Debriefing

Well, at least he did accept my gift. But my feelings of guilt are still there. This won’t be easy, and I am not even sure, I want it to go away. If my guilt resulted in finding someone that I want to care about, consider me at least on that part satisfied. In fact, I am more than happy with the result of my blowjob.

“Well, I am satisfied.” I said, smiling sweetly.

“You’re satisfied?” He asked with the emphasis on you.

Well, you are, so I am too. Not entirely, I had hoped on more, but you are clearly not like any man I have met before. For now, it will have to do.

“Yes. It seems very clear you accepted my thank you.”

“I did indeed, so much so, I feel like being in debt. Your methods of eh... relieving stress to others are exquisite.”

Looks like I blew his mind too. Wait, he feels in debt? I only talked to him and gave him a blowjob. Does he consider the blowjob an extra stress relief he wants me to repay me for? Was the conversation the thanks he was most grateful for? Simply there is no way to tell with this man.

“In my debt?”

“Yes, but however I wish to return the favor, I will never reach the height of your expertise I sadly have to admit.”

So, you do wish to return the favor I was returning in the first place. But oh... wait. He wants to continue this pleasant exchange of gifts.

“Hmm. Perhaps with enough practice?”

“Oh, and, whom, do I pray, do you know who would like to be the test subject for that?”

He was surprised I would take him up on that, or does he want me to find someone else, or both? I can do both, no problem. Preferably me to start with, though... Fuck, I feel so horny now, just thinking about it. About him returning the favor... Hmm...

“Well, with the right stimulation, under the right circumstances, I might find one for that.” I answered, feeling myself slightly blushing.

“Ah excellent. Well, consider me very much thanked by you.” He continued while pulling up his pants. Slightly turning his head to better hear the nearing footsteps he continued: “To my greatest disappointment, we will have to delay this very interesting conversation for another time.”

“Alex?” I heard asking above me, as he fastened his belt.

Kate. She is so confused about her feelings for him. She likes him, finds him attractive, but doesn’t want him to act on it. Women, a mystery that cannot be solved.

“Yes?” He replied and looked up. I saw Kate standing looking down upon Alex, seeing him buttoning up and zipping his pants closed. She blushed fiercely. I decided to tease her while Alex wasn’t looking and gave her a naughty wink and briefly stuck out the tip of my tongue licking my own lips.

Seemingly trying to regain her composure, she briefly looked elsewhere, and mentioned that the embedded lieutenant wanted to talk to all the platoon leaders at his command tent.

“Okay, thank you Kate.”

Alex crawled out of the fox hole, paused for a moment and addressed me one more time, serious now: “Kylie, I really, really thank you for the conversation before and the eh... therapy session. Don’t be afraid to talk to me or ask me to listen to your suggestions, or eh... other stuff.”

Oh, I will. I definitely will.

“I will. Thank you.” I replied smiling.

He then started walking to the command tent, while Kate was jumping into the foxhole I just shared with Alex.

“And? How did it go?” Kate asked in full curiosity mode.

“The blowjob you suggested was an excellent idea.” I replied, teasingly.

“You told him it was my suggestion?” She anxiously asked: “Please tell me you didn’t!”

“No, no.” I assured her, calming her.

“Good. Thanks.” She sighed in relief.

“Perhaps you should tell him that?” I teased her with a smile.

“No!” She started blushing again.

“Just teasing, but serious now, you clearly like him. He finds you attractive and he cares for you, but you don’t want to act upon it, and you don’t want he acts upon it. What do you want to do with your feelings anyway?”

“I used be sure he would have liked to act upon it, I used to be sure I didn’t like him, and I used to be sure he saw me as someone he desired. Now? He sees me just as someone to care for. Nothing more. Just polite. No leering at any point. Just the child of a mother he promised to look out for. Even if I wanted something more, that ship has sailed.”

“So all you need is some assurances. Some way of knowing what is or isn’t.” I replied concerned.

“It is not that simple.” Kate sighed.

“It never is, certainly not with Alex. You know he offered me to return the favor?”

“He did?” In part horror, part fascination, she asked.

“Yes, but the sad thing is, or the good thing, fuck I don’t even know, I think he only accepted the blowjob because I asked him for it to lessen my feelings of guilt. And he wasn’t even angry at me at all! He ignored me for so long, because he felt guilty and angry himself for killing Kemal, and most of all: for getting me traumatized doing that in front of me, splattering his blood on me, and forcing me to keep it covered up for the rest of the team. He didn’t even know the rest of us knew he saved me from being ****!” I suddenly was blurting it all out.

Poor Kate seemed not be able to handle all this information all at once, because she faced her palm, closed her eyes, then took the bridge of her nose between thumb and index finger, frowning, extending her arm to me with her palm held up, as in trying to stop the flow of information.

“Wait, wait.” Kate said imploringly.

“Let me get this right,” Kate continued: “You thought he was angry at you, but he wasn’t. He ignored you, not because he was angry at you, but he felt guilty himself. He was angry at himself for traumatizing you. And he thought no one knew he saved you from Kemal **** you.”

Kate suddenly opened her eyes and gasping she exclaimed: “God, he must have felt so alone! Bearing all of that on his own.”

“Yes,” I sighed saddened. “And then I came to him, asking him how to thank him for it. I explained all what happened after he saved me. The team, the agreement that we would follow his lead... Me feeling guilty for it. Grateful for it. All of it.”

“And? What did he ask for?”

“That’s just it! Nothing! He said he just acted out of anger, damn the consequences! He didn’t want me to thank him for it.”

“So, how come you gave him a blowjob after all?”

“It was because of something he said. I explained he shouldn’t be feeling guilty for traumatizing me, or for keeping me silent. He replied that he won’t stop feeling that way, just because I said so. So I countered his words and said that I wouldn’t stop feeling in debt, only because he said I shouldn’t. I had asked him multiple times to making me thank me. I would do anything for it.”

“Anything, huh...?” She said with a light naughty smile on her face.

“You get the hint! After the first time mentioning it, well, he didn’t. At all. Nope, nothing. Like he didn’t understand or...”

Now that I think about it: like he most certainly didn’t want to go there...

“Or...?” Kate further inquired.

“Or that he didn’t think to deserve it all.” I ended.

No, probably just that...

“So you ended up giving him a blowjob for...?” Kate continued, as if she couldn’t understand it either.

“I felt like he only let me give him that blowjob, in order for me to feel better. To lessen my feelings of guilt. After all, I guided him towards it. Just because he said so, it wasn’t as if I could just stop feeling guilty or grateful for saving me.”

“But before he left here, he said he felt grateful?” Kate wondered.

“You heard him just right. He was really, really grateful for the conversation before the blowjob and the blowjob. Literally. I guess the conversation before was the most important thing of it all. The blowjob was something he let me do to make me feel better. Me. But he most definitely was satisfied with it.” I ended with a wink. “And he really wants to return that favor.” I winked again.

Kate slightly blushed at that. She seemed very easily to get blushed. But she still had her own thoughts about it.

“Well, this is a lot to think about. Looks like you were right about your categorization of good creeps and bad creeps. He most certainly will not act upon it. Not ever... Even if he does still have those feelings for me. Which he doesn’t. Or does he?” Kate stated almost sad.

“We don’t know. That is why we need to test it.” I said, and I continued:

“Well one thing I did learn about him during the blowjob, is that he only will act if asked, or even ordered to do so. That way he is certain he will not hurt someone, by acting.”

“Not sure I even want him to act upon it, strange as it may sound, Kylie.”

“You are confused about your feelings, I know, Kate. But perhaps the test will bring clarity to your own feelings as well.”

“Is there even such a test? I doubt he will say: ”Sure Kate, why not” if I asked him to act upon his feelings. If he has any left. He could easily say: that was before, this is now, he made a promise to my mother. And if he would say the former I doubt I would even want that. Being not even sure of myself.” She said almost ****.

“First things first, Kate. Patience. Calm down. You are still not sure if he would act the first time he gets a chance, aren’t you?”

Kate nodded.

“And you are right, words would not be sufficient. Too many things he could say. Blowing this thing completely up. And we don’t want that either, do we?”

Kate shook her head slightly.

“Luckily for you there is a simple test for that.”

“There is?” She asked, eyes wide open.

“You’re still sleeping in the foxhole with your brother and the boys, right? Jon and Peter?”

“Yes, gay as fuck, and loving each other very much. Very much...” Kate stated, complained even.

“I expected so... Well, all you need to do, is one night come to our foxhole, saying you wanted a night off because the boys wanted some private time. Alex knows they are gay, so he will understand. Then, when Alex lies in the middle of us two, and when you are close to him, but not laying against him, I’ll push him to you. Trust me, it will make him horny. Then we wait what he will do. Will he grind you too, or not? Or will he embrace me...

Hmm... would he embrace me and get on with it? No, stop thinking about that. Kate first.

Or will he use the excuse me pushing him to lay very, very close to you?”

“And if does? What then?” Kate asked, almost in panic, almost in something else.

“Then just turn and move up a bit further away from him. He will not hurt you.”

“True. But if he doesn’t get closer at all? And leaves me there in the cold?” Kate asked, almost in panic, but definitely in something else too, I could notice.

“Just embrace him, if you don’t want to be left in the cold. See if he reacts on that, if you want to test it further. You can always turn around later.”