Clarity and shame

When Alan opened his eyes, it was an unfamiliar ceiling that graced his vision, causing him to start up suddenly. At the low groan next to him, he turned and saw the sleeping figure of Caroline, and the memories of the previous night began filling his sleep-addled mind.

“Holy shit…” He muttered as quietly as possible as he extricated himself from the bed as quietly as possible. He scanned the room and began gathering his discarded clothes.

As he slid his shirt back on he turned and looked back to the bedroom, Caroline was still dead asleep, sprawled across the mattress, a mess of sheets and comforter.

Alan had not ever been in this situation before. Hooking up and one-night-stands were not in his repertoire. Nor, he had to admit, was the majority of what had happened last night and he was trying to reconcile that. The supernatural influence he had may have got him here but that didn’t account for…the aggression.

Alan’s sexual escapades had previously veered more towards the gentle, vanilla side of things. He had, in the past, fantasized about rougher sex, taking control, using his partner as an object, but that’s all it had ever been: fantasies. He had never had the gumption to pursue it in his waking life, and honestly had always felt some shame at the thoughts he had.

Now? Alan thought the biggest thing he was feeling guilt over was the lack of guilt he actually felt.

“I didn’t MAKE her do anything after all,” Alan thought as he inched towards the do, “Sure I put some feelings in places, but it was her decision ultimately. She even said it was hot, so really…I can’t be in the wrong here”

Something felt wrong about this logic, but Alan wasn’t quite ready to confront that as he opened the door and went to leave. But only a few steps out the door and Alan cursed and turned around.

“Shit,” He walked back into the home and went to the kitchen. He quickly made a cup of coffee and some toast, grabbing a note and jotting down his phone number and a quick “Sorry, didn’t want to wake you but I needed to get moving. Last night was great.”

Alan stared at the note and tried not to focus on how much a dweeb he felt over the last sentence but placed the note with the toast and coffee and dropped them by Caroline’s bedside table. And only having done that left the apartment.

“Stupid Stupid Stupid…” Alan said to the beat of his feet moving down the stairwell. “Real smooth, can’t even pull off a simple hook up without ending it like a dork, augh!” He ran his hands through his hair and tossed his head up, earning a look from another man in the hall as he finally exited the building.

“It just didn’t feel right…” He thought, “Not to mention fucking proving that demon right…several times over. I don’t even know what I’m doing with this thing at this point. I shouldn’t be doing jack all with it.”

Alan stuffed his hands in his pockets. One thing was clear, this flying from the seat of his pants approach? Not working out, at least for his mental health.

“I need to understand this better…how it works, the limits. I can’t make rules for it otherwise. So testing it on people is all I can do. It’s scientific inquiry and the responsible thing to do…yeah” His pace quickened as he just caught a passing bus.

“Alright, got a plan, Home first…change clothes…then a testing ground” Alan resolved to himself, finding the same seat on the bus where he had met that she-devil just two nights ago.