Diplomatically

“Tania, if you had been born as a worm, it would have been very difficult for you to use the equipment at the gym where we met. Furthermore, I would suggest that we would have struggled to bake together, sing together, go drinking together and… well, all the other ways we enjoy each other’s company together, and that would certainly put a strain on the relationship.”

Tania had turned back to look at him as he spoke, though it was impossible to tell from her expression if he was making a strong case or not.

“On the other hand,” he continued, trying for humour. “I’ve seen plenty of worms while gardening and while I’m sure they’re all just as charming, intelligent and thoughtful as you are, I can promise you that I’m not about to run away with any of them.”

Tania looked at him for a little longer before rolling away onto her back and staring at the ceiling.

While Lee had been expecting to be memed at some point during their relationship, he had not been expecting such an apparently serious response.

“What if,” Tania eventually said. “You woke up tomorrow and found me turned into a worm?”

Lee found himself wondering how long this would continue, coming up with the best answer he could on short notice.

“I would endeavour to avoid rolling on top of you.”

More silence, more staring at the ceiling.

“What if…” Tania trailed off with much less certainty this time. “What if I told you…”

Lee waited dutifully. Tania was clearly working her way towards asking a difficult question, and he was happy to give her all the time she needed to pick her route.

“What if I told you that deep down inside, I am a worm.”

Lee sighed.

“That’s not a healthy way to think of yourself, Tania.”

“I mean it.”

Tania sat up, crawled over to Lee and straddled him where he lay. Under any other circumstances the sight of his girlfriend pinning him down at the waist would have been a very welcome sight, but her expression made it clear that sexy times weren’t on the agenda at that moment.

“What if none of this was really me, and on the inside I was actually just a worm?”

Lee looked up as the mid-morning sun created a halo effect around Tania’s hair.

“You’re very well-spoken for a worm.”

Tania said nothing.

Lee said the only thing he could think of. “Earthworm or tapeworm?”

Tania actually seemed to think about that for a moment.

“Sea cucumber,” she said eventually.

“Hot,” Lee said automatically.

Tania frowned, falling forwards and pressing her face into Lee’s chest.

“I’m being serious,” she said in a muffled voice.

“So you want to know if I’d love you if you were a sea cucumber?”

“No, a worm!”

“A worm that looks like a sea cucumber?”

“Yes!”

Lee lay in baffled silence. Either the meme had evolved beyond what he’d been able to keep up with, or Tania was going for some very strange improv.