God Sent a Well-Endowed Futanari in Clown Makeup to Make Me Smile

Have you ever found yourself lying in bed, knowing the ball was dropping at midnight in Time Square on New Years Day, but you left the TV off and let the moment pass? You weren't sleepy... but you just sat there with the lights off, scrolling through all the message apps and social media on your phone? Waiting for somebody to care that you didn't care?

That was me.

My name's Leonard, but these days, I prefer to go by Leo. That new years day of 2023 turning 2024, just after midnight, I had a change in perspective-- the kind of total outlook makeover that makes you want to start introducing yourself by a new name.

But for now, we go back to the first day of 2024. There I was, lying in bed, doom-scrolling and not exactly feeling sorry for myself, but really, just ready to be done. I had a job, but not a very good one. I had a family, but not one that cared. I sure as hell didn't have a girlfriend. That was on me, not them. I was living, but only the sort of life where you don't care if it ends.

The evidence was all around me: bags of trash and trash that needed to be placed in bags, spilling all over my apartment. Any flat surface in arm's length had been filled immediately over a period of the last few months. Those out of arm's length soon followed. It seems so simple: just take out the trash. Just walk it around the block to the dumpster. But it never happens-- and it doesn't matter how grotesque the trash, either. We're talking old food, standing liquids, the works. I was blind to the stench, but if I had any friends I wanted to invite over (I didn't), they were sure to fall ****, face first into a pile of old trash.

As I lay there at 12:05, a tinge of regret began to seep in. Then, that regret became anger. I only get a maximum of 100 times watching the ball drop in my whole life, don't I? I should have turned it on. Nobody cares what Ryan Seacrest has to say about the upcoming year, but people tune in anyways, right? Because you only get to see it once a year!

The problem was all that garbage. All that damn garbage! I kicked over a pile and, as if mocking me, everything that could slide out of the dingy black bag began tumbling out in random directions.

It was no longer optional. I had to clean that place. If I couldn't take pride in anything else in my miserable life, I could take pride in that one thing: I could turn this room, which looked like no human being could possibly live here, into a livable space!

I went out. I bought supplies at 24 hour stores. I scrubbed, and I bagged, and I dumped, and I churned, and I gagged.

The clock read 8 AM when I was finished. It was a Monday... I'd need to call out of work. I asked myself if I would be more depressed if they cared or didn't care that I wasn't there.

... But it was actually okay. However they reacted, it was all okay. Because my room was clean. Neat. Immaculate.

I flopped into my bed and stared at the ceiling, shading my red, tired eyes against the morning light. At some point, I'd undressed to just my t-shirt and boxers. I had nobody to impress and cleaning proved way too strenuous for my usual baggy lounge clothes. My lanky body nearly slumped off the poorly fitted bed as I shifted my covers off and scratched my belly.

Sure, it was a little stinky, even after a blast with odor killer, but it was my bed. A whole bed, with no trash covering it. I'd been sleeping on the couch for weeks now. I'd accomplished something that I wasn't contractually obligated to do. It had taken a while, but it had been worth it. It felt... heavenly. "God... Thank you for making me get off my ass," I prayed out loud. I wasn't religious, but somebody had to be responsible for me finally getting my shit together, right?

"No, thank you!"

I bashed my head against the headboard as I bolted upright. The TV wasn't on, right? I hadn't heard a human voice all weekend unless it was from the boob tube or the, uh, "boob tube," by which I mean the computer I watch all my porn on. Why am I hearing a voice? Why am I hearing a girl's voice? My door is locked one-hundred percent of the time in this shady neighborhood and my window too, even though I live on the fourth floor. Who could possibly be in here?

I'd probably look around and find I left some porn on my computer or something, right?

Wrong. Standing in the center of the room was something out of an ill-advised Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake, or someone cosplaying a children's cartoon character in my bedroom for some reason. I rubbed my eyes three times just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating-- I had just stayed up straight through the night, after all. A clown was standing there, wearing a big grin framed by exaggerated, bright pink painted lips. Matching diamonds were drawn around each of her eyes, with a blue rubber ball upon her nose. She had all the makings of a hallucination, alright, dressed in puffy jester pants with bright white lines cutting the blue, trailing up to flared hips, held up by suspenders over a blindingly bright yellow, billowy blouse that no sane person would wear with all that blue... or period, really. Upon her neck sat a blue, leather choker with a big cat bell dangling from it, jingling with each exaggerated movement of her head. Her hands were covered in huge, light blue rubber gloves, like a parody of medical safety gear. Her feet were covered in huge, squeaking blue shoes with yellow bells on the tips, matching ones hanging from the suspender's belt around her waist.

With all of that detail, the one that stuck out the most was her hat. It was huge, with an ethereal, glowing yellow rim and massive feathers of white sticking out in all directions. It cast a shadow over her otherwise cheery eyes, and from under it, hair like cotton candy in texture spilled out like a plume of clouds, striped all over with an erratic pattern of blue and yellow. Would even an actual circus clown wear something like that?

I shrieked like a girl in a horror movie, grabbing the blanket off the bed and pulling it over my sweaty, half-naked body.

"Woah woah woah, buddy! That's a step in the wrong direction!" she protested, waving her oversized gloves back in forth in the air with a big woosh noise each time they flew past my face. "Deep breaths, deep breaths!"

The idea of getting slapped around my this mysterious intruder's rubber gloves did little to take the edge off. I felt like I was having the worst **** trip of my life. I closed my eyes, counted to three, then opened them. She was still there. "Take my wallet," I begged her, pointing over to the stand by the TV.

"A tip already? How generous! Haaa cha cha cha!" she joked, clasping her hands together and tipping her big bonnet at me. "I knew you were one of the good ones!"

I didn't understand a thing she was saying, but her words did catch my interest. "One of the good ones? Me?" I asked dubiously. "One of the good whats? I don't think I fit that description for... well... any genre of person. I'm not good at my job, or this 'life' thing in general... hell, I'm not even any good at online games, and that's basically all I do in my down time."

"Besides masturbate, you mean?"

"H-Huh, what..." I babbled, then looked to the computer. It had somehow popped on and an image was displayed on the front: a woman with a dick held in front of her upper face. She was worshiping the cock before her with the sort of reverence no girl would really show any part of the human anatomy, literally salivating, as the guy rubbed his length up and down the bridge of her nose, half-revealing her eyes with each little up-and-down motion. "Shit!" I jumped out of bed to turn the monitor off.

"Ha cha cha cha! Come on, we're both adults here. I'm not going to bust your balls over something like that."

I crossed my arms, sulking a bit as I sat back onto my bed and muttering under my breath that it was too late for that. "What are you even doing here? No, for that matter, how are you here? Why... No, never mind that! Who the hell are you?!"

"Glad you finally asked! I've been saving my introduction, Leo!" she giggled, stretching out her suspenders and giving them a crack back into place. That's when I noticed something I'd somehow missed earlier... Two somethings. Two really important somethings. Somehow, I'd been so distracted by all that clown makeup and gear that I'd failed to notice the unreal size of the clown's hooters. She was not the kind of clown who could do kids' parties. When the suspenders hit them, those two huge globes jostled around in her blouse like they had a mind of their own, a bit of cleavage poking through the spot between the collar and the silk fabric. "The name's Haberdasher, but you can call me Hattie! All my friends do."

"... How did you know my name?" I asked, trying hard not to stare at the clown's balloonish tits. I asked myself: they weren't balloons, right? That seems like something a clown would do.

The woman's face adopted another big grin with her eyes squeezed shut and she pressed a finger to each of her cheeks. "Because I'm an angel, silly! An angel sent from heaven!"

This got more nonsensical by the minute, I thought. Or wait... maybe it wasn't nonsense? Maybe rather than hallucinating because I worked myself too hard in the stench of my own trash from midnight to eight, I had actually died from it? Maybe she was a real angel? I decided to humor her. "Okay, I'll bite. let's say you're an angel. Why do you look like that?"

"What do you mean? Oh, my boobs?" she asked, sticking her tongue out as she grabbed one up in each hand and jostled them.

"N-No," I stammered, trying to decide if it was okay to watch. "I mean why the fuck are you a clown?"

"Hmmmmm... we'll get to that! Let's just say I was assigned to you specifically, by the Big Man himself. If you aren't smiling already, it's time to start, because I'll have you know, he is pleased as punch! He's happier than a hot dog in a bun! He's-"

"Yeah, I get it, he's tickled pink," I cut her off, then sighed deeply. "I'm glad the now confirmed higher creator of our universe is so jolly. What does that have to do with me?"

"Weeell, you see, humans are divided into certain subsections by their potential."

"Like predestination? Crap. This is getting into some stormy theological territory."

"No, silly billy! What I mean is they're grouped by the sum of their character and the average of their deeds and accomplishments."

"Oh fuck," I groaned. I was going to hell for sure. I hadn't done a single worthwhile thing in my life. I never prayed, for that matter. "I'm toast."

"Quite the opposite! First off, just being a bum doesn't put you into hell, so wipe that sweat off your brow."

"So you're saying I am a bum?"

The clown laughed nervously, pulling out her collar in an exaggerated gesture. "H-Ha cha cha cha! Well, we do have a 'bum' tier and, well... you're in it!" Just as I was about to roll over, pull the sheets over my head, and deny that some mythological entity had just appeared in my room and insulting me, she waved her hands again, panicking. "Wait, wait! I'm here to make you smile! Come on, what you're doing right now is like leaving me a one-star review!"

"You want to make me smile, but you bust in here and start calling me a bum?!"

"No, you didn't let me finish! I'm trying to tell you that you're graduating! You're one of those one in one-hundred-thousand cases where you've left your tier and entered a new one! You, my friend, have graduated from bum!"

"... Huh?"

"Congratulations on cleaning your apartment!"

"... Wait. Wait wait wait. You're telling me you're here because I... took out my trash?"

The clown gave another hearty chuckle, then gestured around the room. "My bosom chum, you have done a lot more than that! Look at this! This place is rent-ready! Photo-ready! You could literally use this room to advertise the apartment complex! Well... m-maybe after adding a little more decor and some nice drapes. My point is, you manifested a hidden talent for cleaning and turned this room from a chemical hazard into a spotless bachelor pad. If a little sad. A sad pad."

"Why do I feel like you can't give me a straight compliment?"

"That's what you're focused on?! I'm saying you changed your destiny!" Hattie cried, bopping me on the head harmlessly with one of her big, cartoony gloves. "And as an incentive for everyone around the world to elevate their places in life through their own efforts, you will now be awarded a miracle! Yaaay!" she clapped her hands almost desperately, trying to get a smile to rise to my face.

It wasn't working. I raised one eyebrow skeptically. "I still don't get it. You're an angel, right?"

"Uh huh. I get the confusion, but the historical and popular depictions got it way wrong! The 'halo' everyone thinks they remember is just part of my hat," she giggled, lifting it off and turning it over in her hands. "And the 'wings' are just the feathers on the hat. Capisce?"

"No capisce. That explains you, but surely you're not saying all the other angels are clowns?"

"... Okay, you got me. I'm really just about the only angel that dresses as a clown. And I uuuh... I don't get a lot of assignments, for reasons that are completely unrelated, I'm sure," she coughed into one big fist. Then, she stuck one finger out, blew into it, inflated her thumb, and gave me a huge thumbs up. "But I don't let it get me down! After all, I'm here now! That's because I've been summoned down from heaven just for you!"

"You're my miracle?"

"I sure am! I'm here to make you smile!"

"..." I moaned internally, rubbing my thumbs to my temples and trying to make sense of the situation. "How? What? What are you going to do? Are you going to pull a million dollars out of those huge pockets? Fly me off to Hawaii? Put me on a date with a supermodel? I'm not sure I'd even care! What I'm saying is-- I don't even know what makes me smile, let alone what I'd consider a 'miracle.'"

"Well, let's take that porn you were looking at earlier. Is that the kind of thing you like? Blonde porn actresses slobbering big guy's cocks? Answer honestly! I'm an angel, remember?"

I squirmed in my bed a little and averted my eyes. I hadn't expected things to take such a personal turn. "Uh... Yeah. I mean, who doesn't? I look at that kind of stuff all the time."

"Hmmm... So when you looked at it earlier and left it up on your computer, that was because you'd just finished fapping, right?"

I nodded, averting my eyes even harder, now staring out into the closed shutters of the next apartment over. That reminded me: I ought to close those before somebody sees me conversing with a hallucinatory clown. I got up to shutter them, then felt a hand on my shoulder.

"So you're saying you ejected the pilot, right? You uh... dropped off the kids? You emptied the chamber? You discarded the white dragon tile? You -"

I turned around, then tried to hide how startled I was to be staring into her face at such a close proximity. From here, it was like I could see past the clown nose and makeup for a moment... She had beautiful blue eyes and cute dimples in her cheeks, which became more pronounced each time she smiled. "No, alright? I didn't cum. It just wasn't that sexy. It was boring."

"And how often has this been happening?"

"... A lot."

Hattie nodded, pacing the room like a doctor, as I finished closing the blinds. "Yes, yes. I'm sorry for putting you through all of that, but I wanted to make this next part easier. Perk those ears up! We're ripping off the band-aid: your angel is a clown because you have a clown fetish."

"... I what?" I asked, stupidly. God was telling me I had a clown fetish? The God decided that?

"It's true. You're having a hard time masturbating because there just isn't that much pornography of clown girls out there," she sighed, winking in a bratty way as she meaningfully crossed her arms beneath her bosom, pushing up those ridiculously heavy honkers of hers. "You didn't even realize you liked them! I doubt you even realize it now... but aren't my makeup and my nose kind of turning you on? Don't you just want to give it a little honk?" She leaned forward towards me, offering her nose.

My head was spinning. Instead of doing that, I fell back into my bed. "Why would I have a clown fetish?"

"Why does anyone have any fetish? You don't really get to pick! Haa cha cha cha!" she guffawed, slapping her knee with a loud whack. "But I'm glad you do!"

"... You are?"

This time the clown averted her eyes, seeming to suddenly become a bit shy. "Well... Yeah! It's kind of an honor to know you're somebody's dream girl, don't you think? I don't get matched up with a lot of guys. Clown's still a pretty fringe fetish, although the pendulum's swinging in the other direction as of this fine year of 2024! But I guess I'm saying I don't get a lot of guys..."

I gulped. She was right: her clown appearance was growing on me. It wasn't just that, though. This cute side of hers was a lot more endearing than the joke cracking side. I thought maybe I could make this work... but before I could engage, she interrupted me again.

"Hey champ, before we go any further... I think there's something else you ought to know."

"Lay it on me."

"You might regret that choice of words! Ha cha cha," my assigned angel laughed weakly, sounding like she was only half-joking. Grinning with what I thought might be hope, she slowly began to unhook her suspenders, working her thumbs clumsily under the oversized gold buckles clasping the belt on the front. Her breasts heaved, jiggling their mesmerizing volume as the suspenders released each side of her chest.

I gulped. I wasn't regretting anything at all. Things were going exactly where I'd begun to hope they were: this clown was asking about my masturbation habits because she was here to satisfy me sexually. Hell, if God says I'm into clowns, I'll be into clowns, if it means I get to motorboat those massive melons. I covered my mouth unconsciously with my hand, watching shamelessly as she dropped her oversized jester pants to the floor and kicked them off around the jingling bells of her shoes.

Her legs were exposed now and while they did match the odd pale whiteness of her makeup, they were also outrageously curvy, with thick thighs leading up to an apple-bottom that had been pretty well concealed by the clown pants. In fact, it was still partially concealed. That silky blouse was still hanging down, keeping things PG-13. I couldn't wait to see her open that up and give me a look at the rest of the goods. I cleared my throat. "Are you going to take off the hat and the gloves, too? And the rubber nose?"

"Uh, Earth to Leo! No, because you have a clown fetish, remember? I still need to kind of look like a clown!" she giggled, still seeming somehow as though she had a bit of trepidation behind her voice.

She'd told me I might regret something, but if anyone seemed to be losing the mood here, it was her. I liked her shy, but I didn't want her to be uncomfortable. "Hey, I know God sent you here to do this, but like, I don't want my miracle to get ****. If you don't want to strip down, you don't have to."

"No, it's just uh... There was an incident in the past," Hattie responded with unusual quietude as she began to shrug the blouse off around her shoulders.

"Incident?" I asked, half listening as the shirt began to leave her upper body.

Her crazy tits sprang around in the air as she loosened them from the top, covered in a clownish but unnecessarily erotic blue bikini with two big gold stars over where I roughly judged the nipples to be. The top tied like a swimsuit around the back and the neck and looked like it would come off with just a little tug. In fact, as those nonsensical boobs swung with every movement of her body, they looked like they might pop out of containment all by themselves. They were milky white, but also milky-- I had never seen anybody with jugs like this. Knowing that almost no other human had either made me want to put my claim on them by squeezing and sucking.

Frankly, I wasn't regretting shit. This really was heaven.

"Yeah, a little incident in the past where... Well... so you know, a clown fetish isn't really that rare. Like I said, it's becoming more common. What's a little rarer is combining it with uh..."

"The hat? Like, it's kind of gaudy, but-"

"No, not the hat, dummy," she responded with a pouting tone, still clutching the shirt around her waist and refusing to fully remove her arms from the sleeves. Finally, she yanked them out and let it fall. "I mean that this is my, um, shall we say, specialization."

The shirt pooled around her feet, but still, she had more tricks: a big, five-pointed star made of gold light, like a hologram, floated in front of her lower body, just below her belly.

I rolled my hand in a "get on with it" gesture.

"Okie dokie, you asked for it... Three!" she began, shrinking the star down with a snap of her fingers. I could now make out spaghetti-string straps of her low garment, shiny and blue. "Two!" I could now tell that whatever was on the bottom, it wasn't covering much- more pale flesh jumped out as the star became smaller. "One!" The star vibrated in place. "Zero!" with another snap, it burst into color like miniature fireworks, lifting the curtain on what she had been hiding.

The bikini bottom was just as lewd as the top, stringy, blue, shiny, and with a big gold star on the front and almost nothing on the t-style back. She was definitely shaven-- there was no fabric to hide any hair. That star on the front of her thong though was... poking out kind of unusually. Shamelessly, I knelt down to get a better look. I squinted and stared close at it, noticing a slightly musky scent that didn't match her otherwise girlish perfume. "It's uh..."

"Yeah."

I gulped. It was becoming harder to deny my hunch. The very distinct shape pitched against the stretched bikini twitched, as if in aroused response to being stared at so close. This was what I'd just been looking at on the computer: a penis. Not just any penis: a huge, girthy penis, stretching its confines to their max and threatening to snap the little wedged-up thong bikini right off of her juicy bottom. All over, her body was extremely feminine, if a little soft to call it "model like." She had a cute face. She had an ass you could bounce a roll of quarters off of. She had breasts that would make any porn actress you can name blush. But... she also had a really, really big penis. It was so big that if it became fully erect, it was either going to stick up out the upper hem or otherwise shoot the banana hammock off like a slingshot. It was amazing the balls and shaft were even managing to stay tucked inside. Talk about fitting 20 gallons in a 10 gallon bag...

"Ah, so you're uh... You're a clown, so this is a joke, right? Ha ha ha," I laughed, feeling disbelief surge throughout my whole body. "I mean... I'm uh... I'm not against you having a cock in general. Don't get me wrong. I'm not that kind of guy. It's just I don't really... You know... Want it inside me?"

Was she really about to tell me that God, in his infinite wisdom, sent a stacked clown girl with a foot-long cock to stick it up my ass?

She exhaled a held-in breath, then slumped her shoulders. "I know you don't. It was a mistake, right? God, I never get any action!" Hattie cried, throwing her hat down onto the floor in a tantrum. Her mood had done a complete 180. "Sorry. Sorry! I'm here to make you smile and I'm making a fool out of myself and then I'm making it sound like it's your fault! This is just like last time. They sent me to a guy that likes clowns but doesn't like dicks. It's just... really embarrassing." I heard her sniffle a bit.

Who ever heard of a sad clown? I wanted to cheer her up. And also...

Well, something didn't add up. I knew I didn't want to get fucked up the ass. I'd never had a hint of interest in that kind of porn, and believe me, there's a lot of it when you're experimenting, trying to find something that turns you on. And yet, my cock was still standing at attention. I shifted the covers aside so that she could see it.

"Huh? Wait... So....?"

"I don't want to take it in my ass. But... I think I still want it."

"I-It might be a little hard for a first timer to get it in their mouth without gagging-"

"No, not that either! I think I want to uh... Well, this is weird, but stay with me," I begged her. I looped around so that she could sit on the bed, now unintentionally forcing the bikini-clad clown girl to stare at my dick instead of the other way around. "Okay, so... Back in college... Me and my roommate used to do this thing. Reach-around. Assisted masturbation."

"You're gay?" the clown asked, crossing her hands over her mouth.

"No, dammit!" I shouted, genuinely pissed. I stomped the hat she'd thrown onto the floor by accident. "Not that there'd be anything wrong if I was. Right?"

"R-Right! I am totally accepting of all sexual identities!" the clown murmured, looking both ways as though to confirm God had heard her say it.

"But anyway, we'd both look at porn of women and, while we did, we'd... you know... jack each other off. A reach-around. You reach around the other guy's body and stroke his cock."

"That's super gay, though! Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"It's okay if it was gay! The gayness isn't the point! The point is, we were both thinking about women while we stroked a cock and it was... it was actually not bad! Actually, it was kind of awesome. We ended up doing it a lot. Shit. I've never told anyone that before."

The clown's eyes widened, then another big grin came onto her face. "So that's how I can make you smile? I can give you a reach-around?!"

"Y-yeah," I coughed into my fist, suddenly getting cold feet. As she clapped her hands and eagerly assumed the position, turning on the bed so that her shapely caboose was pointed in my direction for a moment before crossing her legs underneath her, I began to second-guess myself. However, when I got a look at that perfect ass-- her cheeks were fully devouring that skimpy thong-- I discarded my hesitation. I sat down, placing my back to her and watching the blank screen of the TV. Annoyingly, I saw my own flustered expression peering back from the reflective surface. "This is uh... Pretty much how we did it."

"Cool beans, brochacho. You're the boss! So I just reach around aaaand-"

Before I could instruct her on any part of it, I felt her rubber glove move right past my belly, into my shorts, and onto my cock. The smooth coolness of the glove made me shiver and the playful glove, previously used for slapping and tom-foolery, became something else entirely, eagerly caressing me with a woman's slender fingers hidden beneath the thin material. This didn't feel like when I jacked off and it didn't feel like my roommate's hand-job either. This was something different: her eagerness to prove herself combined with her angelic expertise manifested the ideal hand-job in an instant.

The softness of her fingers...

The glove's slick texture...

The elevated breathing I could hear just behind my neck...

Her soft, impossibly voluminous blue-and-gold streaked hair pooling around our two bodies...

The contours of her shoulder-blades nestled against my own, making this unusual, awkward position into a mechanism of beauty, a Michelangelo of assisted masturbation...

God had made this woman to give hand-jobs! It was intelligent design at its finest!

"Oooh fuck," I gasped, feeling my extremely backed up jizz begging to release already. That was no good. I was about to break rule numero uno of the reach-around handbook: you return the reach-around. Back in my roommate days, there'd been the bro code to think about-- in this case, it was more like not standing up your date. I wrenched one arm around, awkwardly grabbing at the girl's belly and thighs until I found the package containing her monstrously large equipment. With a gulp, then a breathy grunt, I fished the shaft of it out. When I used my own hand to fap, I basically put my whole dick in a cave with just the head sticking out. When I grabbed hers? It was like I was lucky to get my fist around it. The circumference was flabbergasting and the length was unreal. Her cock was over twice as large as mine.

The feeling was so alien that it knocked me out of the group fap session for a bit, before I finally remembered what I had signed up for. Instead of going slow, I tried to get up to the speed that she was already exercising on me, tugging up and down on the length of her engorged cock. I couldn't see it, but I basically knew the size and shape from my look earlier when it had stood out against her bikini... only, now, it was getting even bigger. "Holy shit!" I half groaned, half whimpered, both in awe of her magnum dong and with a bit of shame at my own. Not just that: her hand-job technique was clearly superior to mine. I could feel her throbbing a little, but she'd probably outlast me twice over. I was going to cum any second now.

"Shit! I don't have a cum rag," I warned her, stopping my stroke to encourage her to do the same. If we kept going at this rate, my back wall and my TV were about to get a rain-shower-- after I just cleaned the place, no less.

"Lucky for you, I'm a handy gal in more ways than one!" Hattie chuckled, sounding embarrassingly well below her limit in terms of how close she was to climaxing. "I always bring my own rubbers! Ha cha cha!" With an adeptness that I had no hope of matching, the clown girl somehow managed to free her hand from the glove that was encircling my cock, then pulled it down over my shaft. I heard a sound like the air coming out and then looked, narrowing my eyes in disbelief as I saw her rubber clown glove had somehow become a close-fitting, brightly colored condom around my dick. Moreover, she barely had to stop stroking for a second. Without missing a beat, she immediately grabbed hold with her now bare hand and continued jacking me off. I felt her place the other glove over her own dick. Now I didn't have to worry about-

Splattering!

It turned out the makeshift condom had been put on just in time. I started surging and splurging, filling the rubber glove with semen, but she didn't let up-- her hand kept on stroking well after my human instinct would have told me to stop if this was solo masturbation. Her technique was amazing, like she'd found that one special spot you squeeze to get the last drop of toothpaste out of the tube. I leaned my head back into her downy blue hair and groaned, cumming more and more as I gripped hard onto her shaft with my occupied hand, forgetting to stroke and squeezing instead. She wasn't cumming, but I was doing enough for the both of us. "Jesus Christ!"

"He doesn't have much to do with this part of it," Hattie giggled.

Once the climax ended and the euphoria wore off, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I'd been given the girl of my dreams-- doubtful at first, but proving herself further with each passing second-- for one miracle encounter only, and I'd wasted it by jacking off without even looking at her. I hadn't so much as touched her breasts yet and I was already spent, just from the stupid hand-job. Good as it was, I couldn't help but have buyer's remorse.

I felt Hattie pull off the rubber glove from my dick, stretching it off with a twangy snap of elastic, then lean on the bed, circling around to my front on all fours. "I still don't see that smile..." she sighed, smiling sympathetically as she switched to lay down on her arms, squishing her bosom beneath her onto the bed-sheets.

"Yeah, I just... I dunno. It was great. Way better than when I used to do it with my roommate. Like, infinitely better. It's just... I kind of wasted it, y'know?"

"Buddy, that was just Act 1! What kind of clown would I be if I had just one trick up my sleeve?" she questioned, grinning deviously.

"W-What do you mean? Look at my penis. I'm spent already." I wasn't the kind of guy who tended to get a second wind. One fap and I was off to bed.

"Is that so? Ahem. Nothing up my sleeves!" she joked, waving a hand over each of her bare forearms. "What's that behind your ear?"

Was this kind of joke supposed to get a smile out of me? I was still feeling pretty crestfallen over my lack of sexual stamina. I didn't think it would get up, regardless of her technique. "There's nothing behind my damn ear."

"What's that behind your balls, then?"

"Huh?"

Suddenly, Hattie cupped one hand under my sack and began rolling it around in her hand, massaging up near the underside of my shaft with her fingers. At the same time, she cupped the other hand near the base... then engulfed my flaccid penis inside of her mouth. She closed her eyes as she got to work, tugging and sucking the spent shaft. I had to marvel at the fruitlessness of the endeavor. She was clearly overestimating my abilities.

"L-Look, I appreciate it, but-"

"Mmbrmcuhdumbruh!"

Was that some kind of magic spell? It was really hard to understand her with her mouth full of my cock. I doubted her for just a second longer before I began to feel something stir inside of the warm vacuum of her mouth. It felt like it wasn't just her tongue circling-- some kind of spring-like mechanism was making its way down from the head of my penis to the base. I finally saw it: a bizarre, worm-like streak of gold, much like the star she'd generated earlier to hide her genitals, was now coiling around me! My body was spent from a combination of jacking off just a moment ago and staying up for over 24 hours by now, but her angelic magic defied reason-- I felt blood rushing back to my cock and felt myself getting hard again.

She withdrew a bit, now with slightly smeared lipstick and a warm smile on her face. An odd, blue colored tongue extended from behind her lips and licked around them. "I haven't seen that smile yet, Leo!"

Her head came back down like a jackhammer, giving me no time to think and forcing me to brace by placing one hand on my headboard and the other upon the vibrant blue-and-gold poofs of her clownish hair. Her eyes, curled into happy crescents, watched my own as she placed one hand upon my thigh and tickled my balls with the other, spurring me back into life so hard that it felt like my libido was actually surging harder now than it had been when we started, before the hand-job. I felt the softness of her chest push up against the side of my leg as she adjusted herself to get closer, and boldly, I pushed aside the curtain of her outrageous hair to get a better look at her blowjob face. Those cute dimples and bright blue-painted cheeks retracted with each loud, noisy suck of my cock. A streak of saliva, along with her own electric blue lipstick, was left along the line of her attack-- my shaft was getting messier by the second. I saw where this was going. There was no point in worrying about a glove or anything like that-- it was pretty clear how she planned to keep the room neat after this one.

I wasn't sure if I could get my cock free even if I tried. Perhaps this was the strength of a supernatural, angelic being? Her lips were closed so tightly around my dick that it felt like I was vacuum sealed. Her slurping and sucking noises filled the room in a way I thought would be hard to hide from the neighbors-- I hoped they'd both gone to work already. I found myself embarrassingly thrashing my legs as I started cumming for a second time-- I wasn't used to being this powerless while jerking off, and the complete lack of agency was both frightening and exhilarating. Not that I wanted her to stop! Hattie rolled my balls in her hand, toying with them, and finished me off with another big, long suuuck, before popping her lips free and flashing a big, goofy smile. A closed-mouth smile this time. Her cheeks were puffed up like she was gargling mouthwash, and then she really did gargle, throwing her head back and making an exaggerated noise. I listened as she gulped hard, sucking it all down her throat. Now, when she brought her face down, she had her usual mischievous grin again. "Talk about breaking out the good stuff for a guest! What'd I do to deserve all that?" she giggled, pushing her curls back over her ear with the back of one hand as she resumed a sitting position.

Why was she talking like she'd just been done a favor? I know my cum doesn't taste that good... I mean... I imagine it doesn't, right? I lay back now, trying to catch my breath, as my cock went flaccid for a second time. I'd managed to blow my load twice in a span of a few minutes, but I hadn't even done anything for her yet.

From this position, lying down, I could see her bikini displaced from my earlier activity. Her erect, throbbing cock was standing straight up and twitched a bit as I viewed it. I gulped, trying to imagine giving her a blowjob like she just did me. I didn't think I had it in me.

And yet, I really wanted her to cum... I didn't want it to be just me.

"Hey, buddy. You said earlier that you actually love going co-op, right?" Hattie asked, tilting her head a bit to watch me. When I nodded, she gave another knowing smile and a wink, raising her finger in a "eureka" gesture. "Then I know just what we ought to do next!" She began to shift on the bed, straddling me now so that she was on top and I was on bottom. I thought to myself that I had the height advantage between the two of us, but when you compared the size of our cocks, it was pretty pitiful how much I lost out. Actually, another thing worth noting: she was probably heavier than me too. Her breasts and ass caught the eye, but she was pretty soft all over, with thick thighs and a cute, plush tummy. Now, all of that rested over me, with her glorious blessings of god pushing squarely against my chest. As her shadow fell over me, she began to rub her over-sized dick against my own. "You've never tried frotting, have you?"

"Huh? N-No. I mean... My roomie and I wouldn't do that. And I'm not gay, reminder."

"But you want to try it, I'll bet?" she asked again, sticking her tongue up out the corner of her smiling lips as she fenced with my penis, nuzzling it back and forth with her own. "No lying to an angel, remember!"

"I'm spent," I reminded her, averting my eyes a bit. It felt like a poor excuse, because I knew what was coming next.

Hattie twirled her finger in the air and giggled, then summoned another coil of light. This time, it wrapped around both of our penises like a ribbon, even forming a bow that settled between her shaft and her lower abdomen. As our cocks were tied together by the heavenly ribbon, I felt that same vitality surge as earlier, restoring motion and blood-flow to my member. "Motherfucker..." I groaned, realizing now how much I wanted to continue, in spite of how emasculating it was to have my dick tied to a much larger one. There was no use fighting it. I began to move my hips, rubbing my cock against her much larger one, while digging both hands into her substantial ass-meat. The bells on her shoes and the one at her neck jingled as she matched my motion, moving a bit more delicately than I was so that our penises wouldn't get out of alignment. The warmth of her body was heavenly and I could feel every subtle twitch of her penis as she excitedly smiled down into my face.

Part of me wanted to kiss her. Why did that feel so strange? We'd already done things way more intimate than kissing. But that one action somehow felt like it was crossing a line... we were relative strangers.

Instead, I used my mouth another way, first displacing the bikini top from around her breast using my teeth. Big, indecently puffy nipples spilled out, bright and pink against the white of her flesh. She bit her lip excitedly as I started licking around the circumference of her right nipple, then teasing the nub. Such delicate measures were wasted on a body like this. I opened my mouth and took as much of the nipple in as I could fit, sucking on it like a baby. For the first time, I heard her make a little pre-orgasm moan like the ones I was embarrassingly letting out. Encouraged, I dug my hands harder into her buttocks and squinted my eyes shut, sucking her tit and rolling my tongue across its surface. I felt her cock twitching harder against my own as the frotting picked up pace.

"Ah! W-Wait! I don't have a rubber ready! You're going to mess up your room and get bumped down to bum tier again!" she warned me, though her movements didn't stop. The blue-and-gold curls of her hair moved like a storm-front in fast motion around her face. She no longer bothered pushing it out of the way, letting loose curls fall all around her eyes and her smeared face-paint.

I didn't care about the damned rubber, of course. I nearly bit down on the nipple as I groaned into her chest, burying my face in her tits as I began shooting off again. I felt cum hitting my belly and hers as they intersected, caught in between us. Frustratingly, I thought it was still just my own. I hadn't quite gotten her... Plus, now I'd have to wash the bed sheets.

Had I really gotten that aroused from rubbing another dick against my own? A clown's dick? I really was a freak, huh?

But it felt amazing... I shuddered with pleasure as I motor-boated her crazy tits and squeezed her ample ass-cheeks. There was no feeling like this. Beyond all of my fetishes, just to be held this way, squeezed into the softness of a literal angel... I felt like she really was my dream girl.

She finally withdrew the ribbon and rolled over to lay on her side, releasing me. I enjoyed the disheveled look of her appearance now, with her hair out of place and her make-up begging for a reapplication. I wanted badly to kiss her...

"Something on your mind? How about it, champ? Anything else you need in order to make you smile?" she questioned, resting one arm beneath her while she playfully fiddled with my spent dick once again. Her smile in the 9 am sunlight was so gorgeous, I think I actually blushed. "A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G."

I gulped. I wanted a kiss. I wanted to take her blue-painted lips in mine and kiss her sloppy until all the rest of her make-up came off, showing me her real face. I wanted her to be my girlfriend, not just my miracle for the day. Part of me wanted her to be my wife, even if it meant a lifetime of explaining why I was married to a clown.

I couldn't say all that. I deflected. "Can I... You know..."

"Mm hm?" Her big, sincere blue eyes were torturous.

"... Can I put it in?"

I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. She looked surprised for a moment... then gave a polite smile. "You know I don't have a vagina, right? I'm not the type that has one hidden under my genitals-"

"Yeah, well, there's the other hole. I'll use that one."

"Bold! Anal on the first date! I like it," she giggled, clapping her hands and jingling the bell on her neck. "Sure thing, buddy boy. Let's go to the most romantic room in the house~"

Hattie took my hand in hers and got up, leading me with a shameless sashay of her eye-catching hips. With so much of her clown make-up taken off and her bikini displaced, she was nearly au naturel now, and I realized that such a perfect girl wouldn't come my way again. My heart sank a bit at the thought. I tried to shake the thought from my head and enjoy the moment. There was only one room she could be talking about and my hunch proved to be right: she meant the bathroom. My angel girlfriend for the day grinned over her shoulder at me, spread her legs, then took a spot over the toilet, bending over to give me full access to her rear while pressing her hands up against the wall. She wiggled her rear invitingly in a back and forth figure eight motion. "How do you like this trick?" she questioned, biting her lip as she shook her booty up and down. The bounce was unreal. It produced an audible smack, taunting me into action every time the meat threw down and hit the part above her thighs. "You won't get this from any other clown-- or really, many other angels, ha cha cha!"

I felt my cock twitch. She hadn't even used magic this time. I just wanted it that badly. With no further hesitation, I placed my hands upon her shoulders, hunched my lanky body over her soft, weighty one, and started pressing against the puckered entrance with the head of my cock.

Crap. I forgot to lube.

Sensing my plight, Hattie gave me a wink, then twirled her finger. A golden rod materialized, coated in some sort of viscous liquid that looked like honey but couldn't possibly be that. She telekinetically moved the rod in and out of herself by wagging her fingers back and forth-- the tool loosened up her asshole and lubricated it at the same time. "You're not the first guy to want buttsex with an angel!"

I couldn't help but laugh. It was such an incredible statement.

"There's that smile!" Hattie grinned ear to ear, then began to massage my cock up and down with her pillowy butt-cheeks. "Can I consider this your five-star review, friend?"

"Eh, four stars. The bread sticks were cold," I joked, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice as she gave me a butt-job. I'd never done anal before, but that wasn't really what was bothering me. With her talking about smiles and reviews, I was reminded about her intention here. She was here to service me, not love me. I was crossing some serious boundaries between angel and assignment, I thought. I tried to put it out of my head as I backed up just a bit, lining up my shot, before thrusting slowly into her waiting asshole.

I wasn't sure if I had the girth or length of that toy she was using a second ago, but the truth they don't want you to know is that a penis the size of mine-- maybe a little below average-- is still plenty to put in an ass like you'd need to. I heard her give a soft moan of pleasure as I went into the tight crevice, now gripping my hands onto the amazing globes of her ass-cheeks and digging my fingers in tight. I began to thrust in and out, her voice echoing slightly in the acoustics of the modestly sized bathroom as she threw apart her legs to make more of an "A" shape, jingling the bells on her toes. Each rock of my body against hers caused the one at her neck to ring as well, and her hands struggled to find a proper position against the slick tiles of the bathroom. Her buttocks wobbled and rippled with the **** of my thrusts as I put all of the manhood I had into it, using her a bit roughly in my attempts to pleasure her.

Her balls were bouncing along with the motion too and her dick was barely aimed at the toilet. It had gotten pretty erect. It wasn't easy to make that angle.

I didn't want to stop until I saw her finally cum. At this rate, I was going to shoot inside of her ass before she shot into the toilet. I needed more.

I changed the position of my hands, moving them from her ass to hook under her arms and squeeze onto each breast. Her bikini top was fully out of place and I kneaded each tit hard, feeling the nipples in my palms and allowing the mass of each breast to nearly engulf my hands. Sweat covered my body and hers as we filled the bathroom with more grunts and moans. If my neighbors had failed to hear the noise earlier, my downstairs neighbors were going to hear it traveling through their pipes now. All the while, I endured the excruciatingly erotic feeling of her asshole pressing in against my cock. Even after her using the toy, it was so tight! It was hot and sloppy with lubricant, allowing me to slide in and out easily, but the pressure was still there.

"Crap... I'm going to..." I growled, clenching my teeth. I knew it was coming. I was about to give out again, cumming a fourth time without letting her enjoy a single real climax.

"Well, this is the room for it, but try not to crap right now!"

The joke felt like it flipped a switch in me. That kind of talk right now was so off kilter, so goofy, that it really drove home that she was a clown. With a joke like that, she'd have to welcome a retort, right?

I saw her eyes open in surprise as I leaned further over her body, shifting my arms into more of a hug now, then leaned my head over her shoulder, grabbing her lips in mine. The clown make-up she'd had earlier made her look like she had huge, cartoonish lips-- that was just the way clown face-paint works. In reality, her lips were soft and womanly. When I closed my eyes, I could picture her without the whole get-up. Maybe that was part of the appeal of a clown? I think I was starting to understand my own fetish.

She didn't protest at all. In fact, I think she'd been waiting for it too. I felt her heartbeat quicken as she eagerly returned my kiss, allowing her blue tongue to wrestle my decidedly more normal one. It was a struggle to see her face amidst a veritable cloud cover of blue and gold locks, but I did my best, wanting to see the sparkle in her eyes. My nose brushed against the rubber one she wore as I adjusted the angle of my face, kissing her as deeply as I could manage. At the same time, my hips hit down harder and harder. I hugged her more and more tightly, feeling my arms sink into the unreal softness of her body.

I'd graduated from being a bum, but I never wanted to work another day in my life. I wanted to spend an eternity in this moment, if it was possible. "Hattie...!" The words came out as a snarl as I backed off and clenched my teeth, trying hard not to shoot before she did.

But that was just it. When I looked, I realized her eyes were rolling a bit and her mouth was forming an O, giving her a stupid expression. Her dick was shooting out thick ropes of cum now, missing the toilet's bowl entirely and getting all over the back can instead-- the cost of fucking a clown with a dick that big, I guess.

That was my green light. "Hattie!" I cried again, throwing my head back as I shot inside her ass. It was the hardest I'd ever cum in my life-- probably still the hardest, although my masturbation schedule is a lot more regular and fruitful these days. I reset my hands to clutch her thick haunches for stability, breathing in hard, raspy gasps as I left everything out. Years of depression, sexual repression, and just general malaise all came to an end in that moment. I was born again. I believed in God and I thanked him for all of his gifts, strange as they were. But more than him, I prayed to the angel right in front of me... the most benevolent soul I'd ever met.

I was panting so hard it was hard for me to form words. I realized it was hard for her too-- she hadn't made a single joke in a while, which was well out of character for her. As spent as I'd ever been in my life, I hung my arms at my sides, then stumbled away, heading back for my bed without bothering to do any kind of clean-up in the bathroom. I plopped down on my bed and shortly after, she joined me, landing with a heavy creak of the bed and splaying her limbs in all directions. I saw that for the first time of the morning, her cock was also flaccid. Mission accomplished.

A big smile came onto my face unbidden. It was just too nonsensical a scene. I had to laugh. But the situation was even more ridiculous than that. I needed to tell her how I really felt.

"There's that five star review I wanted," she chuckled, reaching over and pressing one finger to the tip of my nose. "A clown can't ask for a better review than a laugh. And an angel can't ask for a better review than four cum-shots, I might add."

"Ha ha... Yeah."

"Woo... What a morning. I haven't done it like that since... ever!"

"Me neither. Say-"

"Yeah, I know what you're going to say. It's time for me to take off," she sighed, rising up to a sitting position and straightening her hair. She picked up her namesake head-wear from the ground and placed it over her head, while leaving the rest of the clothes strewn all around. "Can I count on you for a little more clean-up? We gotta get you back on the right side of the scoreboard, after all!"

"Y-Yeah. But no! You don't have to leave! I mean... You know," I mumbled, sitting back up and rubbing my forearm awkwardly. "You want breakfast? It's that time after all. You can't eat just cum."

"Ha cha cha! You're right!" she giggled, then smiled sweetly, wringing her hands together. "But no, buddy. I can't stick around for breakfast."

I stopped pussyfooting around. "Hattie, I think you're the one. I love you."

The clown's eyes widened and she pressed one hand to her chest, as though feeling her own heartbeat. "Wait wait-"

"I mean, of course I do! You said you're my dream girl, right? And it's not just that. You said other guys don't get you. I do! I think we've got a real connection."

"Leo, hold on-!"

"We don't have to, you know, be a couple. You can just visit sometimes. You said you have a lot of free time, right? What do you like to do? We'll do it!"

"Woooah, buddy, I'm sorry! But that's not the way it works... I'm your miracle for one day only," she sighed, suddenly losing her trademark smile. She looked like she was just as depressed about it as I was. She grabbed up the rest of her clothes strewn about, now holding them over her dick in modesty as though hiding that part of her might dampen my feelings for her. "We angels can't come down any time we want. It has to be an assignment."

"God dammit!" I groaned, grabbing my pillow and burying my face in it. I'd finally found the girl of my dreams and, of all things, she was a clown with a twelve-inch dick who also happened to be an angel. It was literally impossible I'd ever meet anyone else like this in the world. Why did my dream girl have to be so specific? I asked myself: what kind of miracle leaves a guy feeling like this?! It was a Shakespearean tragedy.

Hattie rubbed her arm, looking like she regretted not being able to do more for me.

That was the last thing I wanted. From the very beginning, I knew I didn't want to see her sad. Maybe I was just drunk on the morning of passion, but I stood up from the bed, grabbed her forearms with my hands, then looked her straight in her wide blue eyes. "This isn't the last time!"

"H-Huh?" she questioned, as one of her gold curls displaced itself and fell over her eyes. She looked genuinely lost.

"I'm going to go up a tier again. And again. And again! And every time I do, you'll come back to see me! I'll keep doing it, more and more, all the time, for the rest of my life! I swear!"

A red blush began to overtake her face, visible despite the caking of ruined make-up. "F-For me? Oh, Leo... No. You're a human. You can't spend your life chasing after an angel like me-"

"There can't be any other! It's only you. We'll be reunited again and again on earth, and then once more in heaven. That's a promise."

"Leo... I..." she spoke quietly, then surprised me by putting on a big grin and wiping a tear from her eye, smudging her blue diamond make-up across one cheek. "Actually, I'd love that."

---

And now, you've seen my secret. This is the final chapter in the memoir of the CEO of the largest tech firm on the planet. The sponsor of a hundred charitable organizations. The donator of untold cash to hundreds of thousands of beneficiaries behind the world. The inventor of that spiritual movement that swept the nation and improved the life of millions. Known as 'the only ethical billionaire' and 'the man who created a world of smiles.' And yes, privately, the man behind the mysterious resurgence of clown culture popularity you're experiencing in your current day.

The world asked and here, at the ripe age of seventy-five, I've answered, if you choose to believe it. You now know the secret of my success. Dismiss it as insane rambling if you want, but try to take at least a simple lesson from it.

Start by cleaning your room. Then reward yourself with a fap session... and try out a tag you haven't browsed before.

You might just develop a liking for it.

P.S. I met the lovely Ms. Haberdasher an additional nine times throughout my life, and each time, the sex was freakier than the last. We had A LOT of sex. I got her for a week the last time and we used basically that whole week repainting the walls of my bachelor pad, if you get my drift. I think I'm just about out of tiers to go up and years to use, so I'm counting on meeting her again in heaven. Fingers crossed!

-Leo Bowman