F*ck Cancer

I left the doctor's office. I had a plan of attack...chemo for the next four to six months. My hair would fall out, I would lose weight, and I'd be nauseous and have headaches but in the end, if treatment was successful, I'd live.

I scheduled a meeting with Ro and my sister Silvia at 5:00 pm. We met at a coffee house. We sat in the back corner of the shop. I expressed my concerns about Warren. Silvia was at a loss. Ro defended him, "Why would you think he'd do that to you Jackie?" she asked.

"Because I know. I can sense something is off with him and it has been. And that phone call last night just proves it."

She sucked her teeth, "The man told you it was one of his troops."

"His troop my ass. It was on the tip of his tongue; he was about to confess but he changed his mind."

She shook her head, "You and all this supernatural stuff, chakras and worshiping ancestors—"

"I don't worship my ancestors. I honor them. There's a difference."

"Jackie is right—"

"Of course, you'd say that," rebutted Ro.

"I'm just saying, Jackie, is usually right about her gut feelings."

Ro took a deep breath, "Um, so who do you suppose he's fucking?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe one of his troops, which would be fucked up because it would cost him his career."

"Jackie doesn't need this emotional stress right now. She going to need a support system."

Ro's face morphed into a question mark, "What is she talking about? She acts like you're about to die or something."

It was quiet. I could see the expression on her face morph into turmoil when she noticed we weren't laughing or smiling, "Jackie?" her voice trembled.

"I found out that I have breast cancer."

"That's crazy. What?"

I nodded, "I start treatment in two days."

Her eyes welled with tears, "No. No. No."

"I'll be okay. I just need my two sisters to be there for me as I go through this."

"Does Warren know?"

I shook my head, "Don't tell him. I'm going to go stay with my sister for a little while."

"Jackie? You can't—"

"I can. He made his decision. Let him focus on fucking his side piece. Maybe he shouldn't know. I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to stay with me out of pity."

She couldn't stop crying. I got up and hugged her, "You stop all this crying. I'm not going to die. I'm going to beat this. Okay."

She sniffled as her tears stopped, "Okay. Okay. I just feel so terrible."

"Don't. I'll be okay."

*****

I left the house. No explanation. I just left. He called my phone but I blocked him. I needed time to focus on my health, not his lies and bullshit. After my first treatment, I returned to my sister's home. I was nauseous and weak; I didn't have an appetite. All I wanted to do was rest.

There was a loud banging at the front door. I knew it was him. I heard his voice speaking over my sister's voice demanding to see me. He called my name and found me in one of the bedrooms as I lay recouping from the procedure, "Jackie, what the hell is going on?" he asked with concern as he came to the side of the bed.

My sister walked into the room, "Sorry Jackie."

I nodded. She left us alone. He stared at me, "What happened? I went to your office today, and they said you were on leave for the rest of the week."

"I just had chemo," I replied shakily.

It looked like someone had punched the wind right out of him. He shook his head, "Chemo? Wait."

"I have breast cancer."

He walked over and touched my hand, "Breast cancer?"

I pulled my hand from him, "Yes. I'll be okay though. Don't worry."

"What do you mean? You're my wife. I am worried."

"I know that our relationship has been hard on you. This is not what you signed up for. I'm releasing you."

Tears streamed down his face, "Jackie, I fucked up," he nodded repeatedly, "I fucked up but I swear to you I don't love that person. I love you. I love you."

I heard a throat clear. We looked and saw Ro holding a plant as she stood by the door, "I brought something to cheer you up. I know how you like plants," she said as she walked over and kissed me. She placed the plant on the nightstand, "I see you're here," she said to Warren.

"She's my wife, of course, I'm here."

She scoffed, "She might not be for long."

"Do you mind?" he snapped at her.

"Fine, I was just checking on my girl." We watched as she left. He turned and looked back at me, "It didn't mean anything."

I hated it when people would say "it didn't mean anything." What the fuck is that supposed to do for the person you're confessing it to? "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I asked with an attitude.

He shook his head, "No. it was just—"

"I know. You just knew that I had fucked Kelly so you used that as an excuse to let your dick roam. I get it."

"We can get through this. Your mom and dad are a testament to that. All we have to do is—"

I shook my head, "No."

"Come on Jackie, please. I swear to you I'm team—"

"Fuck Team us. I'm on team Jackie right now. I can't manage your bullshit while I'm fighting for my fucking life Warren. I just can't accommodate you right now. Please just leave."

"I'm not giving up on us. I'm not," he said as he left the bedroom.

My sister came and sat with me. "It's going to be okay," she said as he strummed the top of my head.

*********

Once my mother got wind that Warren and I split up and that I had cancer, she arrived on the scene. It wasn't easy for her to show up at Silvia's house and ask to see me. It **** her to acknowledge my sister. Of course, she forbade my father to come.

I was doing better after a week. I wasn't one hundred percent but I was mobile. It was hard telling my mind that my body that it needed to move slower. I wasn't quite where I wanted to be physically. I was used to moving swiftly with ease.

My mother sat on the sofa. My sister left us in the living room to talk. She sighed as she eyed me. I could feel it coming, the sermon. Her mouth opened, "You've always been such a dramatic child."

"I'm sorry about getting cancer and making your life so miserable."

She sucked her teeth, "Not that. You're my only child, you don't think this bothers me? That it hurts."

I remained silent. I knew it couldn't have been easy seeing me weak when she raised me to be so strong. "Why not go home? Work on things—"

"No. I'm not just running back to him. If I do, he'll end up having three kids on me with another woman."

Her jaws clenched. I could tell she wanted to slap the shit out of me. I repented immediately. "I'm sorry. I just can't. He needs to understand that what he did was unacceptable. He will not have me looking like a fool."

"I'm not as soft as you think I am. I put my foot down with your father. I stayed for you. I wanted you to have your father."

I hugged her, "Come on mom, let's not do this. I love you. And I don't think you're weak. You're the strongest woman I know. You had to be to put up with my dad's stuff. I appreciate what you did for me but I would not have faulted you if you would have left him to secure your peace and sanity."

She nodded and then her hands touched my face, "I love your dad. I always have. Sometimes the people we love do things and we just have to look to God—"

I was already moving my head left and right, "No, I can't. I can't listen to some biblical reasoning as to why I the woman have to suffer long and be forgiving and obedient to a man that shit on our relationship. Those same men that preach those sermons go out and fuck around on their wives but I promise you if their wives stepped out on them, they'd sing a different tune."

She nodded, "I just know how much you two love each other. I don't want you to feel like you have to let a good man go for a mistake just because you're trying to prove a point."

That stung a little. I was trying to prove a point. That no man will fuck over me and just roll back into my life. I would not be that woman. If I forgave him, it would be on my terms...not his.

After she left. My sister and I spoke for a long time. She asked me to think about what I wanted. I did want my marriage but I didn't want it at the expense of my mental health.

********

One month went by and I had more treatments. My hair was starting to shed. All those luscious strands of hair falling out in clumps. I couldn't deal. I had my sister shave it off. I wore fade when I was at home and when I was out, I either wore a wig or a head wrap.

I have to admit. It was hard seeing myself without hair. I had always had long pretty hair. I loved doing my hair and it was just gone. GONE!

As I sat at my desk working on the schedule, I was called into my supervisor's office, "Have a seat, SSgt Wilson," he said as he looked at a folder sitting on his desk, "so how're things?"

I chuckled, "Um, yeah."

"I was contacted by the med group with your information."

"Seriously, they want to med-board me?"

He sighed, "Don't get ahead of yourself. I won't let them take away my best troop that easy. The treatment is progressing well?"

"Yeah, yes. I'm doing well," I said as I sat uneasily, "I'll know more at the end of it."

"And what about other things?'

"Other things?"

"People talk. I mean I don't know all the details but I assumed when Warren showed up here wondering where you were that things between you two couldn't be going well."

A single head nod with my lips stuck out, "I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it all out." And I was. Warren had been sending me flowers every day, sending me food, sending me inspirational quotes, and calling my sister nonstop asking her to plead on his behalf.

Honestly, it was adorable but it also got exhausting. I could never understand why people who fucked up always wanted instant forgiveness, like no bih, you gone suffer in the hell you created. I was on some petty shit but I felt I was within my right to be petty as fuck.

"All right then Wilson, I'll let you get back to work."

I stood, "Thanks, sir."

******

The workday was over. I was glad. My head hurt from wearing that tight-ass wig. No offense to women who opted to wear wigs but I wasn't having a good time wearing them. Then there was the constant fear that it would slip off my head.

I don't know why I was tripping so hard. I didn't look bad with the short haircut but wasn't used to not having my hair. As soon as I got to my sister's house, the wig came off and I donned a scarf. I got dressed in some shorts and a t-shirt. My cell phone sounded. I saw the strange number and smiled as I answered, "Hola hermano!" I said excitedly.

His smile was big, "Hermanita, how are you?" Diego asked.

"I'm doing. You know."

"Check this out," he said as he showed me his shirt which read, "Fuck Cancer!"

"Damn right, fuck cancer!"

"I can't wait to come home. I miss y'all."

"We kind of miss you too," I joked.

He sighed, "I heard you're over at your sister's place. Things rough between you and Warren?"

"Yeah. He admitted to cheating. Have you ever seen him be a little overly friendly with anyone at work?"

He shook his head, "Naw. Warren is usually pretty chill. I'm surprised that he even did that."

"He was convinced that I did something while I was deployed with my ex-boyfriend," I said as my voice cracked, "you said something before you left about Ro."

He nodded, "Shit was crazy. She cheated on me about a year after Diego was born. I was on deployment. I came home early and found them. It wasn't easy. I almost killed that hijo de puta."

"How did you get past it?"

"Shit. It wasn't easy. Sometimes I still think about it. But I realized that I loved her and my son too much to leave. She asked for a second chance and I gave it to her. So far, she's proved herself. Look, a blind man can see that Warren loves you. He fucked up."

I sighed.

"Keep your head up. I'll be back in six weeks. You should have that rank on by then. Drinks on me."

I smiled, "Okay hermano, talk to you later."

I took a deep breath. There was so much to be grateful for despite my pain. Could I forgive him? My heart pounded in my chest. I missed him. But every time I thought about taking him back, all I could think about was, what if he does it again?

I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to judge his every action and continue to punish him for a thing that happened. I needed to figure out how to work that out in my head before I made a decision.

*****

It was the last day of March. Things had gotten crazy. I had to be careful. I couldn't afford to get sick while I was undergoing treatments. My body was already trying to fight cancer another illness would set me back or mean my demise.

I stayed masked up. I avoided people and people who were around a lot of other people which meant, I decided to go home. My sister worked at a hospital around a lot of people and I just couldn't afford the risk.

I was in the downstairs guest bedroom. I thought about the month ahead. April was near. It was time for me to rank up. I had not done my uniforms. "Fuck!" I said to myself as I left the bedroom and marched upstairs to the main bedroom.

I went into the closet. I didn't see my uniforms, "I know he didn't throw my stuff away," I said angrily.

I had some uniforms at my sister's house but my main set, the new set that needed stripes and patches sewn on was in the closet. However, at the moment, they were missing in action.

I stepped out of the closet. I saw Warren standing by the bed. He looked sharp in his uniform. I saw the long clear plastic bag with clothes lying on the bed, "I got your uniforms done for you. I hope you don't mind."

I almost cried as I stood by the closet door but I refrained, "Thank you."

He walked over to me, "How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"When is your next appointment?" he asked sweetly.

"Oh, It's next week. I already got my mom coming."

"I'm here Jackie and I'm still your husband."

"I don't want you to see me like...like how I am after the treatment." I shook my head as I thought about the vomiting and how I could barely move.

"Let me be there for you."

A tear formed in my eye. He reached for me. It felt good in his arms. I cried, "I love but I just don't know if I can trust you with my heart again."

"Baby, I swear. I'll live every day showing you that that was the worst mistake of my life. I want us."

I removed the wig. I tossed it on the bed. He looked at me. Tears rolled down his cheeks, "This is what you're dealing with," I said as I removed my clothes. I was noticeably thinner, "this is me."

He nodded and stepped closer. His hand cupped the back of my head as he kissed me, "I still love you."

He lifted me in his arms and carried me to the left side of the bed. I was lying there with my feet on his shoulders as he feasted. It had been two months without feeling him. As I rubbed the top of his head, I moaned sweetly. Lick, slurp, suck. "Ahhhhh," I moaned as my right leg tensed up, "shit," I said as he fingered my pussy until it squished and all my juices drizzled on his lips.

He stepped back. I watched as he unbuttoned his top, it fell to the floor. Then his t-shirt came off. I smiled when his pants dropped and all that beautiful dick bounced waiting to drill my wet center.

He stepped closer, pulled my legs, and penetrated slowly watching as each inch disappeared inside me. I rubbed his toned chest. Back and forth he stroked so smoothly. I was already climaxing and clawing at his back.

He lifted. I was lighter than before. He bounced me with ease. We continued until he finished. Our mouths touched, "I love you, Jackie," he confessed almost out of breath.

"I love you too."