Harsh words

The next twenty minutes were surreal. Like a dissociative dream, we robotically exchanged niceties, followed Rina inside, and settled in; all of us acted out of habit, as if the last couple days had not happened at all. I felt like a stranger in my own body, mindlessly performing in ways that did not align with my thoughts or feelings. It was only now, in this stillness where Rina and I sat alone on her large couch, that I felt the strange auto-pilot begin to fade.

We sat on opposite ends of the familiar furnishing, waiting quietly for Nia to finish in the bathroom. Despite having ample opportunity to indulge in our usual banter and catch up, the room was sober. There was a wordless tension beneath the surface, an air that said far more than we could ourselves.

…It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk with her. On the contrary, I had spent a not insignificant amount of time considering variations of that over the week. Now that I was facing the reality of the situation, however, I simply couldn’t articulate as I desired. All my carefully calculated verbiage seemed to fall pitifully by the wayside. With that avenue lost, I focused instead on drinking the tea Rina had brewed for us; audibly nursing my cup every time the silence dragged on. Rina, by contrast, left her beverage untouched, preferring to idly braid her split ends.

Thankfully, this could not last forever. Perhaps feeling this cold war had gone on too long, Rina opted to break bread via a cleared throat.

Rina: …Hey, thanks again for helping me with the bags…and with putting away all the groceries, haha... Wasn’t trying to give ya chores as soon as you showed up or anything.

Emery: Not at all, Rina. We weren’t just going to watch from the sidelines while you hauled all that inside.

Rina sputtered out another chuckle, brushing errant strands of hair from her face before continuing.

Rina: I mean…you could’ve, eheh. I wouldn't’ve held it against ya if you did. Hell, if I were in your shoes I’d have made fun of me for it. It was my genius idea to go to do a full shop right after work...

Emery: Hah, not a chance Rina. Maybe we’d act as your peanut gallery in another circumstance, but you walked like that all the way across town! What kind of friends would we be if we didn't help after all that?

Rina: Well…I…eheh…

Rina went quiet once more, her nervous smile progressively skewing the longer it lasted.

Rina: …All I’m sayin’ is I’d understand. If you want to grill me, then you’re not a bad friend…no worse than I am, at least, hahah…

Realizing now what Rina had been getting at, I opened my mouth to contest her. Before I could properly retort, however, I was cut off by Nia rounding the corner of the hall.

Nia: Hold up you two. I know it’s been a hot minute, but don’t start without me.

Upon entering, Nia caressed my back with one hand and thumbed at herself with the other, signaling a desire to lead the conversation from here on. I examined her closely, making sure she was okay. Her face held a sheen and her hair was slicked back, rivulets of water still clinging to her bangs. She seemed controlled, like she'd been taking a moment to cool off and prepare for whatever came next.

I nodded at her suggestion. She had been far more pursuant in engaging with Rina today, so it was only fair to give her the stage when asked. This was probably for the best even if she hadn’t been, given how much I’d been floundering when it was just Rina and I alone.

The lion’s share of the burden now off my shoulders, I leaned against the comforter in an effort to relax. Nia joined me, grunting in pain as her butt practically slammed into its plush upholstery. She let her neck drape over the back of the couch, intentionally rolling it around as she made herself comfortable.

Nia: Oof, man…phew, okay. Sorry to keep you guys waiting, my stomach was killing me.

She put on a smile, albeit a fairly **** one, and patted the remaining gulf between her and Rina.

Nia: Dude, why’re ya sitting all the way over there? Don’t be a stranger.

Rina sized us up warily, before eventually deciding to acquiesce and scooch closer.

Rina: Eheh, sorry, I wasn’t…um…anyway, you were in there a while. You doing alright?

Nia: …Nah, not really. I was, like, literally shitting myself out of stress, hahaha, then I needed to wash my face cause I thought I was gonna cry. But hey, on the bright side, you seem like you’re feeling a lot better today!

Rina crumpled at Nia’s emotionally sundering words, her scrunched gaze shooting towards the floor in tangible shame.

Emery: Nia…

Nia: Ahhh, hehe, my bad Rina. I was tryna be casual, but that mighta made it come out a little nastier than I wanted.

Rina did not respond. She remained still and hidden, walled off by the thick brown locks that were now practically interwoven with her fingers.

Nia: Hey, c’mon, I was exaggerating a bit. It was probably the leftover Thai food you warned me about, eh?

…

Nia: …Please look at me, Rina. I’m sorry if that was too much outta the gate, I’ve been in a mood today.

Again, she received no response. Nia’s jaw locked, trying to endure her frustrations toward the situation. I rubbed her back as she breathed deeply.

Nia: …Rina…please? This shit isn’t easy for either of us, but we can’t do this when we literally just started. We can’t be that fuckin’ lame, right?

Nia’s voice was soft and pleading, yet incredibly firm; it was a genuine, but strained tenderness that barely concealed the edge underneath. Beyond the jokes, she really needed Rina to work with her here, to work with us, if this was going to go anywhere positive.

After a brief pause, Rina timidly raised her head to meet Nia.

Rina: …Taiwanese.

Nia: Hmmm?

Rina: …You got it all mixed up, dumbass. You said it was “Thai” food…it was Chinese. The family’s the ones who are Taiwanese, and that means they’re from Taiwan, not Thailand…hahah

Nia: …Pffft, hahaha! Thank you, smart ass. Bad enough Em’s always correcting me on shit without you jumping on me too!

Rina: …Maybe don’t stick so much to your French, Italian, and whatever else it was then, heheh. Being a little more worldly doesn’t hurt, American girl.

Nia: I thought it was “I take the east and you take the west”. Which is it, jerkass?

The two of them giggled in unison, their childish banter working to dismantle the tension.

Nia: Hehe, see? It’s not so bad. Clamming up hurts way more than talkin’ in my opinion, even if it’s easier short term. And besides, you shouldn’t just ignore me like that, y’know? We agreed I’m the center of attention here, after all!

Rina laughed along with Nia’s jokes, but as she did her chuckles slowly changed; morphing into a series of semi-suppressed hics. Her eyes welled up, and her voice wavered as she struggled to reply.

Rina: Hah… Y-You’re righ-h… Fuck, sorry…I, ugghh…

Nia put a hand on Rina’s thigh as she took a moment to collect herself, giving it a reassuring squeeze while we waited.

Rina: …Nia…Em…I-I’m so…so, so sorry. I didn’t… I don’t know how… I don’t know if you even want me to try to make it up to you, but I…I… I’m sorry…even if you don’t forgive me… I’m sorry, I’m so stupid…I don’t know why I…

She stopped again, trying and failing to keep composure.

Nia: Aw, Rina…

Nia wiped a sleeve against her face, fighting off the reinvigorated tears she’d worked to wash away earlier. She pulled Rina into a side hug, then craned her neck and nudged for me to join in; an action I gladly took after I was done clearing up my own misty demeanor.

Nia: If you’re having trouble with what you wanna say, then let’s work on it together. We’re a team. If you get lost in the sauce it’s not gonna help anybody. Sound good?

Rina: …R-really? Still? But…but I thought you guys were here to…I don’t…

A barely constrained sob wracked her body.

Rina: …Why are you wasting your time with me like this? It’s only been two weeks…we didn’t even talk over the summer… Why didn’t you just cut me off? Why are you forcing yourself to…joke around…why’re you smiling?

Rina’s breath picked up, the ragged huffing only slightly muffled by Nia’s chest.

Rina: …You should be mad at me! Screaming, telling me I crossed the line for real… I betrayed you… I…I did something like that without asking or talking to anybody… I’m a creep, a terrible friend… I don’t deserve…this.

She waved a hand in the air, gesturing vaguely at our intimate situation.

It was Nia’s turn to stay quiet for a moment, before weakly laughing through her tears.

Nia: …Rina, hahah…wow, you really just ran away with this whole thing, huh?

A shudder ran through Nia’s body as she let out a long held sigh of exasperation.

Nia: God dammit, Rina…of course I’m mad at you dude! I’m super frickin’ peeved, ya dingus! But so what? Does me being pissed mean we can’t talk? Did you think you had to avoid us from now on? Is that how you apologize!?

Nia’s emotions flared as she spoke, her strained humor and exhaustion quickly melding with anger. She adjusted our group hug, moving Rina so they were looking at each other face to face. Their wide eyes met, Rina’s striking blue eyes locked with Nia’s own shimmering emerald.

Nia: Listen you goofy bitch, cause I’m only gonna say this once: I’m not happy with how the phone shit went down, but I’m not livid or anything either. It didn’t really bother Em, which is a big part of that.

Rubbing her temples, Nia continued as she began to ramble.

Nia: Yeah, sure, on my end I woulda liked it if you’d talked with me — made a plan so we could zhuzh it up ‘n stuff, make it more on theme — but you making a mistake and overstepping is not my biggest issue Rina. Em and I have been talkin’ about this stuff for almost a year, do you really think this never came up? Do you really think we never once considered our partner might not be perfect? Do you think we’re stupid?

Rina shook her head meekly at Nia’s question, listening intently even through the progressing tirade.

Nia: Good! So please, Rina…please understand, my main fucking problem is we’ve been friends for three fucking years and you didn’t even try to hash it out with us! You said “Fuck it, I screwed up” and ran away! …Why would you do that? You know this is super important to me and Em! You didn’t know how we felt about it…hell, you didn’t even ask! This is supposed to be a team effort! This whole mess going on right now is exactly why we said we need to share things! Isn’t that what we both agreed to, even though it’s hard? Or were you just lying to us?

Rina shook again to confirm she wasn’t, a new wave of tears streaming down her face as Nia thoroughly chastised her.

Nia: Well it’s hard to believe that when you ghost us for days and don’t say why! No, not even, you actively avoided us and lied about it!

Nia’s voice broke near the end, the hurt audible in her tone. She sniffed, rubbing her eyes and nose again before finalizing her thoughts.

Nia: …Don’t you get it, idiot? We were fucking worried about you! We knew you wouldn’t act like this for no reason, but we didn’t know what was up and that made it really scary! And now you’re jumping to all these crazy conclusions; saying horrible shit about yourself, telling us how to feel, even acting like we’re morons for caring in the first place! It was “only two weeks”? “We didn’t even talk over break”? Like, fuck off dude! Don’t try to cheapen our friendship like that cause you feel bad! That’s such bullshit! It’s bullshit and that’s why I’m mad! Not just some stupid fucking phone call!

In a flash, Nia pulled Rina back into the group hug, bawling as she held both of us as tightly as she possibly could.

My mind raced. I wanted to chime in somehow, to validate this rare, powerful moment where Nia expressed herself so directly — so very incisively. Her feelings on this situation, on the depth of her camaraderie with Rina, and her underlying fear, none of which I think I’d truly grasped. I was frustrated, both with my ignorance and lack of meaningful input. I wanted to contribute some means of resolution for her, to do something to help this situation as a whole…but, for once in my life, no words came to me. My voice was nowhere to be found.

With no recourse, and emotions running high, I chose to simply meet Nia’s **** head-on; embracing her and Rina vigorously as the three of us wept together.