Create Profile

Brandi looked up from her phone. "No? You haven't even heard my pitch."

"I've heard enough already," he waved her off.

She scooted closer on the couch and rested her feet beneath her. "Come on. It would be funny."

"It would be stupid," he corrected.

"Those aren't mutually exclusive," she pointed out. Brandi pointed toward the phone screen. "Besides, you'd have the easiest time setting up a profile."

"Oh, really?" Jon smiled despite himself.

"Absolutely." She adopted a serious expression. "One picture of your cock and you'd be drowning in attention." She burst out laughing. "I'm just saying. Half the guys on this app appear to have built entire personas around that strategy."

Jon rubbed his forehead. "That is exactly why I don't want a profile."

"You are no fun," Brandi pouted.

"I'm married." Jon smiled despite himself.

"So am I." Brandi leaned against his shoulder. "You wouldn't actually use the profile."

"Then what's the point?" he rolled his eyes. He glanced at the phone again. Every profile seemed more exaggerated than the last. People weren't presenting themselves so much as advertising themselves. "I already know what would happen," he said.

"Consider it an experiment." Brandi grinned.

Jon shook his head. The whole thing was absurd enough to be entertaining. Brandi set her phone down on the coffee table and turned toward him with a grin that immediately made Jon suspicious.

"You know what the funny part is?" she asked.

"I have a feeling I'm about to find out," he groaned.

"The funny part is that you're acting like this would somehow be embarrassing for you."

Jon laughed. "Brandi, I'm a forty-five-year-old corporate employee whose idea of excitement is finding a parking space near the front door of Home Depot." He shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "What exactly do you think happens if I make one of these profiles?"

"I think you spend five minutes inventing some absurd fantasy version of yourself, and another twenty figuring out which angle makes your dick look the biggest."

"You've put a lot of thought into this," he said. "Melissa is a bad influence."

Brandi leaned closer, resting her elbow on the back of the couch. "Come on. It isn't like we're actually going to meet anybody." Brandi waved dismissively. "People on that app aren't looking for marriage anyway. Half of them aren't even looking for dates. They're looking for attention or random booty calls."

Jon considered that. She wasn't entirely wrong. The whole thing felt more like social media than dating. Most of the profiles seemed designed to attract reactions rather than relationships. Brandi watched him carefully. The moment she saw hesitation, her smile widened. "You're thinking about it."

"I'm thinking about how much trouble this conversation is going to cause me."

She laughed. "Then let me make it easier. If you make a profile, I'll make one too."

Jon stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. "No. Absolutely not."

Brandi looked genuinely surprised. "Why not?"

"Because I know what men want," he said. "Have you seen the people on this app? Half of them are advertising themselves like used cars and the other half seem one bad decision away from a restraining order."

Brandi smiled and tucked one leg beneath her on the couch. "You really think it's fine for you to make a profile but not me?"

Jon set down his beer and gave her a look. "Brandi, if I make a profile, nobody cares. If you make a profile, it's a completely different situation."

Her smile softened slightly. "You really believe that?"

"I'm serious," Jon continued. "I've been watching this app for twenty minutes. The men on there aren't looking for relationships. They're looking for attention, fantasy, validation, whatever you want to call it. You put a picture of yourself on there and they'll be on you like a pack of hyenas."

Brandi burst out laughing. "You think I'm going to have men lined up around the block?"

Jon pointed toward the phone still sitting on the table. "I think you've been looking at that app for fifteen minutes and every third profile belongs to a guy who would happily drive across three states because a woman smiled at him."

Brandi laughed. "You make me sound far more interesting than I actually am." Brandi reached over and squeezed his hand. "Relax. I'm not talking about actually meeting anyone. I'm talking about the same thing you're talking about. A joke. An experiment."

"That's how horror movies begin."

Jon looked at the phone, then at his wife, then back at the phone again. The whole thing was ridiculous. They were two middle-aged married people discussing whether to create fake profiles on a trashy dating app because they had run out of better ways to entertain themselves on a Friday night. And somehow that realization made him laugh.

"Fine," he said. "But if we're doing this, no nude pictures, and no faces or real information."

Brandi's face lit up triumphantly. "Deal."

Jon pointed a finger at her before she could celebrate. Every instinct told him this was a terrible idea. Unfortunately, every instinct had also told him that letting Brandi win an argument was usually easier than trying to outlast her.

Brandi studied him for a moment, then smiled more softly. "You know that's kind of sweet, right? The fact that you're worried." Jon opened his mouth to argue, then stopped because he realized she was right. Brandi slid closer and rested her head against his shoulder. "It's just a joke, Jon. A silly experiment."

Jon narrowed his eyes. "And no nude pictures."

"Of course not." Brandi's answer came so quickly that it was almost suspicious. Her innocent expression lasted approximately two seconds before she started laughing.

"That response was way too fast."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm offended that you'd even think that." She laughed harder and wrapped an arm around his. "Relax. We're just making profiles."

He studied his hands, the weight of the dare settling in. "What picture would I even use?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Brandi shrugged, a casual gesture that felt deliberate. "I'm sure we could find one." The unspoken implication lingered, a direct line from her gaze to his crotch.

Jon hesitated, his fingers tapping a nervous rhythm on his knee. "My penis? I don't know, Brandi."

She gave him a small, encouraging smile, the kind she used when he was anxious about a work presentation. "It's just a silly game," she murmured, her gaze soft. "No offense, but even I couldn’t pick you out of a line-up just by your dick. That’s as good as anonymous. The gentle persuasion in her voice was familiar, a thread of their shared history.

The words hung between them, a fragile truce in the quiet room. Jon exhaled, a soft sound of surrender. "Okay," he said, the single word a bridge into unknown territory. He pulled out his own phone, his movements stiff. He opened the app store, the blue light washing over his features.

Brandi leaned closer, her shoulder almost touching his, watching the download progress bar fill. A new, shared tension crackled in the quiet space between them. She felt a jolt, a mix of thrill and apprehension, as she tapped the 'Create Profile' button.