ENF-031 - FUNHOUSE

Item #: ENF-031
Object Class: Godiva

Containment Procedures: ENF-031 can currently be accessed through an old wooden wardrobe located in the third sub-basement of Research Facility 1-A. Additional points of entry may appear in any enclosed location throughout the facility, including cupboards, lockers, chests of drawers, storage closets, supply crates and even the interior of vehicles. Any researcher finding herself in ENF-031 is required to report to Dr. Blithe for a full debriefing upon egress.

Description: ENF-031 is a pocket dimension resembling the interior of a carnival funhouse, but vastly expanded in scope. Preliminary investigations by the Artemis containment team suggest it occupies an area of at least fifteen cubic miles. It exists parallel to our universe and is capable of manifesting exits and entrances wherever it chooses, as well as "sucking" in unsuspecting victims. Female personnel at Research Facility 1-A are advised to be aware of this hazard.

The wardrobe containing the primary entrance to ENF-031 was recovered in 2013 from the bedroom of a prominent lady lawyer in Savannah, Georgia, who made national headlines by streaking the Superbowl in nothing but American-flag stockings. Her scattered references to "circus dreams" in a televised interview caught the Foundation's attention. Over fifteen thousand encounters, dating back to the nineteenth century, have since been documented.

Escaping ENF-031 is far more difficult than entering it. Any woman caught inside the maze must solve a series of cryptic clues in order to find an exit, while navigating an enormous variety of tricks and traps designed to attack her dignity and comfort. These include water jets, air vents, spring-loaded paddles, slime pits, feather bombs and mechanical hands, and become more complex and fiendish as more progress is made. If the victim is not nude when she is captured, her gradual disrobement forms a key part of the ordeal.

The exit door can open anywhere. Its location is usually calculated by ENF-031 to maximize the embarrassment of its dishevelled subject. Past victims have found themselves emerging from a hated rival's birthday cake, stumbling into a crowded lecture theater, thrown out of a cab into the middle of a busy street, and even being discovered in a magician's vanishing cabinet during a sell-out show.

Time passes differently inside ENF-031. In one recorded incident, Dr. Lucent entered the funhouse through a refrigerator door in the 1-A breakroom while going to fetch a Coke. She was discovered no less than thirty seconds later by the live studio audience of The Ellen Degeneres Show, wearing nothing but rollerskates and woollen mittens. The redness of her bottom, however, could not have been achieved in less than forty-five minutes of sustained paddling.

Addendum 031-01: Carol Song here. Security officer. Just got assigned to Artemis. Is this what you're all complaining about? How hard can it be to map a funhouse?

Addendum 031-02: Officer Song. Second attempt. Shut the hell up about last time.

Addendum 031-02: Stop singing that damn song. None of you can even remember the words. Third attempt.

Addendum 031-03: Okay, since you all kept insisting, here's my mandatory report. Time spent inside ENF-031: three hours. Traps encountered: too many to count. All my gear removed by magnets in the first five minutes. Bootlaces tied together. Wrists bound to ankles when I reached down to untie them. Camo trousers lowered to expose purple skull-patterned underpants. Back of underpants attached to hook and hauled vertically. Spanking machine activated. Do I really have to say all of this?

Addendum 031-04: I swear I'm not making it up. Something's alive in there.