Hello darkness my old friend

The barest glint of the morning sun peeks through the blackout curtains. A loud alarm blares on the iPhone, the noise hammering straight into Matt's skull, threatening to explode his skull.

"AGGHHH FUCKKKK!! GODDAMMITT!! SIRI SHUT THE FUCK UP!""

The beeping alarm stops. The throbbing pain in Matt's skull doesn't. He tries to take in deep breath to combat the pain. Instead, the stench of cheap booze and half-eaten two day old pizza lying in its box on the floor overwhelm his sinuses and almost make him throw up last nights content.

"Fuck that was close. Where the fuck is my fucking phone? SIRI play a tone!" **BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP** "OH fuck that NOISE! There you are...stupid.." Matt checks the time on his phone and heaves a sigh of relief.

"Woke up just in time." With a heavy sigh, he rises from his bed, feeling the weight of another day looming ahead. The routine feels mechanical, like he's merely going through the motions of existence. But the weekly date with the shrink in the evening had its perks. Today was **** day. Every 30 days was when the shrink would assess his mental state and prescribe him with either refills or would increase his dosage. Matt had a feeling today would be his lucky day and he'd get to up his meds.

Matt is more aware of his body now. His shirt is drenched in sweat, a testament to the turmoil within. This was more or less routine. And Matt was more or less used to it.

"C'mon. Get up and live another day. You still need to pay rent." Matt says to himself.

Matt feels the pressure of existence weighing down on his very soul. He reaches for his anti-anxiety medication to get some relief. He dare not go a single day without it, for it meant the whole day would be spent being waterboarded with emotions so intense it would quite literally take his breath away.

He knows the drill. The ritual of survival demands adherence to routines. Routines that are so ingrained and so deep that your body moves as if on auto-pilot.

With two decades of practiced efficiency, he sheds his clothes and steps into the shower, the hot water is always a temporary reprieve from the chill of despair that grips his insides. He steals a fleeting glance at his lean reflection in the mirror, a silent reminder of the man he once was. He knew he looked handsome, or at least he knew he did at one point. The ravages of his insides had affected how he looked on the outside. The stress showed even with regular grooming.

Matt doesn't even realize it but he's already on his way to work, driving down the highway. He barely notices himself pulling into the parking lot. And by the time he's even remotely aware of his surroundings, he is already on his desk with a cup of steaming hot coffee in a mug.

"Matt....Matt!....MATT!"

"Whuh...what..."

"I'm worried about you Matt. You're a good kid but I don't want you to burn yourself out. Take a vacation kiddo. You've saved up 30 vacation days. Our company carryover policy caps out at 30 days in a year otherwise you'd have had 20 more. This is already on top of the two weeks you have this year. You've worked here for 3 years now. You need a break!"

Matt looks up at the kind middle aged woman. He always thought she was the very definition of a butch lesbian. Short greying hair, tucked in buttoned down shirt, trousers and a well muscled stocky build that reminded Matt of lumberjacks.

"Grace I appreciate that but I don't need a break. I just need to keep busy, that's all."

"Matt I know what you've been through and I empathize, I truly do. But you do need a break. Take some time to process your feelings."

"Grace please. We've had this conversation before. I do appreciate you looking out for me but I assure you I'll be fine."

"It's been over 9 months Matt. I haven't seen you smile once in all that time. The Matt I know used to be a clown! An annoying joker and a damn smart guy! You ARE the reason we are where we are!"

"Grace..."

"No Matt, I didn't want to do this but you're forcing my hand. Effective tomorrow you will be taking the entire month of June off."

"WHAT? You can't do that to me!"

"I just did."

"GRACE WHY? June is literally tomorrow!"

"Better start figuring out what you need to do kid. Trust me, the breaks gonna do you good." Grace turns and walks away. The weight of this news briefly replaces the weight of his darkness. Matt felt lost. This threw a proverbial monkey wrench in the well oiled gears of the routine he called existence. Being busy was the only thing keeping him sane.

Suddenly he felt a chill run down his spine and the weight on his chest was replaced with a familiar fear.

A voice speaks in his ears.

"How long will you keep me chained Matt?"