Chapter 55 – Talk with Grace

If nothing else, the look of surprise on Grace’s face is completely worth the stop at the grocery store. Setting down the grocery bags I stand up and run my hands up and down my sides. I know it looks like a stripper move, but that’s the part of my body that aches and for just a moment, I need that little bit of massage. I break out in giggles when I finish and Grace is still staring at me eyes wide and mouth agape, “Hey, I’m not completely useless!”

Grace shakes head back into clarity and smiles as she approaches me. When she wraps her arms around me, I feel the chills run down my spine and my whole body respond to her touch. When her lips touch mine, I lose my nerve for a moment and figure we don’t need to talk about anything after all.

Finally, Grace stops kissing me, leaving me standing with my mouth all agape just like hers was. Grace gestures to one of the dining room chairs as she takes one for herself, “Paris, Dr. Martin called. We chatted for a bit, but she said that you had something you needed to talk to me about and that you might have trouble with. I don’t know what this is about but let me tell you that you can tell me anything. No matter what happens, I’ll always be in your corner. I’ll always be here for you.”

I nod both to myself and to Grace. Of course, Suzy would call. She knows me well enough to guess that I’d probably just slip into a subby role with Grace and a conversation wouldn’t come up. Hell, didn’t I tell her once that Grace and I went four days without me starting any conversations whatsoever. God, those days felt so great! “Yeah, I know that, Grace. If there’s anybody that I trust right now, it’s you. I don’t think this is anything bad and it’s not exactly what Suzy wanted me to talk to you about, but I do think we need to talk.”

I’ve kept Grace up to date with most of my therapy sessions. I figured that if for no other reason, it was good to say it all out loud again so that it was clear in my head what exactly I’ve told to Suzy, what I’ve withheld from her, and what truths I’ve stretched or outright changed to fit into her perfect Paris therapy theory. So, telling Grace what Suzy and I talked about today isn’t any different and I lay it all out. Where I tend to blush when Suzy talks bluntly about my sex life, Grace seems to enjoy it. As if she likes hearing about herself from my perspective.

“So, what Suzy wants is for us to have less sex so that I can focus more on sex with Mal and what she thinks is Darnell. It’s probably worth noting that I don’t really have sex with Mal, we mutually masturbate each other. It’s different. And I don’t have sex with Darnell at all, it’s just the code word way I can talk about a sexual relationship with Trixie. So, frankly I don’t want to reduce our sex at all. I enjoy it. But there is our relationship. I think you’ll agree that we went from friends to domme and subby lovers really fast. I know it’s because of the feminine way I look now, but it was still a very fast change, and I don’t think we ever really sat down and talked through it.”

Grace sits up more and more stiffly as I talk, and I get the sense that what I’m saying isn’t exactly going over well with her. When I stop she just sits there staring at me and it takes all my willpower to not just wilt under that gaze. It feels wrong to simply sit and look back at her, like I’m going to be punished for it, but I know that’s the subby part of me squeezing out of all my pores and right now I have to push that to the side. After what feels like two and a half eternities Grace’s eyes open a bit wider and she relaxes back in her chair. Slowly her face melts, transforming from a stern mean dominatrix to a calm friendly buddy. When she talks, I can hear her own disbelief and am thankful that it’s not disbelief in me, but disbelief in herself. “God Damn Paris, you’re right. I never thought about it because we both just slipped right into our roles. I mean, it’s like I picked you up at a bondage and discipline club. I guess because you physically changed so dramatically it was easy to forget you were Jamie. On an intellectual basis I know you’re my roommate, the male white cis hetero photographer. But on an emotional basis, you haven’t been him in months. You’ve been…” she gestures up and down indicating my body “…this.”

I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in and lean forward, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean. It felt so right, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t want this at all… I do… but it feels like we should at least talk about it. Acknowledge it. You know how much I struggled after getting home, after the surgeries, but a part of that was something that I didn’t feel like I could share with you. You see, part of the struggle… and it’s still here… is what is my life going to be after. I don’t want to stay in this body, and I know that means we won’t be together like this. But more, I don’t know if I can return to being Jamie. I mean, just simple things like my face. How close can they get back to the old me? Are all these hormones going to permanently affect me? I know at least I won’t have any body hair since they can’t make it grow back. What about my waist? Will I have an hourglass shape forever? And since these are all things that you like about me, about ‘Paris Me’ I didn’t feel like I could talk to you about it. Does that… am I making sense?”

Grace reaches forward toward my hands but stops herself before she touches me, slowly withdrawing her hands back to look at me seriously, “Yes, you are making sense Paris. Jamie. It makes me realize how selfish I’ve been. And I don’t consider myself a selfish domme. I look after my girls. But yeah, looking after you as my girl is ignoring the fact that you aren’t my girl. That you aren’t a girl. I’m sorry for that… Jamie.”

Now it’s my turn to reach forward, but I don’t stop until I have Grace’s hands cupped in between mine. “No, don’t think like that. This isn’t on you. I not only let you think that, I pushed you into thinking like that. I know you’re a domme and I know that you’re a lesbian. Yeah, it was a surprise the first few times you looked at me like that, and the next few times was pure sexual curiosity on my side. Heh… how many guys fantasize about being with a woman in a lesbian relationship!? But I knew we should have had a talk then as I was finding myself slipping down what you’ve always called that special subby slide. I never understood it and probably never would have until I experienced it. Yeah, it’s strong. It feels so amazing to feel so cared for. To just let go and focus on YOU instead of ME. To let all the decisions just come from you and give up that part. Anyway, don’t be sorry. This might not be permanent, but I don’t regret it. Okay?”

Grace’s face returns to its natural smiling form as she pulls her hands from mine, stands up, and wraps me into a tight hug. “Okay.”

Once we make out a bit and move into the living room we continue our conversation, even though we’re tilting into that power imbalance again with me sitting across Grace’s lap. “I think the biggest thing for me is knowing that you’re on my side and that I’m not hurting you. I love being your subby girl but, I mean, I’m not going to be this forever. Even with what they’ve done to my body, I’m going to get back to being a man. So, are you okay with this? With this being temporary?”

Grace looks almost sad but answers slowly as if figuring out her answer just as the words are slipping from her mouth. “Yes? I mean, I have to be okay with it. Right? It’s your life and as much as I love this new you, I don’t want you to be this if you don’t want to. But I can’t promise that I won’t try and make you WANT to stay like this. Regardless, having you now and for only a few months is better than not having you at all. And its way better than being close to you and NOT having you. So yes, I’m okay with it. The real question is, are YOU okay with it? You say you don’t want to be a girl, but Paris you are VERY into being a good girl when you’re with me.”

I can’t help but blush a bit but try not to keep slipping down that subby path and instead keep this frame mind for the rest of this conversation. “I think that’s just me finding solace in something that I can’t avoid. I can’t NOT be Paris right now, so I have to get some enjoyment out of it. Either that or go mad. Being happy, being with you, being YOUR girl, makes it possible for me to grin and bear being Mal’s girl in the office. And now, being his girl on date night.”

Grace’s fingers start gliding up and down my inner thigh sending delicious shivers up and down my whole body. I can even hear the drop in her voice as she’s growing more into her domme self and pulling me into her gravity well, “Okay Paris. I’ll take what I can get, and I’ll treat you like my pretty little subby bondage princess. Now, I know that there’s people out there that believe in safe words. That if I push you past any limits, you have a way of slowing the action down or making us stop and talk. That’s fine for them, but it’s not how I operate. With me it’s one hundred percent or nothing. In other words, you can say no all you want, but I’m going to keep doing what I think is best for you. If you say no loud enough and say it often enough, I’ll just show you what a big red ball gag tastes like.”

I hadn’t considered that before, of what we’d do if Grace met some limit that I didn’t know I had. I hadn’t really said no to her yet, but I always thought she’s stop if I did say no. Just as I open my mouth to tell her we need to work something out Grace’s eyes lock on mine and the intensity behind them, the heat, the power, is enough to stifle anything I was going to say. When she speaks it’s with that tremendous combination of caring and dominance that just melts me from within. “IF you reach a breaking point, where you cannot do what I’m having you do, or can’t endure what I’m doing TO you, then you will do this.”

Grace holds up her hand and touches her ring finger to her thumb. She then taps it repeatedly. “Go ahead. Try it.”

I bring my hand up so that we can both see it without turning our heads and mimic her action. It becomes abundantly clear why she chose this action. While it looks simple and easy enough, it’s not something my muscles feel comfortable doing. It’s not something I’ll be doing accidentally. And after only a few taps, I feel the burn in my forearm meaning I’d have to really want to repeat that action to keep doing it over and over again.

Grace seeing my comprehension just nods and continues in that caring and powerful voice, “Good. I shouldn’t ever have your fingers bound so you’ll always be able to do that. Just make sure that I see it and I’ll stop everything. BUT, when I say I’ll stop everything I need you to understand, I’ll stop EVERYTHING. I can’t stand having a girl that can’t take what I want to give and that’s exactly what you’d be saying. So, I’ll untie you and undress you and free you, but I’ll never put you in a similar situation again. We’ll be friends, but we won’t ever be lovers after that. Is that understood?”

Grace’s fingers reach under my chin and prevent me from dipping my gaze down, keeping me looking right into her piercing eyes. I feel that shard in my heart at even thinking about losing Grace, and say the only thing that comes to mind, that conveys my feelings. “Yes Ma’am.”

Grace stands up, barely giving me time to get my feet under me and avoid being spilled onto the floor at her feet. With a quick grab of my wrist, Grace guides us into her bedroom. As soon as I see the bed I feel a thrill run through my whole body as she’s already laid out the ropes and cuffs on her bed posts. When she lets go of my wrist and lays out on the bed, I take my new cue and turn the music on. Tonight, I strip to Portishead’s song Glory Box.

Now that I no longer am hiding my body under the faja, both Grace and I have found that disrobing can be a lot more fun. She really enjoys watching me undress and I really enjoy taking it slow and making it a show for her. She’s never told me verbally what she thinks of my body since I came back from the hospital. But at times like this, when I see her eyes wandering over my nude flesh, the lust growing intense behind her vision, I don’t need to hear her words. I know that she likes what she sees.

Before long she has me once again tied up on her bed. Spread eagled on my back with my head near the foot of the bed this time. When she bends over me, I smile and sigh, seeing that she’s also disrobed. We kiss for only a few moments before she moves further down my body and finds one of my nipples to start nibbling at. At the same time with the way she’s leaning over me, her breast is at the perfect angle that I too can nibble and suckle on her offered nipple.

Mirror nights like this are amazing in so many ways as Grace finds way to let me mimic any action she does to me, ending of course with us nestled in a warm sixty-nine position licking each other to heaven.