Enter Hermaphroditus

No sex in this chapter, but some nudity.

Helena, Montana

The son of Aphrodite was excited for action. A thousand years spent in that Iliad pool gets a bit dull. He thought he’d be bathing by the rocks for all of eternity, with the occasional visit of one of his parents. There never was a need for both of them to visit at one time, so when they did he knew this was something big.

A mission was a mission. It wasn’t the most heroic, no need for Herculean strength. The only reason he was selected was because the plan required his powers, but it was this or another century of idleness by the pool. Easy choice.

With all the excitement though he forgot about the conditions. According to his mother Athena made it very clear he was to choose a girl with brains, and ensure they only procreate with the brainless.

If only Aphrodite informed the goddess of wisdom that Hermaphroditus was besotted with beautiful women. Beautiful women to him were intelligent, those things came hand-in-hand. So Hermaphroditus based his entire search on beauty, the more desirable the girl the more brains they had. It was common sense.

But he did adhere to Athena’s instructions about going for teenage girls. Their youth promised longevity for many more opportunities to make brilliant minds. And Hermaphroditus was stuck as a seventeen year old, so that part of the search came naturally.

Athena never gave a deadline, after all to search the entire planet was going to take some time. Alongside that, Hermaphroditus had not been out in the real world in a thousand years, what kind of Olympian would not get every last second out of this luxury?

Hermaphroditus had already met some incredibly alluring teenage girls. He’d watch them dress, shower, have sex with other humans, admire them bathing on the beach; he couldn’t show himself until he made his selection, he was not ready to select anyone so he was limited to only watching.

But the moment he saw Crystal Miles he knew she was the one...just a shame for Athena that she was the hottest non-intelligent girl at her school.

With blonde hair the colour of sunlight and sand, flowing in twin ponytails. The mismatched scrunchies were more than likely a thoughtless mistake, but they worked. Her eyes as blue as the ocean, maybe her long-dead ancestor was a child of Poseidon. Her skin had a medley of colour, like mixing honey with yoghurt. And dark cute little freckles dotted around the bridge of her impish nose.

Her breasts too were far greater to the average bust of a girl her age. A C-cup at the least. They were also round and bouncy with every stride. Her school shirt threatened to blast open under the strain of her breasts.

She wasn’t purely skin and bone, but she’d probably weigh less than one of Zeus’ mighty hands, Aphrodite herself had more meat on her than this girl. But there seemed to be no protruding ribs, she had smooth and curvaceous hips, and her legs were long and flexible.

But the grand attraction was her heart-shaped bubbly rump, that easily drew the eye of every male she passed, and a female or two here and there.

The middle-aged 200lb bus driver stooped his fat neck, lower than he’d ever managed in his life, to sneak a peak up her skirt. She turned back to the driver and typically mistook his unusual position as a symptom of tiredness. “Goodbye Mr Bus Driver, you should take more naps, did you know lions can nap for like many hours every day?”

He a smile when he really only wanted to smirk. “I’ll bear it mind Miss. Good night.”

Crystal turned and nearly swept a six year old boy on a scooter across the sidewalk with her overstuffed backpack. She was oblivious to the near miss and walked to the front porch of her house.

Hermaphroditus, invisible for the moment, followed her through the house and towards her bedroom. On the way he met Crystals mom, Shelley. “I’m home Mom.”

“I thought I heard your cute little footsteps” Shelley replied hugging Crystal tightly. “How was school?”

“It was good. Other than a few boys acting strange. They told me to spell cup, and then told me they didn’t mind if I watched them pee. Very strange.”

“Ignore those boys, strange boys make poor friends” Shelley patted her bombshell daughter’s cheeks. “Dinner will be ready in two hours, and it’s your favourite.”

“Rhubarb and custard tarts for dinner?!” Crystal clapped excitedly after each word she spoke out loud.

“No sweetie, your favourite dinner food. Chicken Carbonara.”

“Ooo, yummy”

Mother and daughter retreated to the living room for an entertaining evening on Netflix. They were halfway through the season finale of Stranger Things, when Shelley declared she’d start on dinner.

“Can’t I help Mommy?”

“It’s okay Sweetie, you can run them into the dishwasher for me afterwards, okay?”

“But I like to cook” Crystal poured.

“You also like to cut yourself honey” Shelley answered patiently. Be it cleaver, peeler, grater, bread knife, pizza cutter and even forks; Crystal Miles will find a way to maim herself. “Now you sit and watch TV for me, ‘Kay”

“Okay Mommy” Crystal recovers from disappointment very quickly, she could never be accused of being a moody grump.

Shelley walks into the kitchen, and as per the norm when cooking, turns on the radio. With the cover the loud music provided, and the lack of additional witnesses, Hermaphroditus finally revealed himself.

He appeared like a mirage in the seat his mother vacated. “Good evening.”

It wasn’t like Hermaphroditus was a fool, he certainly expected a startled reaction at the very least. He was in close range to reach across and cover her mouth if need be.

Crystal however just blinked a few times, her face blank, then bizarrely went straight back to watching TV. Surprised, confused and a little put out, he tried again. “Ahem, excuse me.”

Crystal looked back at him briefly before registering a problem that only existed in her mind. She saw that she slightly obscured the TV from his view with her body. “I’m sorry, am I in your way” Crystal simultaneously leant back into the sofa where she sat.

Hermaphroditus gaped like a fish but composed himself. “Are you accustomed to seeing strangers spontaneously appear in your home?”

Crystal considered his question, taking his rhetorical question seriously. “The paper-boy once snuck in and stole cookies. I sometimes wake up to a pizza delivery guy or a garbage man in the living room, usually they’re without pants as well. Other than that no.”

Hermaphroditus raised an eyebrow. She tried asking him a question in return. “You must be very sad, are you?”

“Me?” Hermaphroditus returned, completely caught off-guard by this girl. If you’re thinking he’s beginning to realise his mistake, that Crystal wasn’t living up to his ‘beautiful woman must be intelligent’ theory, then your dead wrong. She just appeared open-minded and composed to him, which was usually a telling sign of intelligence. “Oh, no no, couldn’t be happier I can’t.”

“Wow” Crystal responded in awe. “You’re a mightily brave person. I’d hate to be trapped somewhere for all eternity with nobody to love me.”

Hermaphroditus blushed at the compliment, also a little embarrassed that she knew of his fate with the Iliad pool. He didn’t know that she’d unintentionally struck the right nerve through the wrong context. “Well...I’m not always alone. My mother and father see me on occasion.”

“Oh you’re a family, that’s so sad. Why did you not find peace?”

“Nobody questions the big man” Hermaphroditus replied with a nervous chuckle. Thank God the lord of the sky was sleeping, else the rather sunny weather conditions may have suddenly got stormy.

She, of course, got the wrong end of the stick again. “God refused you entry into heaven?”

When humans say the ‘big man’ they mean god, but when Greeks hear ‘god’ they think Zeus. The same applies with heaven. It’s like calling the lounge the living room, or the cinema the movie theatre. Just another word for the same thing. All Greeks were unaware that humanity’s version of the ‘big man’ and ‘heaven’ referred to a different belief system altogether.

“I could go any time once I successfully provide an argument entailing why I deserve the honour of my freedom, or if another child of the gods is treasonous he may replace me. Mother made a plea about two centuries ago, and the big man said no.”

“Did the Devil reject you too?”

Again, same meaning different word. Devil equals Kronos. “Evidently so, and by the gods am I glad for that, no way am I being devoured. I’d prefer an isolated fate to that bar none.”

Crystal was bursting with more questions, but this tangent had gone on too far already. “Enough about me, it is you who has been blessed this day. I have chosen you, Crystal Miles, as the mortal heroine who shall eradicate the world from stupidity, and restore wisdom to all of humanity” The son of Aphrodite proclaimed.

Crystal chuckled “you’re silly, but I like you. I think I’ll go see how my mother is doing with dinner.”

Hermaphroditus had a finger pointed up in the air, and his lips frozen open in the midst of an interjection he was too late in delivering. As Crystal left the lounge Hermaphroditus rolled his eyes and disappeared again.

“Mommy, the ghost of a boy wearing a white dress says I’m a heroin. I didn’t know a person could be a .”

“We’ll have no talk of in this house young lady” Shelley sternly admonished, clearly not having heard most of what her daughter told her, except for the heroin part.

“I don’t want to be a Mommy, so I told him no.”

Shelley’s eyes popped open on fear and she swivelled around, wooden spatula held in an aggressive stance. “You didn’t let him in did you?”

Crystal became worried. “He-he was already here Mommy. He appeared right there in the lounge.”

“Goddamn it Crystal! You do not let dealers into the house!” Shelley armed herself with a kitchen knife and darted out the room, Crystal flounced after her in a confused and nervous fashion.

Hermaphroditus snickered and reappeared in the kitchen this time, immediately walking over to the pot of pasta. He noticed the saucepan filled with the carbonara sauce, observing the colour and texture to determine whether it was suitable for his cunning plan. But before he could fully decide one way or the other, the two women re-entered the kitchen. He instantly disappeared again.

“Jesus Christ, don’t scare me like that again Crystal” Shelley relinquished the knife to the wooden block and bent over the counter to recapture her composure.

Crystal looked downtrodden, hands entwined across her front; a nervous twiddle of her digits showed her sorrow. “I’m sorry Mommy, the ghost boy seemed nice to me. He said god rejected him.”

Shelley obviously didn’t believe the ghost part, but she completely believed her daughter could have a imaginary conversation with a boy dealing . Crystals school was the roughest in the entire state, and Crystal had a vivid imagination. “It’s okay honey, I’m not mad. Now, I think dinner’s nearly ready, so wash your hands and prepare the table for me love.”

Crystal set the plate mats down and arranged cutlery for herself and her mom, then patiently waited at the table for her mom to finish cooking.

Shelley finally brought over their food and they began to eat. Crystal started talking about school, the boys she liked, her best friend Kip and more ditsy small talk.

Halfway through dinner Shelley got a call on her mobile and she dismissed herself to answer it in the living room.

Crystal was treating her dinner like a five year old with spaghetti. She dug the fork into the much chunkier but shorter type of pasta and twisted the fork until it was more pasta than stainless steel. As she was about to take a bite she heard groaning somewhere around her private space, when she looked she saw no one.

“Ghost boy? Is that you?”

A sharp gasp or moan was the only response. “Leave us alone, you got me in trouble with Mommy because you wanted me to be a . I don’t like you anymore.”

A loud gasp was followed by a cry of relief, then suddenly some kind of gloopy white sauce was dropped in blobs all over her plate. “Hey! I don’t want no mayonnaise! I will tell my Mommy and she’ll get a priest in to get you!”

The ‘mayonnaise’ kept coming though and Crystal just huffed, waiting until the gushes of sauce stopped falling onto her plate. When finished she heard him speak close to her ear. “You have been blessed with fine food Crystal Miles, and I have blessed you again.”

Then the room fell silent and eventually Shelley returned t the table. “Sorry Sweetie, Aunt Olivia wanted to ask me something. Now come on, dig in.”

They proceeded in consuming their dinners. Crystal would not think about, see nor hear from the ghost boy for the rest of the night. Not until she awoke the next morning.

An: My Greek mythology is a mixture of Percy Jackson knowledge and my own experimentation with basic research on Wikipedia. It’s not a fanfic though, just pointing that out now.