Go talk to Ray

You get out of your car and start heading up the gravel drive on foot. The sound of the gravel under foot isn't exactly quiet and before Ray gets back to his front door he hears you coming and turns to look at you.

'Officer Melons, what a lovely surprise'

This is going to be hard you think to yourself.

'Afternoon Ray. Can I have a word?'

'Of course officer, anything for a lovely lady like you'

You politely smile back and follow him into the house and into a large living room. Huge 54" TV in one corner and enough sofas to seat a football team.

'Take a seat officer, I'll fetch us a drink. Whiskey?'

'I'm on duty. Nothing for me thanks.'

He smiles and heads over to the bar he has set up in another corner of the room. He pours himself a whiskey and then drops one ice cube into the glass.

'Take a seat officer. Perch that lovely bottom on a chair.'

You do as your told and Ray sits down next to you.

'Ray this isn't easy but I have some bad news I'm afraid.'

He takes a mouthful of Whiskey and turns to look at you hesitantly.

'What is it my dear?'

'It's your son Ray. I'm afraid he's been killed.'

Ray's face suddenly turns solemn. Not angry, not overly upset almost thoughtful.

'Oh' he replies after a short pause

'And how has he been killed?'

'It looks like he's been murdered. Do you know who might have wanted to hurt him?' you ask

'Everyone' Ray looks at you as though it was the most stupid question asked by anyone ever

'He owed money to a lot of people officer. He was a drunk, a womaniser, an alcoholic and a **** taker. The world is a better place without him.'

'That's your son' you say slightly shocked by Ray's reaction

'Yes and look at how he turned out not half the man I am.'

With that Ray gets up and walks over to the window looking out. You get up and walk behind him putting your arm on his shoulder.

'I did everything else right in my life except family' he tells you. You can see his eyes welling up.

'I'm very sorry Ray. Is there anything I can do for you?'

'No, I'm just a sad lonely man, officer. You wouldn't understand that.'

He finishes his drink and the gets himself another as he begins to tell you his life story. Drink after drink anecdote after anecdote go by.

After 10, 11. Maybe 13 drinks Ray is pretty hammered.

'Let's get you to bed shall we you tell him.'

'Now there's an offer. I could still make you scream officer' he drunkenly slurs at you.

'Of course you could Ray.'

You manage to get him upstairs to his bedroom and he starts to strip off.

'I'll be off then, I'll pop in tomorrow to see how you are Ray.'

'Leaving me? I thought we were gonna have a good time?'

Even if you wanted to Ray is far too drunk to do anything you think to yourself. Before your next thought can cross your mind he stumbles backwards and lands on the bed. You rush over to check he's alright and he's fine but totally asleep. You bend down and finish removing his trousers at which point you notice the massive bulge in his y-fronts.

Jesus you think to yourself. Who would have thought Redburn's favourite son would have a huge donkey dick.