Emotional

The silence was killing me, so I said what was running through my mind. “…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, parties can be… a lot. And that guy coming up and hitting on you? Completely inappropriate.”

“… um. He, wasn’t hitting on me. I think he thought I was drunk or **** up, and he was making sure I was okay.” I felt the shame boil through me again as I remembered again the total lack of anything at all I could point to as the reason for my panic attack.

“Well, I guess maybe he was alright then. But don’t hesitate to let me know if anyone gives you trouble like that, okay?”

“Okay… um. Thanks. And I really am sorry you had to leave early because of me. You’re a good friend, Clarissa. I’m really happy you’re my roommate.”

“Don’t mention it. No one messes with my roomy.” Clarissa chuckled. Then turned serious.

“I do have a question though. Where did you learn the name Clarissa?”

And now I was confused. Clarissa was her name. I had known her for years. Granted we didn’t exactly hang out until college, but even my less than stellar ability to remember names could recall the name of Clarissa, the girl everyone in high school talked about. “When you introduced yourself? It’s your name, right?”

“I introduced myself as Clair. Same as to everyone else on campus.” She sounded upset. Not exactly mad, but definitely upset. Had everyone else been calling her Clair? I mostly tuned out her conversations with others if I was close enough to hear. I also tended to avoid using anyone’s name if I could avoid it, natural instinct of someone bad with names. So this may have been the first time I actually said her name.

“I’m sorry, if you prefer Clair…” I fell silent, feeling I had hurt our friendship in some way, but not understanding how well enough to know what to do.

She reached her free hand over and squeezed my hand reassuringly. “It’s okay, I do prefer Clair but I am not mad about it. I just want to know how you know my actual name?”

“… high school.”

“Did you see me at a game when I was a cheer leader?”

I took a deep breath, realizing I needed to come clean. “No. Same school.”

She kept driving in silence, I wasn’t sure if it was the conversation or if she was just focused on driving. We made it back to the dorm and she helped me walk up to our dorm. She still didn’t talk and put her head in her hands as she sat on her bed. I was now pretty sure it wasn’t the driving. Did she realize who I was and was now embarrassed she had become friends with someone so lame? That seemed pretty unlikely given everything I knew about her, but my throat still constricted at the possibility.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I just… I just… thought… I could be someone different. If I tried really hard.”

“I’m not mad at you. You haven’t told anyone here despite knowing me from high school. Just please keep not telling anyone about me.”

“… I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you mean. I guess I don’t really talk to anyone but you anyways, but still… what am I not supposed to tell them?” I needed to know this, I couldn’t risk messing up our friendship. This long silent drive had really made it clear how much she meant to me. She was the only one I could talk to.

She raised her head from her hands and looked at me. “You really don’t know? It got revealed at prom? People were talking about it all over school?”

She had completely lost me. “I didn’t go to prom… and I didn’t talk to many people at school. I occasionally heard some gossip, but I didn’t really pay much attention. I did hear people joke that you were prom queen and king, but that’s a really flattering joke. I don’t think anyone would hold a joke like that against you here…” I trailed off as she stared deeply into my eyes.

“Have you told anyone from our hometown we are roommates?”

“…no?”

“Okay. You could easily find out if you talked to anyone from home, so I’ll just tell you, but please don’t freak out. I promise this doesn’t have to change anything between us.” I didn’t know what to make of this. I was scared about what she could possibly say, even though honestly my imagination was failing spectacularly to even try and hazard a guess. But while I failed to be confident for myself, maybe I could be confident for Clarissa. So I nodded.

“I’m intersex. If you’re into anime then you may know the term futanari. Put simply, I’m a girl, but I also have… well, a dick.”

I don’t know how to respond to this. Not a clue. It explains a few things that I honestly hadn’t thought needed an explanation. But now I had one. For the first time in a long time the awkward silence was not caused by me. Oh wait. She’s waiting for a response. I need to say something to make her feel better. She just dropped a very sensitive topic on me and is probably really worried about how I will react. I have to show her it’s all okay. But… how?

“… I’m Silent Sam.” The weight of her confession and now mine keeps my eyes down, so I don’t see her reaction.

“…who?”

“… I had a panic attack every time they tried to photograph me so I’m the only student to never show up in a year book. I skipped every field trip and basically talked the bare minimum needed to pass high school, and even that I’m pretty sure my parents bent some rules for me since I never had to give a presentation to the class once. Middle school showed that could never end well.”

“Oh yeah. I do remember you now. You were a hot rumor topic freshman year, but after that you just kind of became part of the background. …I guess since we are going into detail and you weren’t at prom I can fill you in. One of the other cheerleaders managed to see me changing. I had been doing it in private for years but I guess they were curious enough to peek and I let my guard down. I didn’t know about it until prom. Apparently she told just about everyone in school, at least everyone who voted for prom. I don’t know if it was the same person who peeked, or if it was someone else but either way someone came up with the idea to vote for me as both queen and king. And it worked. When they announced prom queen I was ecstatic. Then my whole world imploded when they announced prom king…”

Clarissa looked sad, but stoic. She had had time to come to terms with it. I was bawling my eyes out. All the little things I had heard about prom came rushing back to me with this new context. Those jerks!

I quickly ran over to comfort and hug her as hard as I could, though granted it probably looked more like I was a child looking to be comforted by an adult. “I'm” sniff “…sooo sorry they did that.” I sobbed into her shirt, realizing too late that my tears and makeup were making a whole new problem for her.

She chuckled softly, “it’s okay. I’m over it. But hey, we’re both out of that town and can make a new name for ourselves. So let’s not do the pity party, okay? How’s that sound Corvid?”

Hearing my new name helped me realize why she stopped going by Clarissa. “… um, it sounds good, Clair.”