His mind had gone everywhere

Trent’s sleep was disturbed by the feeling of someone moving in the bed he was in. For a moment he was confused about why there would be someone with him in his college dorm room. Brittany never stayed over. It all came crashing back into him as his mind managed to finish waking from the deep sleep he had been in. His mind relived the weekend of depravity and humiliation moment by moment. Every step was burned into his memory.

First came his transformation in the salon. Waking up to see himself as the new bimbo barbie doll for his feminized father drove a spike of anger and humiliation into his mind. Oddly, those weren’t the only feelings he noticed when he went back through the memory. He remembered other feelings. Some were odd, like the way the corset had felt like a tight hug, the pressure all around him pulling him inwards. The weirdest feeling though was the thought that had invaded his mind upon seeing himself in the mirror. There was a realization that he was so much more attractive as a woman than he ever would have been as a man. Then, the pride at being that beautiful.

His mind rebelled at those feelings, knowing that a man shouldn’t have them. Trying to avoid what those particular feelings might mean, his memory jumped to the training he had undertaken in the driveway. Humiliation at being seen by Jessica, anger at being **** to parade himself around like that, and fear of being discovered all took center stage. Again though, other feelings crept in. Pride at Jessica and Deedee’s words about his skill in the tall heels. The feeling of desire when Deedee had kissed him the first time. There was even something about the interaction with Jax that he couldn’t quite pin down.

Not finding enough anger or any solace in those memories, he thought of the shopping trip with Jessica. The way she interacted with him and treated him as an equal. Now that he understood who she actually was, he could see that she had always treated him as a toy when he had been younger. Someone to wind up and watch them spin. He knew that should have soured him on her. Instead he chalked it up to the fact that he had sort of deserved it. His actions as a teen had been just shy of peeping tom or pervert. It was just hard for him to find anger in his heart for Jessica.

The thoughts of the beautiful bouncy blonde calmed his mind as he lay there. It was easy to see her smile, the way she had held his hand at the mall. Even the way she had treated him at dinner. He knew she would never be his woman, but he wondered if maybe he would be alright with her being his friend. The realization that Trent would never be Jessica’s friend but that Tiffany already was hit him like a slap to the face. The desire and need to go back to being Trent felt like a negative thing for the first time. There was some sort of connection there that he wasn’t sure he wanted to lose.

The thoughts of Jessica were no longer a safe haven for him. His mind fled them with haste. They began seeking any other memory that would take them away from the feeling. They came back to the memory of coming home from the shopping trip to Deedee and Brittany. Sadness and elation tugged at either side of his brief interaction with Brittany. The fact that she hadn’t seen through the change and known who he was hurt him in a way he didn’t expect, even as he knew that her recognizing him would have been much worse.

Skipping past that, his memories brought him inside the house. Even Trent’s mind couldn’t find a bad thing about the interaction between him and Deedee by the front door. The pair of them bound up in each other, their bodies pressed tightly together, the feelings of her lips on his all combined into the most sensual moment of his life. There was something about the way that standing there on display for her had felt that he enjoyed. The look in her eyes as she took in his form and outfit. The pride in her eyes as he stepped through the door.

That last feeling swept the rug out from under his thoughts. His body tossed and turned on the bed as he tried to avoid the next thought. He knew it was coming, he could feel it like a tightness in his chest or a pressure between the shoulderblades. Sadly, nothing stopped it. That was the first time he could remember seeing pride in Deedee’s, or even Derek’s eyes. It had taken him becoming a different person to finally find something he had searched for his whole life. It wasn’t that Derek had ever treated Trent badly, more that his father had been busy. Dealing with his wife and his job had taken everything Derek had to give.

Trent almost laughed as he laid there in the bed with tears streaming from his eyes and his face buried in the pillow. His whole family was terribly and horribly broken. Each one carried their trauma in terrible ways. He had forgiven his mother for her actions long ago. He knew that she carried scars and had allowed those to dictate her actions to them. It didn’t make her actions alright, but it certainly explained him. He had never tried to forgive his father. It had always seemed like there was nothing to forgive. The man had provided a house, provided food, sent him to college, even tried to protect him from his mother’s volatile moods. Yet the more he looked back on it the more he realized that Derek had never been a father, just a man who paid for things.

His whole family was a group of people that didn’t like each other. His mother had clearly realized that first and left to find something better. Clearly, his father had let becoming Deedee become his portal to a new life. And then it clicked. Derek didn’t like his son. Deedee loved Tiffany though.

His thoughts were interrupted as the door swung open and a disheveled Deedee walked through the door.