Chuck Lorre.

"Hi," you say simply.

"Hey," says a clearly-male voice. "Is this John Doe?"

"Yes," you answer. "Who's this?"

"Chuck Lorre," says the voice.

You can't believe it! Chuck Lorre, creator of "Two and a Half Men", "The Big Bang Theory"... Heck, half of CBS's schedule, is calling YOU! What for?! You decide to ask him.

"What do you need, Chuck?" you ask, as though this phone call is a normal event.

"Well, I'm over on the set. Kaley just had some sort of ego-booster talk with her agent. She got the idea the show needs her more than she needs us. A couple of minutes of Internet-surfing later, and she's out looking for you."

"Me?!" you ask. "Why me?!"

"Well," Chuck responds. "She found some things you wrote about her on the 'Net. She also found some pictures of you... Then, she ran out of the studio, claiming she was going to find out what a 'fanboy' experience was REALLY like."

You can do nothing better than stammer for a while, until there is a knock at your door.