Dear Diary

Message from the author:

If you like this story and find the financial strength to support me, it would mean a lot if you would do it here:

https://ko-fi.com/finn0815thewritingshark

Your support shows me more than anything that you value my work. Thank you. And if you are not able to give anything, you are still welcome here and I would be very pleased if you would like this chapter. Thank you again. Finn 0815.

I hope you had a happy new year. I saw Top Gun Maverick for... I think the 27th time. And it was still just as good. And funny story, my best friend saw it at home too without us telling on each other. And since last year I've been making myself a pot full of butterbeer from Harry Potter.

In keeping with the theme (and this really has nothing to do with this story...) I need two of your favorite celebrities. Oh well, I know you would never have guessed that, but it has to do with the story! Boom. I know. ;) Too early for a poll and I actually already have my two favorite picks, but it can't hurt to ask the valued reader and after seeing the poll for RyanI had a thought which I will tell you later.

So, the poll.

If you check characters you'll see that I've given Ryan a picture. That's actually how I've always imagined him to be, but as with every character I try to rely on the pictures as much as possible. So I won't describe his skin color and general appearance in the text, so that if you imagined him differently, you can still do so.

And in keeping with the start of the new year, we have an incredibly close second poll.

By one vote. Shit, but I thank you, anonymous stranger who saved my Cheeky Gamer Girl by one vote. I own you a put of butter bear. ;)

On the one hand, I find it reassuring that it turned out so balanced, as I'm always worried about influencing my readers with my opinion and my rather liberal standpoint on the topic of "I keep my mouth shut". On the other hand, of course, I immediately think that I didn't express myself clearly enough or something.

We got to know Lisa as a shy and cute, nice girl and I won't change anything about that! God she's cute! I wouldn't be able to handle that myself and (even when I'm writing this story!) I'd always be afraid that she would flirt with other boys. That won't happen. She love's Finn and only him... In terms of boys... So see it more as a blossoming in public as long as Finn is with her. An online star who needs help getting along with her real-life fans.

At some point the question will surely arise as to how she will earn her money online, but that comes later.

So, for now, to a good sart in 2025 and please enjoy...

Chapter 33

Dear Diary

Tammy Lynchwood. +1 (PS -14)

What the actual fuck am I doing here?

I hate him! I hate him so much!

My life was perfect. Everything was fine until he showed up. Why did mom have to get that fucker in the first place? And that stupid bitch too? Everything was perfect until they both showed up and now everything sucks!

I hate them so much!

---

Angry, my knuckles white, I write my thoughts in this fucking diary like he ordered me to. I hate him so much! My hand shakes at the thought of him, his arrogant, dirty, ugly grin when he orders me to do things I hate.

Who even writes a diary anymore? That's so for little children.

That perverted, little, disgusting...

But I can't finish the thought.

"Family! I'm home!" I drop the pen in shock and almost fall after it as I quickly bend down to pick it up again.

I'm late. Fuck! I thought he would be late but a glance at the clock... I've lost track of time like a little...

"Fuck" I whisper.

Yes. I hate him. I hate him for everything he stands for. I hate him for doing nothing while, somehow, my family changes around him. I hate him for putting me in the corner like a little... I hate him for allowing me to eat. And I hate him for...

No. I don't hate him for that.

I can't.

I'm grateful to him.

I'm grateful to him for comforting me.

Tammy Lynchwood. +2 (PS -12)

But it was his fault! He was the one who got me into this situation in the first place! I hate him!

But this time even I understand that he had to. If I were him, I would have... No, I wouldn't have done the same thing.

I would be much, much worse if I had gained power over my family like he does.

I can see it and...

"Mom? Come here Mom!"

He calls her like a... Oh God, the memories! What is all this about? Mom was like that... And he was like that...

But I can't think about that now. I've been thinking about it all day, but I haven't come up with a solution that hasn't made me scream and cry.

And besides...

I press my lips together, almost breaking the pen in my hand.

And besides, I have to fulfill his order.

Otherwise, he'll get angry with me.

---

I hate him! I hate Finnand Rose! I hate my brother and sister!

Why does it have to be like this? I don't want this! Why does he have to be so anti-feminist to me? Fucking hypocrite! Fucking loser! What did I do to deserve this? I don't deserve this! I'm a strong woman and I don't deserve this! Do you hear that Finn? I don't deserve what you're doing to me! You're a loser and an asshole and a fucking pig! Read this through, you asshole! Your a fucking bastard! Whoreson! And I will fight you and I will win because I'm a girl and you're big and bad and mean and

Fuck these dumb tears

That's all your fault, you dumb meany!

I can't write when Mom is making such a doggy noise downstairs. It scares me. I thought you didn't want to scare me!

But I'm scared.

It's all because of you! Mean Finn! I'm sitting here crying and I want to fulfill your order but what's happening here? What's happening down there? I hear Mom barking and whining and I want to do your order. But I can't and that makes me sad and now I just have to cry even more!

Okay. It's quiet downstairs now. I don't know why you do this to Mom or to me. And you've probably do it to Rose too. But I'm writing down my thoughts now. I've been thinking. Really hard. And the tears are gone now.

Because I've been thinking about you, brother.

I'm afraid I'm too late and you'll be disappointed in me. I haven't much writing done as you can see. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make you happy brother.

Tammy Lynchwood. +1 (PS -11)

I really want to do your order and write my thoughts in my diary like you told me to.

But Finn, I lied and I'm really sorry.

My life isn't as good as I think.

Tammy Lynchwood. +8 (PS -3)

I'm always angry and sad and I don't know why. I haven't thought about it. Thinking is so difficult for me and since you've been so mean Since you've been taking such good care of me, I can think even less. That scares me.

But I know you'll make it all right.

You always make it all right. I was mean to you. I was a really mean girl and I’m so sorry Brother.

Tammy Lynchwood. +2 (PS -1)

Your smile isn’t dirty and arrogant. It’s warm. And I need it. I want it.

And I know I don’t deserve it because I was bad and mean.

Naughty Girl.

Naughty Girl Tammy!

But I want to do better. I want to earn it.

These dumb mean tears agan! I’m sorry brother! I try to write but I can’t because I’m crying.

But not because of earlier. Earlier was stupid. I’m crying because I want to hug you. You should come to me like last time and talk to me and make everything right again.

I don’t want to be angry anymore.

Dumb tears.

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

And if you’re angry at me then that’s okay. I was naughty and didn’t write much for you. I’m sorry.

Dumb tears!

---

I’m sobbing over my stupid mean diary and I’m so angry and sad.

But not at Finn.

Finn takes care of me, I’ve understood that now.

And I’m so stupid. I notice that something is happening to me. Finn told me. But this diary… I can’t concentrate. My head is so full of thoughts. Like it used to be. But I used to be able to orgen... oranai... To make them easy and...

But that's not true. That's a lie and Finn tells me not to lie.

It used to be just like that. So many thoughts, so complic... Such difficult thoughts.

I used to think I unda... undersdou... to know the world and when Finn changed it, it scared me.

Now I'm just scared because this stupid diary is so hard to write and I don't know what to do with it.

I grab the pen again, really hard, until my fingers hurt. But I can't think of anything.

Tammy is so stupid!

But Finn is so smart.

I'm sitting here crying like a little child while he's downstairs talking to Mom and Jasmine like an adult. The others have already understood it but I've taken so long again.

And why do I want Mom to keep being Mom? Mom was mean to me too and Finn understood that.

Mom didn't come to my bed. Finn has.

And Mom only took care of Jasmine . But Finn takes care of me. And the others.

Maybe... Maybe what's happening to me isn't so bad. Maybe...

I can't do this anymore. It's too much. I'm overwhelmed... All messed up and...

I want to go to Finn. I want to go to my d... brother.

---

I stand up on weak legs and take one last look at the tear-soaked paper of the diary that I bought especially for him. Now I'm just afraid that he's angry with me because I've written so little, am so messed up and so confused.

I want to go to him...

But he's with Mom and I don't dare interrupt him. I want so badly to run to him and hug him. He can make the messed up in my head go away. Only he can, I know that. He knows what's happening to me and he can make it right.

But I don't dare. I don't deserve it and...

My thoughts are running in circles, like I do in my room. And the tears are coming back. Anger, sadness...

But as I walk through the room while strange noises come up from below, I see the solution and I think of Finn.

"Thank you..." I whisper and quicken my pace until I'm standing in front of the big teddy bear he gave me. "Mister Fluffy," I say and hesitate. Do I really want to sink so low? I know something is happening to me...

But before I can finish the thought, I've already got down on the floor and am hugging the fluffy thing.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and feel Mister Fluffy's soft fur on my cheek while my knees press against the floor and I deliberately make myself small. My cheeks burn as I realize that I, a grown woman, am hugging a damn teddy bear, but as quickly as the thought came, it is lost in the maelstrom that messes up my head. "I've tried but I'm so scared and alone and dumb and messed up and... And it feels so good to talk to you... Mister Fuffy." I would have broken a real bear's back, but Mister Fluffy is there for me, like my brother told me, and I can talk to him. I can tell him the things I can't admit to myself. "I'm not a woman," I whisper, rubbing my cheek against his fur. "I can't fight. I'm nothing, Mister Fluffy. I tell everybody I'm strong but that's a dumb lie. I'm scared of all the wittle things and that's so dumb. I'm scared of mom and being alone. And of my brother because I'm mean. And I'm scared because I know I'm mean and can't do anything right." My body fills his with warmth, and my tears mix with his fur as I confide in the bear my brother got for me.

Thank you Finn.

"I'm not a woman. I'm a stupid little child who is too scared and confused and can't write his diary and I'm afraid that Finn is mad at me and doesn't love me anymore."

Tammy Lynchwood. +8 (PS +7)

"It's all so stupid but my head is so full and I want... I want..." Mr. Fluffy is so soft and warm and I feel safe with him. As a little kid, before I was 18, I had a teddy bear that I threw away on my birthday. Back then I thought I was a woman now but now I'm not so sure. It feels good, here on the floor, with Mr. Fluffy in my arms. Warm. Safe. And I don't know why I wanted to be in this big, bad world where my head hurts because of all the stupid thoughts and fears.

Now I'm scared too. But only of one thing.

"I want Finn to like me and be proud of me and not be mad at me."

Tammy Lynchwood. +4 (PS +11)

And then, a bit too late but that's who I am, I feel something new.

It was him! He did this to me! Somehow he is responsible for me sitting on the floor now, crying like a little child, hugging a teddy bear while I hear Mom barking downstairs! It was him and...

And I don't care.

I don't care at all as I pick up Mr. Fluff and carry him to the bed. With my legs wide, as if he is heavier than I thought, as if my 18-year-old body is having trouble supporting the teddy bear, I collapse onto the bed with him where I am hiding from my brother.

My brother who is doing this to me.

My brother who I wish would come to me and not be mad that I didn't do my task. It's so childish and... It feels so right.

"Please," I whisper to Mr. Fluffy as I crawl across the bed with him and carefully sit him up.

"Pwease forgive me... Mister Fluffy. I didn't mean to hit you. I was angry and I'm sowy. Thank you for being there for me anyway, Mister Fluffy. I'm so mean and dumb but I don't really want to be. I want to be nice and gentle but there's so much anger inside me and I don't know what to do with it." The tears come again and I feel so useless. __

Dumb Tammy! Bad Tammy! Useless Tammy!

But Mr. Fluffy makes it a little better. He's there for me even when I'm dumb and bad and useless and I'm so grateful to him for that.

"I wanna be good" I wail into his soft, warm, wet fur and feel so lucky for him to be with me. " I pwomise. I'm all alone because I'm bad and I'm so bad and I fail and I'm so useless."

More tears. I sniff loudly and rub my face against my big, soft friend.

"I pwomise I'll get better. And I'm so grateful that you're there for me, Mister Fluffy. You're there for me when Finn..."

It takes me a while to understand. My head is so slow and it's like I'm forgetting some things I used to know. Or maybe not. I don't remember.

But I remember his words. The words my brother said to me.

Mr. Fluffy is always there for you when I can't be. And he loves you, even when you're naughty. Just like I will always love you.

My face is probably all red and puffy and my hair is caught in the bear's fur when I raise my head and look at him.

"You're him, right?" I ask him, but I get no answer. Clumsily I wipe my face with my arm, spreading tears and snot even more as I sniff loudly and smile at the bear who is there for me. "I was so grateful to him for giving you to me but... That's you, right? Finn?"

---

Dear Diary

Now I understand

I was wrong all along.

He's the one responsi... doing all this..

And that's okay.

Because he takes care of me.

I was a very bad little girl but my brother still loves me. And I love him for that. He gave me Mister Fluffy and just like Mister Fluffy, Finn is patient and kind and everything I want.

But I don't deserve it.

Finn. Please read what I write. Please come to me and let me sit on your lap while you read my apology.

I'm so sorry for being so mean!

Tammy Lynchwood. +4 (PS +15)

My c My p Down there it's aaal tingly because of you. I know it is because of you because it feels really good.

I hope you are proud of me and I want to try to be a good little girl so that you hug me like Mister Fluffy and never let me go again.

I was soooo bad and if you want to punish me, then you can. I will listen to you and be good. I promise.

I want to write and say so much more because you are such a good brother and always stand by me but I don't know how. My head is all fuzzy, just like the teddy bear you gave me. But I'm thinking of you and it's so nice that I have you.

I hear you and Mom downstairs but I'm a good girl and I'm waiting for you to come to me. I hope you kiss me goodnight and that you show you what I can do so that you're proud of me.

Your little Tammy.

---

I stick my tongue out of my mouth as I write and have to concentrate. So many words but they aren't enough to describe my thoughts enough. My fingers hurt because it's hard to hold this stupid pen but the fear is gone.

Writing, thinking, all of that is exhausting. I don't have the words to tell him what I think and feel but the fear is gone and I know that if I'm good, he will always stay with me.

I don't care what he does to me. The dull feeling I have when I think of him is better, the thumping between my legs whenever I know what he means to me. I don't know what it is. My body feels things that I... I think I've felt them before... But somehow these feelings are also new to me.

It scares me but Finn is here and he's taking care of me.

I close the diary with clumsy fingers and am unhappy with myself. I sniff one last time but I know that it's not my decision whether he punishes me or not.

He's so smart and told me that we'll argue but I know that everything will be fine after that.

With the diary next to me, I snuggle up to Mr. Fluffy and wait for my brother to come and put me to bed. I don't know if I should have this feeling but the thought that he'll take care of it makes me forget about this question.

Instead, I listen through the door and wait for Finn.

---

Maybe it's hours or minutes. I'm having a hard time recognizing this thing called time. But at some point I hear him coming up the stairs.

"He's coming soon, Mr. Fluffy," I whisper excitedly and hug him tightly. All the confusion falls away from me. "He's about to decide about me."

I can hardly wait and I clench my teeth as I hear his steps coming closer.

Then there is a second pair of steps, faster, that seem to be fleeing from him.

"Too late, honey," I hear his voice and both steps stop. "Come here." Slow steps in the hallway in front of my door. "Where are you going?"

"I... I wanted..." It's Jasmine who is talking to him sheepishly. She sounds like I feel, but what scared me before now calms me down. I'm not the only one who's confused. But Finn sounds so clear.

"You wanted to cook dinner, remember?"

"... Yes..." my sister murmurs. "But Finn... I can't and you... and Mom..."

"What? Just because we kissed downstairs does that mean you won't cook for me?"

"Finn, you had her breasts... And Mom..."

"Mom moaned. So what? She liked it. So what? The only thing that should be important to you is that I have food on the table when I get back downstairs."

"Finn, I can't cook," Jasmine says so quietly that I can barely hear her. "Can you... help me?"

Jasmine Lynchwood. +1 (PS -47)

"Then it's time you learn it, right?" My sister doesn't answer, but I listen intently and... Why am I standing in front of the door with my ear pressed to the cold wood? I should stay in bed and be good... But I can jump into his arms when he comes into my room and...

"Okay..."

"Okay?"

"Okay... brother."

"That's good. I'm going to Rose now, and if I experience even one interruption in the next hour, you won't be safe from me anywhere. Understood?"

"Yes brother," Jasmine says immediately and I whisper her words as I listen. Then I hear footsteps rushing down the stairs and step back from the door. I quickly check my casual outfit... but in vain. The door next door opens and Finn disappears into his room.

And me?

I should wait. I should be a good girl.

But I didn't do my job well, I think, as best I can believe.

And I want to go to him.

I know I shouldn't... but...

But I'm already standing in front of his closed door, my ear against the wood.

The loud clinking of pots reaches me from below and somewhere I hear Mom crawling around, probably on all fours, oben to all that can see her.

Michelle Lynchwood. +2 (PS +29)

My whole family...

We've all submitted to him.

And me too.

I don't care about Michelle. I don't care about Jasmine.

Finn is alone in my head. No fear. No insecurity. Just him.

And it feels good. It feels...

Primal.

Like it must be.

So i listen into the room of my brother ans sister,

And what I hear changes me, my family and my world forever.

---

Message from the author:

This time a slightly shorter chapter in the area I started in. I think it's around 3000 words or so. Too much to write another sex scene with Rose. We'll get that in the next chapter. The truth is I wanted to try something new again this time and also include Tammy's diary. Something that has bothered me about other (incredibly good) stories is the (in my opinion) somewhat shallow treatment of various topics. The teddy bear, the diary and things like that should have a bit more space in this story and this chapter was my first attempt to include both while at the same time getting Tammy to a positive PS and in front of Finn's door. Please let me know if I succeeded. I enjoyed it, but it was also an interesting effort. So for a change this chapter was one where I just started writing without knowing exactly what I wanted to achieve. A risk, but I hope I managed it. As far as my schedule goes, now that the holidays are over I will have more time to write. Please understand, however, that I may need a day or two every few chapters because the story is now very broad and I have to think about many strands at the same time. So that can sometimes take a while, but I have to say, now that I can post something again, I'm really looking forward to your likes, comments and the general interaction that you offer me. Thank you for that and for the many comments I can answer right after that. Always makes my day folks.

I welcome the already established regulars, but am always ready and eager to answer new comments, even in old chapters, with exactly the same energy as I usually do.

And thanks again to the donors on Ko-Fi who are making it possible for me to clone the Indominus Rex in Jurassic Park Evolution 2. Keep your fingers crossed that she will be just as white and evil as in the film and that she won't eat the raptors that I have already introduced into her paddock. Oh and the skin from Jurassic Park 3 in 2001 is great. It looks like gray camouflage paint.

Oh and before I forget! By pure chance, I wasn't actually looking for it, it was like in a romantic film, I found Michelle's model (most likely), by CHANCE. Dozens of new pictures. That was a really good start to the new year.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you something. In the Characters chapter there are two polls that are important for my information. I would be happy if you could answer them. Thank you.

There she is, isn't she?

Old....

New...

Okay. Take care and see you in the next chapter with Rose's sensitive titties. Can't wait.