Dear Diary

Dear Diary

Like NO I am sick of writing girly cutesy things about my day and I need to vent soooo much. Candi is sweet, caring and if I need support that girl would run a mile just to be there for me, but I like can’t tell her everything and I know Mommy Mandy would sit in listen to me if I could just get her alone and could tell her things but I totally can’t. All of this is messed up, things were bad that first week but after I tried to get away things got so much worse.

My debit card got taken away and I still don’t know why my account empty and today I just found out I can’t get into the joint account!!!! But that is like getting way ahead of this like whatever you call it. I got dressed up as a preteen girl and people believed it! A little girl tried to be my friend and a boy pulled my hair and all of that felt like it could just be the end of my life I can’t like even be sure if that was worse than when I had to swallow cum and that was the lowest point or at this point one of the lowest points of my life. I have learned how to walk/move/bend like a girl sugar fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck I’m not even allowed to curse and have to actively think about using a real curse word but I was saying something…writing something. When I move I am so use to what I was taught I don’t think about how I wiggle my ass or how my wrists tend to be bent or how I hardly ever move my hands just above waist level. I am **** to always be smiling and one of the only ways I can keep that up is if I distract myself by looking around a room or daydream and both of those just make it look like I can’t stay focused on anything not that I want to be focused on just about anything right now.

My emotions have been going bonkers! I get sad and cry so easily, sometimes I find myself happy for no reason at all, I could be completely embarrassed about something someone said and BOOM emotions say I’m happy and giddy and the same thing happens with me being horny. The other day I was writing in the math work book, god let me tell you about that thing but I was just doing math and suddenly I got incredibly horny for no reason it is like when I was a kid in class and hoping the teacher doesn’t call me to the front because I have a hard on for no reason.

What might be worse than all of that is sometimes I really am like having fun or enjoying myself. Like tonight for example I would never pick nail painting as something I want to do and I totally zoned some of the things they were talking about, trying to focus to get it done right. I told myself it was so I wouldn’t have to do it again, but I WANTED to do a good job. I could just have done it bad enough a few times and they would have said you don’t have to do that anymore, I have done that with Mandy a few times with some chores over the years and jeez even writing it is hard to put down Mandy on the first try after all those flash cards. I know who she is and I know what I would do if I didn’t have this stupid thing trapping my dick. So yeah it is hard to admit that I wanted to do a good job for Candi and even though I don’t want my toes painted seeing the woman I love smiling as she touches my foot and takes her time to get my nails just right made me smile. I know she loves me but I also know how much she always wanted a daughter. She used to talk about how she loved babysitting Becky when she was younger, but talks like that went away when I refused to have children with her, well… I told her if it happens it happens but it wont can’t after I got myself fixed, never told her that and seeing how happy she is with me pretending to be her daughter the thing she always wanted does make me feel happy sometimes… I love her and seeing her happy makes me happy but what makes her happy is me suffering pretending to be something I am not. I AM NOT A TEENAGE GIRL!!! I am a 18 25 year old man!

That man, I hate I want to hate him. I want to hate Derrick Connors but I can’t. The truth is I like him, god he is nice and caring with how he treats me. It feels demeaning to be called princess but he has no relation to me, he could just let Candi keep me occupied as he tries to woo my woman but no he pays me attention, gives me compliments… most of them I do hate. I love my dad, he was a rock and a strong man and was always supportive so long as he had time to think or brew on it like he used to say but he also thought the rearing of children was a womans job, again his words. He always had some old words like rearing that he said, but my mom. My mom sweeter than Candi but instead of pushy like her she did what she could to stay out of my way, saying I was a boy and needed to find my own way. At one point we went six months without talking because she didn’t want to call and interrupt my life because she might be a bother and heck we worked at the same place! Then me… like thinking back I don’t know why I just didn’t pick up the phone and call her or ask her to lunch at work. I was just living my life and I didn’t think about it. But but Derrick… I am being treated like a kid, a delicate little girl and still it is like both him and Mandy are giving me more support and attention then my real parents. God it is weird to say real parents, that man is not my “daddy” and I just have to wait till this summer is over and it can’t be over soon enough for the Connors to just go away. I do want that, I want it so bad I can taste the desire and a part of me will miss Candi, I think I will miss that pushy girl more than I even want to admit to myself. Missing, you know what else I miss DRINKING!

Man I think I could just keep writing and writing here about this, so much more and wow looking back at what I wrote I use the word like way to much and I’m like writing not talking. For now I am Bailey Ann Best, a pretty teenage girl with a room temp IQ, daughter of Amanda Rose Best and I spend my days with my best friend Candace Ann Connors, god I almost wrote Best for Candi like she was my sister. When this summer is over Derrick will go back home and I will be with myself again so long as that PI does his job, I will be with my love again in the way I want, she will have the job she always desired and she deserves she works so hard and I wish I didn’t fight with her about it before. I will get my old life back when summer is over and I guess I will also be losing a great friend. As good as it felt to write this all out, I can’t keep it in the book I have to tear it out and start my “real” diary entry I guess.