Determined

I have to admit, there were a few nervous butterflies in my stomach, but for the most part, I felt determined. I felt righteous anger boiling up in me. My fiancee and I had a big fight last night, and I made the decision that it was over. We were finished. On some level, I was throwing away the last four years of my life, but on the other hand, we just were not going to gel in the long term.

I had my life together. We moved out here because I had a job opportunity, some old guy looking for someone to take over his practice. When we met, I knew that Josh was still figuring stuff out; that was fine. Its just, I thought by now, he would have figured some stuff out. It wasn't much of a fight to get him to move out with me. He mostly did freelance work, and could do everything from home.

I tried to let him handle his own life. I knew he had some savings, some inheritance he got from his great-uncle. If he was living off those savings in lulls between paying gigs, well, that was his business.

But I had found out that he hadn't had a paying client for months. He was too busy learning a new skill. I don't understand why he thought hypnosis was suddenly going to be a rainmaker for him. I mean, honestly, how much money can a hypnotist really make? We had a knock down drag out fight. He decided that he was going to stay at a hotel for a few days while we thought some things over.

I think he HAS been over to the house since then though. When I woke up this morning, a number of his shirts weren't hanging up in the closet where they usually were. Before, I thought maybe he was just having trouble finding direction in his life, but this really peeved me. He'd rater break in in the middle of the night WHILE. I. WAS. SLEEPING. instead of taking the chance seeing me and actually discussing our issues? That was a little boy's response to this kind of conflict.

No, this was the final straw. I got dressed and started walking to the motel that he was staying at. Its a small town, and it was only a few blocks. No reason to get in my car just for that. Some of the old timers gawked at me. They've probably never seen me this determined before. I could feel goosepimples on my flesh. It must have been colder this morning than I realized. No matter, my fiery determination would keep me warm.

Some old lady yelled out "Whore!" driving by in her husband's pick-up. I looked around. There was nobody around. Sad to see someone old obviously having some sort of dementia related episodes that she's yelling slurs at me, but one problem at a time.

I arrived at his motel and started banging on door #13 until he opened up. "Rebecca," he said in a low, hushed tone.

"We need to talk," I said, pushing past him. I was fucking shocked to see that he had company over in his room. Maura, another lawyer in my office, was laying on the bed, wearing only a bathrobe. She seemed to be sleeping on his bed. The TV was on,a pink and green spiral spinning endlessly on the screen.

"Josh, what the fuck?" I nearly screamed at him.

"Shh," he said in the same low hushed tone, "My sweet surrender doll, its okay." I nearly bit his finger off when he shushed me. With his right hand, he grabbed the top of my head, and forcibly shifted me so I was staring at the TV screen.

Sweet Surrender Doll he called me. Why did those words echo in my head. Sweet Surrender Doll, Sweet Surrender Doll, Sweet Surrender Doll.

"Sweet Surrender Doll, you're slowly drifting down, drifting down."

"No... I'm not... I'm... I'm determined," I said. Sweetsurrenderdoll sweetsurrenderdoll continued to echo in my head.

"You're very determined, Becca," he agreed. It felt nice that he agreed, that we agreed. "You're determined because you want to be happy, you need to be happy."

"I want to be happy," I said, trying to retain my grasp on my anger. Josh, he wasn't going to let me be happy, that's why I had marched here.

"You knew that coming here would make you happy, Becca," he intoned. I slowly nodded, being careful to keep the spiral in the center of my vision. I had seen the spiral before, hadn't I?

"Happy," I mumbled. I had trouble keeping my jaw closed. It just kept going and going, and I could feel it start to grow and pulsate. I wanted to be happy, I needed to be happy. The spiral could make me happy.

"I've been hypnotizing you for months, remember?" he snapped his fingers. I had seen the spiral before! Every night, he'd barely rouse me and show me the spiral, and I would drift down for him. I was his sweet surrender doll.

I could feel my muscles give way as he talked to me. "Feel the sense of calmness tingle as it moves through you, starting at your toes. Feel the tension slowly work itself out as you focus on your feet and your ankles. Every muscle relaxes, moving upward and upward, feel the tension in your calves and your thighs drift away." I laid back on the bed.

"... and up through your shoulders and down your arms. And you can feel the happy calmness pass over you. Your eyes are starting to drift down. You can't keep your eyes open, my sweet surrender doll. You know that you're determined to be happy, and my hypnosis can make you happy. You know that you need this feeling, that you crave it. Your brain needs my hypnosis. You're determined to be my sweet surrender doll"

My eyes fluttered shut as I fell deeper and deeper, next to Maura. I was his sweet surrender doll. I would come to him when he told me.