Follow Michael Day

Not one to be deterred, you follow Michael Day at a safe distance. Perhaps you will get another opportunity to make a good impression.

He enters a sound stage and starts barking orders while you drop back inconspicuously into a corner.

The whole stage is bright green. You quickly spot Alison Brie. She’s wearing a skin-tight black rubber cat-suit — standard issue in Hollywood for female superheroes and secret agents. She’s attached to an overhead crane with wires. Facing her is a guy clad head to foot in the same lime green as the stage, with ping-pong balls glued all over his body.

Alison looks awesome in that black cat-suit. It clings to every curve of her body, accentuating all her curves. But her expression is one of exasperation.

“Michael, I can’t move in this fucking thing!” she shouts.

The famous director ignores her while the crew prepare for the shot. Finally he yells “Action!”

Alison runs stiffly at her opponent and attempts a flying kick. But it’s clear she can hardly bend her knees and elbows. The wire-fu guys hoist her into the air and smash her sideways against the ping-pong guy, who falls on his back, flattening half his balls.

Alison dangles from the wire, barely able to move her stiff arms and legs. Spinning uncontrollably, she looks like the world’s most awesome inflatable sex doll caught in a tornado.

Michael Day goes ballistic and tears at his hair. “Fucking incompetents the lot of you! Where the fuck is wardrobe?” Meanwhile Alison begs to be lowered down, but no-one is listening because they are all trying to hide from the enraged director.

You emerge from the shadows and tap Michael Day on the shoulder. When he recognises you he becomes so apoplectic with rage that for a brief moment he can’t speak.

“You know, this fight could easily be moved to just after the shower scene,” you offer. “Then she could be wearing a towel instead.”

Day stares at you for an excruciatingly long moment; his fists clenched and body vibrating. Then he suddenly relaxes and grins. “No panties! Awesome idea! What was your name again?”

“John.”

“Fucking awesome idea, John!” he enthuses, slapping you on the back. “Get wardrobe in here now!” he shouts to a gopher, who quickly scurries off.

An hour later you are sitting next to your new best-buddy Michael while Alison Brie kicks the crap out of ping-pong guy while wearing only a short white towel. Take after take needs to be scrapped due to Alison’s ass and pussy making inappropriate cameos, but the director is strangely unperturbed by this.

“Check this out,” he says, passing you a 3-D headset rig. You put it on and are treated to a magnificent shot of Alison’s quivering buttocks and clean-shaven snatch, rendered in glorious 48 FPS 3-D.

“The fucking out-takes are the best thing about this movie,” he grins.

After finally calling a wrap on the day’s shooting, Michael Day pulls you aside. “Great job today, John. Now see what you can do with scene 35. No-one would give us a live dolphin.”

Eager to embrace the career opportunity, you forget about Alison and spend the night making script revisions. Knowing the director’s predilections, you solve the problem by adding yet another sex scene. The only problem is that you don’t know how Alison feels about snakes. You consider checking that she’s okay with the changes before giving the revised script back to Michael Day.