Eighteen

On the morning of my birthday Kara was visibly worried when she entered our camp site. We were all ready to resume training or to start preparing fire positions in the hills. But that got cancelled quickly. Kara told us, Kylie and Alex were worried about the whereabouts of the big bad fat fucker after stripping his house. He could have been helped by one or more men with very similar interests, even better prepared, or already hunting for female victims.

So Kylie, or Alex ordered us to move the campsite to theirs where we would expand an existing small shelter, previously used by the young men in their section. That way we would be better protected. The other side of it, I thought, was that we would be able to form one complete section, need fewer guards and more opportunities to help Alex. Kara just smiled warmly at me when I told the group my motivation to move. Not that they really needed motivations, but it was perhaps the extra stimulus that got us started very fast, very vigilant and extremely efficient.

It was hard work that day and I was worried about Alex’ mood, when he would be confronted with Sophia and Clara on daily and hourly basis. But the women didn’t make a fuss of it, they kept themselves neutral, although a bit sad, not even hinting at what had happened between them, nor suggesting to make it up somehow. I realized they were concerned, but also instructed to act like this by Kylie.

Alex had it difficult at first, digging our second campsite, constructing it, connecting it with their own cave, but in the process he tried and succeeded to keep the necessary communication between squad and section leadership formal and businesslike. I had no idea we could do so much work in one day with only eight of us. Eight as Tom, Kate, Didier and Lina were doing something else that time. Tom was gathering intel in the villages about who could have helped the bad fucker, Kate was with her brother for the day and night. Didier and Lina were... apparently looking for the perfect shot the entire previous night and following day.

I was officially eighteen now, but I didn’t feel like it. Or I did feel like it, but was sad for things to come, or not to come. I felt myself trapped in my own promise to myself, to try to help Alex, without the need for help. To keep him from being hurt, without hurting myself. To protect him, without the need for protection for myself. To love him without being loved like he loved his girlfriends. I didn’t feel free at all, and I didn’t see how I could be loved, without breaking my own promise to myself. And I had to keep it, it was the most important thing in my life now. I felt it etched into my soul for eternity.

It was a miracle I got through that day without melting my own mind. I was confused, and hormones were razing through my body, thinking about what Didier and Lina were probably doing that day. Taking the perfect shot all day long...

I was ready to go to sleep, but I felt it would take a long time before I would fall asleep of mental exhaustion. But then Kara came to me and asked me to join a private meeting with Alex, Kara and Kylie. I had no idea what for. My mind was addled in pure confusion, longings and knowing I could not wish for what I wanted. I was nervous to see him, as if he could read into my soul, but leave it alone, or that I wanted... not wanted... to leave my soul in loneliness.

He tried to put me on my ease when I sat in front of him. He smiled gently to me. I tried to smile back to him. Why was I there? With the three of them? He saw my nervousness and said:

“Nothing to worry about, Ella.”

I had seen during the day he had been worrying about stuff, so clearly on his face, but that moment he had let it slide in favor of me. He smiled at me. Warmly. His warmth was radiating to me, like it had done before for Clara. I felt embraced by pure love. He continued:

“You mentioned earlier it would be your birthday today. Perhaps you thought I would forget, but I didn’t. Perhaps you wanted me to forget it, but I couldn’t. You told me you have dreaded your birthday for years, as it would be the moment you would be kicked out of the house, without any support left. You said you have it better now, knowing how to survive, even on your own, in this new upside down world. I think you need this birthday, more than others. Because today is the day you are now free of all worries about your past life. Even if it feels like it isn’t, I give you this, to remember us, to remember you are free.”

And then he gave me an empty cartridge case.

I saw it in the palm of his hand, and in that instance I remembered another time, not long ago when he also had held a cartridge case, when he had tried to explain me how it worked, using a metaphor:

“Look, compare a bullet with a person. I mean the projectile itself. The projectile or the person is... let’s say a bit hesitant to act on its own. It needs some things in life, in able to go forward. To grow. Luckily for the person the things it needs are very close by. So close by, it can feel it. It can feel its love. It is surrounded by casing of love, of protection. In the casing there is also care to move it forwards. It has gunpowder, it has care to stand on. And as soon as it is needed to go forward, the gunpowder explodes, the care increases in such a volume, that through only the casing of love and protection it can go forward. It is free.”

My mind went in overdrive, trying to reconnect the dots of my life into different links, translating the metaphor of Alex to apply it to myself...

Think as of yourself as a projectile, hesitant to act on my own...

Well, that was true. I had the **** of a projectile once I had set my mind on it. But I was hesitant, I had difficulties to be independent without losing what I wanted too.

... I need some things in my life, in able to go forward, to grow...

I needed to be loved, not as a child, but as a woman, no longer a child.

... Luckily for me, the things I need are very close by, so close, I can feel it, I can feel the love...

I could. I felt the warmth of him, transferring to me, like he was connected to me, holding me in an embrace of love. So close by.

... I was surrounded by love and protection...

By Alex, by his girlfriends, literally and figuratively. In his cave, by his warmth. It felt surreal, existential and yet very real.

... In his love I was cared for, to move myself forwards...

To be cared in his love, leaning on his care, ready to free myself.

... And when I wanted to free, in that moment his care would increase in such a volume, that only through his protection and love, I could free myself. And when I did, I would be free...

I had been looking all my life for a man like Alex, but now in this upside down world, I no longer needed to look for a man like Alex. It was Alex, It was only Alex. So close by, so much love and care already here, I didn’t need to look elsewhere. And when I wanted to be free, he would let me free, and yet cared for and loved by. It wasn’t an ‘or-or’ situation anymore. The world had changed and I could change with it. The past was gone, I was already free. Not by becoming eighteen, but by Alex, freeing me from my misery of my own past. He was already loving me to grow even more. He was caring for me to move forward, when I wanted it. On my own. If I wanted. When I wanted.

And I wanted him, the only man making me realize I was already free, in that moment when he gave me the cartridge case, by transferring it into my hands, seeing a word scratched on it, FREE. Already free, and love, protection and care on standby. By him, when I wanted to be more independent. More free. More loved.

I realized it was the greatest gift any person could give me, in a thousand lifetimes. To free myself from my own confusion, my own false dilemma’s. I felt the earth shaking underneath me. Destroying my past, reordering my life, to be ready myself, in his love, surrounding me, ready to give me just a tiny little spark to go forward, never to look back.

I fell myself swept off my feet. Taken into embrace, flying in the air, carried by him. I could steer myself, I could be the projectile myself, not needing to steer it. I could be a missile looking for its own target. Looking for whatever I wanted.

And I wanted him... More than ever... With the same intensity as I had made my promise to myself. They didn’t need to be competing promises. To look for love and to be leaned on by him. They could be one.

At that moment, irrevocable, for eternity, I fell in love. With an intensity I had never felt before.

I felt myself falling in love with Alex. Unavoidable falling in love with Alex.

I couldn’t hold in the emotions that electrified my entire mind and body. They needed to be expressed. There was no other way. I felt embraced by his love and realizing it... A tiny spark exploded my care for him, my love for him and I found myself suddenly holding him, embracing him, knocking him almost backwards. I couldn’t say a word.

I didn’t know what to say when I released him.

“No need to anything. Your hug was more than enough. Now, take a moment for yourself, and go back to your section.” He calmly said, smiling his warmth again, sending myself on my way.