angry at seeing the girl I like with other people, but I just can’t. It’s there. I do have those thoughts and feelings, but they are overwhelmed by something else. Something I can’t really find the words for.”

My heart hammered and my head was a throbbing pain. The mess in my pants was nearly forgotten compared to the emotional overload I was experiencing. All this was something I was wrestling with internally for some time now. Getting it all out was cathartic in a way, but it had a way of putting things in perspective. Kinda like putting a puzzle together. I always had all the pieces, but only now that I was putting everything out there did the picture start to come into focus. The revelation came as I processed everything that happened tonight with what I already had thought about and pieces I didn’t realize were missing made everything snap into place as a new understanding filled me.

“I’m missing security,” I muttered as my thoughts slipped out.

“What?”

The thought swelled, bringing light to the murky thoughts and feelings inside me. It was enough to get me to look at her again. “We are treating this as a friends-with-benefits sort of relationship. That sort of thing may work with sex since you can separate the physical from the emotional if you wanted to. What we are doing is nothing but emotions and all I have to stand on is a nebulous concept of friendship. If you are going to continue down the path like you did tonight, that isn’t going to be enough. I need something more concrete.”

“Which is what? Me becoming your girlfriend?”

“Maybe. Probably. It’s a start.”

She was silent, staring at me.

“Is the idea of dating me really that bad?” I asked, unable to stop the heat of my anger from slipping into my words.

My anger rolled over her, doing nothing to her calm demeanor. “What would that change?”

“Huh?”

“Me becoming your girlfriend. What would that change?”

The question threw me off balance. It rattled around my head for a moment as I tried to tackle it. She didn’t give me much time to think about it as she continued.

“Us dating isn’t going to change the dynamic we have. Saying I’m your girlfriend isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with other guys. It’s not going to stop me from sending you pictures or playing our little game.”

“I know that.”

“So it’s not about the title—”

“That’s not—”

“And if it’s not about the title,” she continued over me. “Then it’s about something else.” Her eyes bored into me with an intensity that made it impossible to look away.

It made me feel guilty. About what, I had no idea. It just did.

“Dates—”

“Nothing is stopping us from hanging out together more,” she cut in. “Movies, shopping, getting dinner, or just spending some time hanging out. I’m fine with any of that. We don’t have to be dating to spend time together. I enjoy spending time with you, but I’m a busy person too. I’m willing to spend more of my time with you if that is something you want, but you are going to have to step up and start inviting me.”

I clenched my jaw, giving her a hard look.

“Why don’t you say what you really want?”

“And what is that?” I shot back.

“You want to fuck me.” Her bluntness didn’t hit me like it once did, but in this context, I took the full **** of the statement. “That’s what people dating do, right? Everything else you can get in a friendship. Of course, you can get sex from that too, but you aren’t the type of guy for that. You still attach sex with relationship status. By dating me, you would finally get access to everything I’ve been teasing you with.” I didn’t say anything, heated breaths filling my lungs. For a girl who could make my emotions dance like a professional musician, it was shocking how far off she was.

I mean, she was on point about the sex thing. Kinda.

Yet that wasn’t what I was looking for and hearing her made the final piece lock into place. I knew what I wanted with perfect clarity.

“I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want that, but that isn’t what I’m looking for. It’s intimacy.” The moment I said that it was like all the words I was searching for found me all at once. There was a rushed cadence to my words as they spilled out. “I know I want to do this with someone I care about, but I need them to care about me too. I am putting myself in a **** position. We both know what happens if things go too far. I need to be able to trust my partner.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“No.” This time, it was my turn to be blunt. It was weird seeing her look of surprise. Was it really that shocking? “We may both take enjoyment from this arrangement, but it is obvious your primary focus is yourself. I don’t blame you for it. It is perfectly fine to be selfish in a friends-with-benefits relationship when the understanding is using one another for sexual release. That isn’t what is happening here. I can take what you are throwing at me, but it needs to be balanced with care, respect, and affection. I need to feel safe putting myself in the position I do because it is incredibly easy to get hurt doing this. Frankly, I don’t feel that way with you.”

To her credit, she didn’t look angry or off-put. If anything, she looked reflective.

Fucking hope. It crawled out of whatever bunker it was hiding in and began to nudge things inside me. Had I convinced her? At least she was thinking about it. That was better than the flat-out ‘no’ from earlier.

“I see.” Well, that was a cryptic response. It gave me nothing to go off of, and her face was perfectly schooled to give nothing away. “I’ll admit that I haven’t thought too much of how things are from your perspective, so this has given me something to think about.” Standing, she moved her chair back to the table. “Perhaps we should put a temporary pause on things.”

I was about to disagree but caught myself. We were playing a dangerous game, and it was best to make sure we had a handle on what exactly we wanted from each other. I needed to be able to walk away from this. Even though I enjoyed it on some level, I couldn’t let that enjoyment blind me to the risks involved.

“Probably for the best.”

She nodded and started to walk away. Pausing, she glanced back. “Do you still want pictures?”

I opened my mouth, paused, then answered. “Would it be hypocritical of me if I said I did?”

Her smile took what breath I had as she left.