Getting past guilt

Taking another deep breath Amanda continued to pump her arms holding the little two pound weights as she pushed herself onward for another lap around the apartment complex. She had gotten up with the sun, tossing and turning most of the night and needed some exercise to clear her mind. She thought of Derrick and how he brought her roses at work, though when she stepped outside of her office she noticed some yellow roses on April’s desk and figured her friend was bought off to be more relaxed with who was allowed in. He had gotten April her favorite flowers, so that meant he had to have talked to her about the subject. Derrick was like that, he took the time to get to know people. He used that knowledge to help them, build them up and improve the mood of those around him. Amanda’s thoughts were put on hold for just a moment as she had to jog in place to wait for a vehicle to make their turn before she could go on her way.

She had worked a five hour day on Saturday, he had convinced her to leave some work for later and focus on the girls upcoming party. They had an early dinner, talked and made plans and acted like school kids on her couch for a while. She had felt his ardor and shared his desire to take thing to the bedroom, but she just wasn’t able to. He said he understood, and she knew he didn’t, he was just being kind. How could he understand how guilty she felt over sleeping with him while her boyfriend was pretending to be her daughter. She enjoyed just holding hands with him on the couch, watching mindless HGTV with remodeling shows with those twins and love it or list it. It all felt so strange and God it was! Amanda stopped to take a breath, holding her arms with the weights above her head as she took one deep breath after another. The text messages from Bailey the previous night had made her feel better, he had given her approval more than once now. Bailey had always made her feel things, when most other people she could dismiss. He brought lust, joy, anger, frustration and sadness. Before this previous week their fighting had gotten worse, and now he was giving up his male ego. Something she knew wasn’t easy for him, she had once asked him if he thought Idris Elba was a good looking man and he replied with he isn’t a fag. Now he was prancing around in high heels and even went on a date with April's brother, that was cute. She could imagine August trying to hold his hand in the theater or attempting to put his arm around Bailey and getting elbowed for it, but what ever happened that night August must of enjoyed the company or thought he had a good shot of getting into her panties with how April passed on the message that August would like to see her again, that was all to funny.

The time this week with Bailey felt wonderful, like getting a present you knew would never happen. Brushing her blonde hair at bedtime, cooking together, wearing matching outfits for their night out, heck even disciplining Bailey. It all felt like she got to be a mother, and every time Bailey called her Mommy she felt a spike of happiness. Not the type of feelings she should be having for her boyfriend, heck she often thought of Bailey as a she with how he looked and acted. This all was just crazy and she knew, just knew things were wrong, yet every single other person that knew the truth, even him kept pushing ahead. Sure they had fought the other night and God that was hard, but he turned around and sought the help of Megan of all people to help pull this off. Amanda shook her head before placing her forehead on the cold metal door of her apartment for a moment before going inside to cool down and do some stretches before making something to eat.

Amanda came to no conclusions to any of her thoughts as she finished stretching and removing her sneakers. She considered showering and changing out of her yoga pants and sports bra, but decided some scrambled eggs sounded too good to be put off for something as trivial as getting clean. As she cracked a few eggs her mind wandered back to the problem and the best she could come up with is try not to think about a problem no one else was seeing. Bailey had given a blessing for Derrick, but he was always adventurous in bed with wanting to try things. Like when he brought up an open relationship, that went over like a led balloon at the time, but now she thought she understood. She did wish she could reward him in some way for this, but…” Amanda shuddered at the thought of just kissing Bailey on her red lips as she pushed the eggs around in the pan to scramble them as they cooked. No it made her feel like a lesbian at the thought of being with another female even if it wasn’t really one. She thought to the nice lesbian couple downstairs, they looked cute together, and she enjoyed going to the farmers market with them a while back, but the idea of another woman in bed with her just felt wrong. So that was it, April her best friend, Megan her sister, Bailey her boyfriend were all on board with the plan. She would stick with it and try to follow their advice and enjoy the time instead of fret over it.

As the morning went on Amanda got cleaned up and put her brain to work for Monday evening for the girls. Derrick was understanding about her financial situation and promised to not do anything extravagant, so far they had rented a pavilion at the same park all of this started at and were going to have a large adjoining white tent. So far she had an idea for setting up a hot chocolate bar, taking a small chalkboard and putting a picture frame around it for the sign. It would be cheap to make and look nice and to add white Christmas lights on the volleyball net nearby. Under the pavilion and inside the tent she thought about doing the same for lighting, but also adding some battery operated candles inside some small brown paper bags with cute patterns cut in them like lanterns. The thought of all of that made her smile at the simplicity of it as she started to work one the apartment. She actually had less to do than usual with Bailey doing chores, another nice change of pace. Bailey wanted to be treated as her daughter and she mostly responded well to doing what she was told. Though when Amanda looked in Bailey’s room she did find something her darling daughter had been neglecting. She had done a few loads of laundry, but none of them were with her clothes judging by the overflowing hamper. Well if Bailey was playing the part she would too, Amanda thought as she picked up the hamper and brought it into her own bathroom. Putting it down in an unused corner she thought about Bailey going to her closet or drawer looking for something to wear and noticing that she had less and less to wear everyday. She would of course give the clothes back, but after Bailey asked for them and promised to keep up with her chores. This seemed like a much better solution than spanking.

Rushing out of the bedroom when she heard her ringtone go off she just missed the call from Derrick. Seeing his name instantly brought a smile to her face and she called him back.

“Hey good morning beautiful.” She could hear the smile on his face and it only brightened her own. “How do you know how I look today, I could look a mess like yesterday.” It was always fun for her to have a little banter with him, something Bailey often took negatively like she was second guessing him, but he too always made sure she knew how he felt in his own way. “Yesterday you were beautiful, you always are. Like a star, constant in the light you give to others.” She put a hand to her cheek feeling it warm up as the blush came to it. “I did not! I did not even put on any makeup yesterday.” Derrick didn’t say anything for a second, like he was unsure of himself. “You had on eyeliner, I don’t think I was imagining that, but that doesn’t matter. You Miss Best are beautiful, I can prove it to you.” Amanda looked over to the roses she brought home from the office and smelled them, loving the scent and the thought that brought them to her. “Oh that, I always have eyeliner that is tattooed on. Now how are you going to prove someone’s beauty?” She heard his hearty laugh at her question. “That is simple, take a picture of yourself and send it to me and I will tell you if you are beautiful or not.” Amanda giggled a little at his ridiculousness. “How is that going to prove anything? You are just going to say I’m beautiful no matter what.” The smile had yet to fade from her face as she gazed on the red petals of the flowers and listened to him. “Well it would give me another picture of you, something I will always want more of and you will get to hear me tell you exactly what you need to hear, that you Mandy are one of the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on and even with all that beauty it doesn’t compare to how beautiful you are on the inside.”

The blush only intensified as she bit her bottom lip. “Maybe… I will send you a photo. You coming over today?” She could hear someone else talking nearby and figured it was his daughter. “Afraid I can’t today, I am spending time with Candace.” Her smile faded just a little, it was wonderful he made time for her and she would be fine on her own till tonight when she picked her own daughter up. “But.. the elbow that hit me in the side is indicating I should hand the phone over to the blonde girl who is making grabbing hands.” Amanda could hear some shuffling as the phone was handed over. “What Daddy was trying to say is he can’t come over today, but HE would love it if you came to spend the afternoon with both of us, though he had an odd demand that we get to braid each other's hair. He is an odd man, but I for one think you should consider it.” Amanda gave a full throated laugh that felt wonderful to get out. “Tell him I would love too and I would of course give in to his power trip with giving demands this time.” The girl was obviously happy with the noise she made before the phone was taken back from her. “Tell your father I’m looking forward to seeing him and that smile of his, see you soon.” She said knowing he already had the phone in hand before she hung up and moving to her bedroom to change into something she would rather be seen in.