Give into panic

The cold streets were a blur as I wandered through them, stumbling almost like a drunk through campus. Everything that monster had said to me was reeling through my head, tearing at my thoughts and leaving the precious remaining reserves of my mental health in tatters.

Thoughts of my flat, my home essentially, being twisted from a place of rest to a cruel trap. Each one of my flatmates being a potential host to that creature, the picture of normality one moment and then an awful taunting grin the next, a private reminder as it mocked me from within their flesh. Grace, who was just beginning to come out of her shell, finally lowering the walls she’d built around herself, becoming an unwitting hostage, never knowing the danger that could strike her at any moment.

Or could strike her every night, and wipe her memories… who’s to say that fiend wouldn’t follow up on her threats and steal Grace’s skin, just for her own twisted pleasure? It’s exactly the kind of disgusting, hedonistic thing it would do…

I’d been walking so hard, so lost in thought, that I’d barely noticed where I even was, or that I was panting and exhausted. I collapsed onto a bench, catching my breath as I watched each exhale fog up in the chilly air. My body temperature must have been running seriously hot considering all the mist I was producing. A welcome change from the awful, supernatural cold that had been haunting me for weeks, even if it did have the queasy countenance of a fever.

I was tapping my foot against the ground, sweaty palms rubbing against one another, agitation working through my whole body. The thin college branded hoodie I wore was doing nothing to protect against the autumn chill, but the sweat that dripped down me showed how little I cared right now. I tried to focus on my breathing, get a hold of myself.

It wasn’t working. If I could stop to think logically for even a second, maybe I would have found the compassion to cut myself come slack here. It wasn’t so long ago I’d been an ordinary student, young and a little naïve, coming to college hoping for a bright break away from the stifling boredom and frustration of my high school life. Now I was a monster, the prospect of my skin breaking down forever looming whilst the dark temptations of these powers threatened to break down the remains of my morals too.

“Fuck…!”

My voice came out in a choked whisper, charged with helpless anger. I couldn’t sit still anymore; I tore myself from the bench and kept walking. The streets seemed to blur again as I moved, my inner peace shattered in a storm of negativity and fear. Any practical solutions to my problems were swept away in the torrents of my panic, while my legs seemed superhuman in their ability to carry me through empty street after street.

Eventually, even that storm passed. Far from the calming relaxation I’d hoped for, the perfect sunshine peace that often follows storms in reality, what I was left with was internal devastation. Exhaustion clung to my muscles like I was a seagull caked in oil, stumbling home to the apartment that I knew would never be truly safe again.

It must have been four in the morning when I made it back. The place was silent as the grave; my flatmates no doubt sleeping soundly. Who knew which one of their faces was merely being worn as a mask by that creature? I tried to sneak in, though any semblance of poise had been stripped from my movements. I told myself it didn’t matter, the cortisol-soaked meat of my brain trying to justify it to myself. It only made me feel worse.

My room was cold and thankfully clear of any visitors when I opened the door. My fingertips ached, the stress of the evening not entirely managing to distract my skinwalker side's unsatiated cravings, even as my face hit the duvet.

That’s just another problem for future Alex…