Exploration of Self - Part One

“Ah, finally done!” I announced and stretched, “Thank you for studying with me, Suki-chan.”

Kaneko closed her notebook and smiled at me, “I’m done too.”

“Well, let’s start heading home, shall we?” I stood up and began packing things away into my backpack.

“Um,” Kaneko began as she did the same, “thank you for letting me join you this time, Haru-kun.”

“Of course,” I replied, “and I’m really sorry for not inviting you yesterday, it was just a little sudden. From now on you’re more than welcome to join me.”

She nodded and looked happy.

We took each other by the hand and left the library. Feeling her hand in mine was becoming increasingly familiar. It was almost to the point that if we were walking somewhere and not hand-in-hand, it felt wrong. We still got stares and gossip as we passed people in the halls, but I was beginning to feel strangely proud of the attention.

And it was always the same hand, too, my left, her right. I had grown used to seeing her on the left side of my peripheral vision. She never stood on my right, always going out of her way to make sure if I ever looked over at her, it would be the right side of her face I’d see.

I couldn’t really help it, I was growing more and more curious about why she was so adamant about hiding her left side, but I also didn’t want to frighten her by bringing it up. I remembered how absolutely mortified she had been when I first asked to see her face in the hospital, and she still sometimes covered her whole face with her hair when I wasn’t around.

“Hey, Haru-kun—” she began when we got to the lockers at the entrance to the school and swapped out our shoes. But she got interrupted.

“Good evening, Sato-san,” it was Sasaki.

“Sasaki-san, what are you doing here this late?” I asked but made a mental effort not to forget that Kaneko had wanted to say something.

“Classroom cleanup duty,” Sasaki shrugged.

“Ah, so I see even the school’s great prince has to lower himself to doing the menial chores of the deplorable masses,” I teased. In truth, however, I wondered in the back of my mind if he was assigned by Yamazaki-sensei to make sure I was safe, given what happened earlier.

Sasaki laughed in his extremely charming way, “Indeed, even I’m not immune from doing my part. Ah, forgive me,” he said, directing his attention to Kaneko and bowing deeply, “I am Rei Sasaki, third year class 3-A. It’s an honor to meet you.”

“U-um,” Kaneko was extremely flustered, she clearly recognized Sasaki and was immediately smitten. I wasn’t terribly jealous; frankly, I was beginning to think Sasaki had smitten me and I wasn’t even into guys. Kaneko bowed as well, “Saki Kaneko, third year class 2-B. The honor is mine, Sasaki-sama—I mean, Sasaki-san.”

Sasaki smiled warmly, “Kaneko? You must be Sato-san’s girlfriend, then. He talks a lot about you, he’s head over heels. Honestly, I can see why, you’re a lucky guy Sato-san.”

Kaneko was beet red and squeezing my hand tightly.

“I really am, aren’t I?” I agreed, grinning.

“H-how do you two know each other?” Kaneko asked.

“I ran into him the other day on the way home,” I said, being as vague as possible. “At first I was worried he was just going to be a pompous jerk, given his reputation around the school, but he’s a really nice guy and a good friend.”

“That’s kind of you to say,” Sasaki smiled. “Well, I should probably be heading out now, it was wonderful to meet you Kaneko-san. If you ever need anything just let me know, any friend of Sato-san is a friend of mine.”

“Th-thank you!” Kaneko exclaimed, bowing again before Sasaki walked away. We left not long after.

We had walked in complete silence for at least a minute before Kaneko spoke, “Y-you are friends with Sasaki-sama?”

I chuckled, “I know right, I don’t seem like the type to roll with him.”

“Ishibumi-san hates him, doesn’t he?”

“With a burning passion,” I confirmed, “he’s just jealous of how popular Sasaki-san is with girls, though.”

“He was so nice, I’ve always been afraid of him…” Kaneko said, “and he was so pretty, I thought he might have been a girl at first.”

I tried to imagine Sasaki’s head on a girl’s body and actually had to agree with Kaneko on this one. He definitely would make a cute girl, and his face wouldn’t have to change at all.

“Huh, you know, I’d never noticed before but you’re absolutely right. He’d be really good at crossdressing, I think.”

Kaneko nodded enthusiastically.

“By the way, it seemed like you wanted to ask me something before he showed up.”

“Oh, um, yes,” she nodded again, “do you have any plans for the weekend?”

Oh, that’s right, tomorrow was Saturday, I’d nearly forgotten. Our school was part of the recently increasing trend of Japanese high schools that didn’t require students to attend on Saturdays. The only people who went to school on the weekend were people who had clubs that met there. I idly wondered if the Spirit Society met on weekends at all but figured they would have brought it up with me today if they did.

“No, actually, I should be free. How about you?”

She nodded her head. “Me too.”

“Well, you’re welcome to come over to my place. Unless you’d rather I go over to yours this time.”

She shook her head very emphatically. “No! I mean… um… I haven’t told my mom about you yet…”

“Oh, then scratch that idea. Let’s hang out at my place tomorrow. And if you come bright and early, you can meet my dad. Don’t worry, he’s a total pushover and is just happy I’m not single anymore.”

“O-okay.”

“I’m serious, not five minutes after telling him about you, he was already talking about grandkids.”

Kaneko blushed intensely at this and gripped my hand. We both went home smiling and happy. I was actually excited; it was kind of like a date. No, it actually was a date, wasn’t it? Our first date. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow.

My weekend began as it often did, with a yawn. But that’s where the similarities with weekends past ended.

“Are you awake?” A small but adorable voice asked from the floor beside my bed.

My eyes shot open, I recognized that voice right away. I sat bolt upright, looking down and to my right to find a familiar head of jet-black hair leaning over a manga volume.

“Suki-chan?” I asked, groggily.

She turned to look at me and smiled warmly, “Good morning.” Once again, I couldn’t help but notice she positioned herself specifically so that I was on her right side.

“How long have you been here?” I asked in a slight panic, tossing my sheets and blanket aside, “I’m so sorry, I told you to come early and then I slept right through it.” I glanced at the clock and confirmed that I had slept in quite a bit more than usual.

“It’s okay, I haven’t been here too long. Your dad was very nice. He left already.”

Wow, my dad really did like Kaneko if he trusted her to be alone in the apartment while I was sleeping.

“I didn’t want to wake you because you looked like you needed it.”

I stretched. She may have been right about that. I was so excited for today I actually struggled to get to sleep last night. My eyes drifted to the manga she was reading, and I immediately felt a little embarrassed.

Demon Kanojo, a notoriously and, in some circles, infamously horny ecchi harem series. It was shameless fanservice cleverly disguising itself as a romantic comedy and battle manga. Ishibumi had been the one to introduce the series to me, it was one of his favorites.

“Ah, uh, sorry about that,” I said, scratching my head bashfully.

“About what?” she asked and looked at me.

“That manga, it’s kind of a guilty pleasure of mine.” I certainly wouldn’t be able to deny that I enjoyed it, I had all seventeen volumes of the manga and was eagerly awaiting the eighteenth coming out next month. I even had a limited edition hard-cover version of the first volume, still in its shrink-wrap. Ishibumi wasn’t the only diehard fan.

“I like it,” she said. I could hardly contain my surprise.

“W-what? You do? I mean, it’s uh, it’s kinda, you know, isn’t it?” To say that there were boobs on every other page of that manga wouldn’t be too much of an exaggeration. It was basically shameless smut.

Kaneko shrugged in response, “It’s really funny, and all the girls are so pretty.” It was at that point that I noticed that she had already begun the third volume. She wasn’t blowing smoke, if she was already three volumes deep then she was well and truly hooked. If she wasn’t, she would have put it away and gotten something else after the first volume. It was only in that moment I began to wonder if the reason Kaneko was okay with me being a pervert was because she was too.

I was also happy to notice she was holding the pages open very carefully and gently to make sure she didn’t bend the spine. A stark contrast from my friend Honda, whom I had to ban from borrowing my manga because of his tendency to do just that.

“I have to admit, I’m surprised you like it. I’ll let you borrow them if you want.”

“Really?” she looked up at me wonderingly.

“Yeah, sure. I even have the anime on bluray. Once you get through the manga let’s watch it together. You might have noticed my dad has that big TV, it’s great for anime.” I almost said it was great for the boobs because that was how I’d introduced the concept to Ishibumi and Honda, but caught myself at the last second.

She nodded, “Okay, sounds fun.”

Suddenly, the sound of a dying cat filled the room. It was my stomach. Kaneko giggled cutely. That was my cue to go and get breakfast ready. I asked if Kaneko had eaten yet and she hadn’t, so I made breakfast for two. It turned out that while meat always made her stomach hurt, eggs did not. With that in mind, I made us both omelet rice because that’s what I was in the mood for.

It was the first time I saw her eat my cooking while it was still hot, so the absolute delighted look she gave me as she ravenously demolished the meal was a very welcome sight. She’d said “amazing” and “delicious” at least three times each before she had finished.

“You’re such a good cook Haru-kun!” she said, excitedly.

“Thanks,” I said, taking the compliment embarrassedly. It wasn’t a very manly talent for a guy to have, but I’d never been the type to put much stock in gender roles anyway. At the moment, the most important thing to me was that Kaneko enjoyed my cooking, which made the effort I’d put into the craft more than worth it.

This side of her that she was showing me today was surprisingly typical of an average high school girl. It was a side of her I had never seen before, and I was very honored that I got to see. She must have been in a good mood, or perhaps she was just getting more comfortable around me. Either way, it was adorable.

As a side note, she was looking very cute today. She had a pink long-sleeved shirt with a daring deep v in the front, letting me see a decent amount of cleavage. Beneath that was a tan pleated skirt and black leggings. Either she was just more comfortable showing off cleavage than I thought she was, or she was wearing shirts like this especially for me. In any case, I was happy, and I wasn’t confident I’d be able to say which option I liked more.

“I haven’t eaten that much in a long time… thank you so much, Haru-kun,” she smiled brightly at me.

Oof, direct hit to my dokidoki. Such a cute look combined with her sincere gratitude was like a deadly one-two-punch. If my heart was still deformed, this moment would have killed me again.

“D-don’t mention it. It’s worth it getting to see you so happy,” I smiled at her.

After breakfast, we both collapsed onto the couch, huddled into different corners. She had the third volume of Demon Kanojo and I had another manga. To an outsider, the sight of two people just sitting there and reading silently in the same room, occasionally chuckling and giggling at its contents, might have looked strange. Especially since this was technically a date. However, it was very cozy, and she looked like she was enjoying herself. I knew I was, just being near her was enough for me.

After a few minutes, I stopped looking at my manga and started just absent-mindedly staring at Kaneko. Nobody could have been cuter to me right now, wouldn’t even hold a candle.

And yet…

Proof of how comfortable she was right now was evident in the fact that she was finally sitting in a position to my right, so when I looked over to her, it was the hair-covered left side of her face I saw. My eyes kept being drawn to it. I couldn’t help but remember my nightmare, seeing the pitch-black substance and the cold-dead light in place of an eye.

She noticed me staring, “Everything okay, Haru-kun?”

“Ah, yeah,” I said, a bit nervously, peering back down into my book.

I really wanted to ask her about it, but I also didn’t want to pressure her. It was clear that whatever she was hiding was something very traumatic. After a moment of thought, I came up with what I thought was a good compromise.

“So, uh, I just want to let you know something,” I began, nervously.

She looked at me curiously. Perhaps sensing the serious turn that the conversation was about to take, she closed her manga.

“I noticed that you’ve been trying really hard to hide the left side of your face from me.”

Her eye widened, apparently, she hadn’t expected that I’d notice.

“If I were Oda, you probably could have gotten away with it, but I’m a little more observant than him. We don’t have to talk about it yet, or even anytime soon, if you’re not comfortable. I’m just putting it out in the open. I just want you to know that I’ve noticed and that I’m available to talk about it whenever you’re comfortable.” I hoped that was neutral enough, I really didn’t want to pressure her or anything.

“Th… thank you for understanding,” she said quietly.

We then continued to read manga for about another half an hour, but she looked noticeably more distracted than before. I was just beginning to feel like I had just fucked up big time when she broke the silence, “I’ll do it. I’ll show you…”

I looked at her, “I’m serious, you know. We really don’t have to do this until you’re comfortable. Please don’t feel pressured.”

She shook her head, “You deserve to know… just… promise me something?”

I nodded without hesitation, “Anything.”

“P-promise you won’t… won’t go away if I show you. Like you did in my nightmare…”

“I promise I won’t leave you.” Also, fuck you, nightmare me.

“Okay,” she nodded, “can… can you please turn around?”

That was reasonable enough. I stood up and turned away from her, looking into my kitchen instead, “Just let me know when you’re ready. And it’s still not too late to call it off, if you don’t feel comfortable just let me know, okay?” If it wasn’t obvious before, it was painfully obvious now that she had some serious phobia about the way she looked, and I really didn’t want to traumatize her. I would be devastated if she broke down and started to cry and it was all my fault.

My mind immediately went to the rooftop. Seeing her cry in slow-motion as she tried desperately to resuscitate me. It was painful to watch even back then when we hadn’t officially started dating yet. And even just remembering it now made my chest feel tight.

I heard the rustling of clothes behind me. That was odd, why would she have to change her outfit? I decided not to think about it too much.

I had to do some mental inventory to make sure I wasn’t a liar, at least to myself. I tried to come up with a number of things it could possibly be and think about whether or not it would truly make me question my relationship with her. I would be dishonest if I said there was absolutely nothing. But frankly, when the only two things I could think of that would give me pause were “literally the phantom that crawled out of her” or “Honda in disguise”, I was pretty confident my bases were covered. Honestly the latter would have just confused me, and if she really was Honda, I didn’t think he would actually be upset if I turned him down.

“Um,” Kaneko vocalized from behind me. I was glad she did, because I was on the verge of imagining Honda in her current outfit, and that wasn’t something I needed in my head.

“Ready?” I asked.

She was silent a moment; I could hear her taking shuddering breaths. After a few seconds she said, “No.”

“Take your time, Suki-chan. There’s no rush.”

A few more minutes went by, I was a patient guy, I’d wait all day if she wanted me to. I was one of those people who could just get lost in his own imagination if I had to.

“O-okay. I think I’m ready,” she announced.

I nodded, “So, I made a promise to you, and I will honor it no matter what. But I think it’s only fair if you promise me something in return. Is that reasonable?”

“Um, okay.”

“Promise me that when I turn around, you’ll pay attention to my eyes, okay? I know you’re going to be tempted not to look, so you don’t have to see my reaction, but I want you to see it clearly. The unknown will torment you, I know it, and it will put a strain on our relationship if you can never trust what that initial reaction was like. So, will you promise me that?”

She hesitated, but then spoke with some degree of resolve, “Yes. You’re right.”

“Okay. I’m turning around now.” I did as I said, turning in place but with my eyes closed initially. I wanted to open my eyes and then look at her fresh. Even I was nervous right now, my heart was pounding. And if I was this nervous, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how she felt.

When I lifted my lids, I couldn’t deny that my first reaction was shock, for three reasons. Firstly, she had her hair tied completely back into a tight ponytail, not a single stray hair was covering her face, and I thought she looked very cute with her hair like that. Secondly, the rustle of clothing earlier was apparently her rearranging her outfit so that her shirt’s top was slipping off her left shoulder exposing her bare, milky white breast topped with a cute, perky pink nipple. But the third reason I was shocked was likely the reason she was so nervous to begin with. I understood completely now why she had been so nervous, and part of me felt like kind of a complete jackass for even trying to nudge her into showing me.

Circling around the side and bottom of her breast, snaking up along her shoulder, dragging up her left cheek and wrapping around the bottom and left side of her left eye were a number of miscolored and rugged scars. They were like little raw reddish islands along a pale white sea, the smallest of them being about the size of a fingertip, while the largest—directly above her breast beneath her collarbone—was about the size of the palm of my hand.

She was sitting down on the couch and shaking with absolute terror, but to her credit, she was making perfect eye contact with me, watching exactly what my eyes were doing.

“Suki-chan,” I said weakly, and felt myself tearing up a little. No wonder she was nervous. No wonder she was afraid I might run away from her. No wonder she had image issues. She was a teenage girl who had to deal with having something like this. Here I went making her bare it all and for what? To satisfy my curiosity? I felt disgusted with myself. I was a safe space for her and basically just told her to tear it down.

Maybe that wasn’t very fair to me, but more importantly, that wasn’t the point. This wasn’t about me; this was about her. I needed to make sure she knew, first and foremost, that this changed absolutely nothing about how I felt about her. But would she believe me if I just told her? Wouldn’t she think I was just saying that so I wouldn’t upset her? Would it be enough?

Perhaps it wasn’t the right decision to make, but it was the only thing my confused and overwhelmed brain could make. I leaned forward and immediately kissed her cheek. Specifically, I kissed the sizeable scar on it.

She froze completely, ceasing her shivering. I realized I needed to say something, anything. I needed to apologize for my actions.

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me Suki-chan. I shouldn’t have done that; I shouldn’t have made you show that to me before you were ready.” Then I kissed her lips with as much love and passion as I could manage.

“No, I…” she began when we parted, “… but you’re really…?”

I didn’t let her finish and kissed her again. “I feel so lucky, honestly. My girlfriend is the bravest girl around. You didn’t have to take the risk and show me that, but you did. Hell, even while tormented about the way you look, you still worked up the courage to ask out your crush. I’ve never confessed to any of my crushes before. Compared to you, I’m a coward. And after making you do this; I frankly don’t feel like I deserve you.”

She put her hands on my shoulders, “No!”

The forcefulness of the gesture, especially coming from Kaneko, knocked me off my guard.

“No, Haru-kun! You’re wonderful! You accepted me even though you barely knew me. You stood up for me when your friend called me ‘Sadako-chan’. You gave me your phone number and let me text you whenever I want, even during class. You made me a lunch that was delicious, and I can eat it without hurting myself. You even try to make sure your friends get along with me. And you don’t ever ask for anything in return. You don’t even ask me to be grateful or make me feel like I owe you for it. If you don’t deserve me then I don’t want anyone to deserve me!” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she laid her soul bare to me. “You deserve more than me! I’m hideous! I’m a monster!”

(I KILLED YOU)

“No!” It was my turn to object, trying desperately to banish the image of my dream that what she said conjured in my mind. “You’re beautiful, Suki-chan. And I love you.”

Silence fell between us. When I looked back on this moment later, I would have no idea exactly what came over me then. It was a strange feeling, perhaps a result of the tense atmosphere or the rush of hormones as a result of everything that was happening. It might have even been as simple as the breast she was exposing to me.

I reached forward and touched the scars under her eye and on her cheek. Then I slowly and gently slid my fingers down her neck and to her shoulder where one such scar looked like it was erupting from under her arm. Then I gently and slowly moved my hand down to her chest. I pressed my fingers into the soft flesh, gently poking at the deformed skin that circled the beautiful shape of her breast.

I looked up at her face to gage her reaction. She was blushing, but of course she was. Her boyfriend was touching her boob, any girl would be. But there was something else there, something in her eyes that told me it was okay. Not only was it okay, but it was also exactly what she needed.

“How did it happen?” I asked.

Her eyes shifted and she was silent for a while. Eventually she spoke, “My childhood home burned down. I was asleep so I didn’t get out fast enough, and a piece of burning debris fell on me.”

Ah, so they were burn scars. That was terrible, I was glad she made it out alive, though.

“My mom used to dote on me a lot but… after the accident she stopped. She won’t even look at me anymore. Whenever we talk now, she’s always looking out the window or looking at something else. She’s subtle about it, but when it happens enough you start to notice.”

“That’s awful,” I said, “you need her now more than ever.”

“I guess I just… I really internalized it. But just now I…” her eyes began to stream with tears; however her face was strangely serene, “I feel like everything might be okay.”

I smiled at her, “It will be, I promise. And I’ll be here to help make sure it stays that way, okay?” I took her hands in mine and squeezed them firmly.

To my boundless surprise and happiness, she smiled back at me. A smile that was brighter than any I’d seen before. I hadn’t been lying to her, she looked beautiful to me right now. The scars just made her a survivor, and if she could find some way to find pride in that fact, she’d be unstoppable.

“By the way,” I added, scratching the back of my head nervously, “your hair is really cute like that.”