Chapter 43 – The prosthetic

Both Dr. Montgomery and the medical assistant can tell that I’m anxious, but they’re way off on what’s causing it. Dr. Montgomery seems especially proud as she goes over the prosthetic but it’s the first part that really shocks me and takes the wind completely out of my sails, “It’s okay Paris, some people react to the twilight anesthesia differently, we’ll stay with you until you’re okay. You just got your female genitalia prosthetic applied and it went well. This is the short-term prosthetic so it will only stay on for about three weeks, but until then nothing this side of a skin graft is going to pull it off of you…”

It’s around that point that the ringing in my ears starts up. Where I can see Dr. Montgomery and her million dollar smile still talking to me but can only hear a faint buzzing and catch a few of her words. I try to nod along but it’s taking almost all of my willpower to not pull my skirt up and my panties down to see what they’ve done to me. I can’t feel anything, not even the normal tightness I experience when pushed back by my gaff, but she’s said something about a numbing agent?

I finally come back to the conversation and hear Dr. Montgomery ask, “Would you like some time to see it again? I know it’s frustrating that we can’t precisely say when your memories return. You examined yourself when we finished up in the procedure room, but I’m getting the sense that you’d like to look again. Maybe look again, for the first time?”

I nod emphatically, “Yes! Yes, I’d like to take a look at it myself. And… um… can I see Dr. Gold? I… uh… I, like have something to ask him.”

Dr. Mongomery gives me an unusual smile but says she’ll get Dr. Gold for me. She shows me the three-way mirror in the room before walking out and locking the door behind her to give me privacy. As she and the medical assistant leave, I understand the smile she shined at me as I overhear her say, “She and Dr. Gold know each other from before. She probably wants a man to see her. Perfectly understandable.”

As soon as the door is closed, I jump up from my chair and practically sprain my ankle trying to maintain my balance on my heels and still run to the mirror. Hiking my skirt up I see the familiar smooth panty line but note that I don’t have my gaff on. Pulling down my panties I let out a quiet moan of despair when I see what’s there. Or rather, what’s not there.

Between my legs are the lovely fleshy folds of a pussy. Of my pussy. Reaching down I run my fingers over it and have the bizarre sensation from feeling it with my finger, but not feeling my finger touch me, even though I can clearly see it in the mirror. And to my fingers it feels like a woman’s pussy. It’s fleshy, warm, and giving. There is a bit of moisture on the folds, but nothing overt.

A sudden knock at the door makes me pull up my panties and smooth my skirt back out as I walk over and unlock it. Stephen slowly opens the door and peeks around the door before stepping in. “Sorry Paris, Dr. Montgomery said you wanted to see me and seemed a bit out of sorts after your procedure. Are you okay?”

My voice sounds so small as I talk, but I can’t help it. I’m near panicking and trying to control my emotions, “no. no, i’m not okay stephen. you gotta tell me what happened. what do i have on between my legs because i thought dr. montgomery said this thing would stay on here for weeks and now i’m freaking out. like a lot!”

Stephen guides me back to the chair where I was sitting and crouches down beside me. We go over everything, from telling Suzy about having issues tucking, to not listening to her options, to thinking I could rely on Stephen, to being blindsided by Dr. Lockwood, to not understanding as he haphazardly described the different prosthetics, to being scared and nervous when Stephen told me about signing the agreement for all the feminization surgeries, to getting the twilight anesthesia and finally waking up to this.

Stephen has obviously dealt with emotionally upset people before as he does a good job of calming me down. At no time does he laugh even though once we put everything together, we see that it’s a huge comedy of errors and that there’s no one to blame but myself. Instead, he keeps comforting me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. He tells me that even though this prosthetic product is in testing, it’s been used dozens of times and is actually highly sought after with nothing but glowing recommendations.

When I zoom out and put all the pieces together, this is how I understand what happened. I told Suzy that I was having problems tucking since my lovers would see it. I meant to convey that they saw my erection tenting my gaff and panties, but she must have thought I was upset at them seeing my penis at all. Understandable as many transgendered women would feel that way. The normal recommendation is a false female genitalia set of briefs. More or less skin-colored panties that I could pull on and tuck under that would hold me flat like the gaff, but at a glance would make me look female. Suzy, knowing that I have seen a surgeon that works at a clinic specializing in feminization, knew that there were ‘better’ options available that could do more than fool someone for more than a second. Hence the options that Dr. Lockwood gave.

The first was a set of briefs similar to what was described, but that would be molded to my skin tone and would be glued into place. It could then be blended in with special makeup and unless it was touched or looked at extremely closely, would fool most people. But the glue that made it form fitting also made it impossible to use long term as it needed to be removed just to use the bathroom, hence the warning about carrying adhesive remover and extra adhesive.

I’m currently in the second option. A similar prosthetic, but one that’s designed to be worn for weeks at a time. The numbing agent makes sure my testicles can be pushed up while my penis is pulled back very securely. Not enough to damage them, but plenty far enough that it would be uncomfortable otherwise. They are also able to insert a specialized long-term catheter so that I’ll be able to pee… though it will come out of my female genitalia, making me have to sit down to urinate just like a woman. It’s a made of a far more durable material and is dyed to match my skin as the adhesive is applied, meaning someone would have to be right next to it to tell that it’s fake. The adhesive they use is specially formulated, as is the materials of the prosthetic, so that it will breathe and let my skin be okay but obviously I couldn’t have hair growing under it, hence the permanent hair removal.

The third option sounds truly horrifying. That one is very similar to this but is designed for as much function as it can accommodate. The penis is ‘mostly’ numbed as it has to be routed differently with the head pulled differently, making it line up where a woman’s clitoris would be. That would allow the ‘user’ to experience sexual pleasure but only in a method like a woman. That prosthetic also has a small pouch built in. It’s not nearly large enough to accommodate a penis or truly penetrative sex, but it could accommodate fingers. It even has a reservoir of lubricant that it will excrete when the penis tries to grow hard and presses up against its actuator. In other words, a user wearing this could have a ‘lover’ finger them, give them pleasure, get ‘wet’ and even cum. And with the similar catheter, the ‘cum’ would come out and add to the lubricant pool.

The adhesive used in the prosthetic I’m currently wearing is designed to gradually dry and wear out. It lasts between three and six weeks. Once it starts to detach from the body, normal users can either reapply the adhesive themselves or come in and have it professionally re-applied.

The adhesive on the longer-term prosthetic is designed for far longer use. While it is breathable as well as the prosthetic material being breathable, the adhesive isn’t designed to dry out. It stays adhered until enough skin grows underneath it to detach it. Normally that would take four to six weeks, but the adhesive inhibits skin growth, extending that to just over three months. The only other way to remove it is to literally slice it off which means taking a layer of skin with it. A layer of skin on your groin.

If I had that applied, I’d be screwed and have to wait months for it to come off. Stephen tells me that I do have options with this one though. First, I can wait until it naturally comes off which should be roughly the time of my Septoplasty. Second, I can wait a couple weeks, and return to have it removed, but it’s a surgical procedure with both the risks and costs associated with any skin grafting surgery procedure. Third, if I absolutely can’t live with it, I can have Stephen cut round the edge of the adhesive and remove the bulk of it. I’d be left with a ribbon of fake flesh around my groin where the edges of the prosthetic currently are, but my penis and testicles would be free. My penis and scrotum, however, would remain numbed even without the prosthetic over them, for at least a couple weeks and I may even need to remain catheterized.

I don’t even have to ask as my luck only seems to be swinging in one direction. I just know that my insurance wouldn’t cover removing this surgically. And while I appreciate Stephen offering his services to take it off in an emergency method, the idea of needing a cath for weeks is almost as bad as having this fake pussy on for a month.

I begrudgingly thank Stephen for being a good friend and helping me out, even if it was after the fact. While I want to be angry with him for not ‘saving’ me from this fate, it was a fate of my own making. He does at least include removing the prosthetic during my Septoplasty procedure whether the adhesive is fully detached or not, meaning that after my sinus surgery I will return to having my penis accessible at no additional cost.

The train ride to Suzy’s is nerve wracking. Once I finish up with Stephen, I gather all of my things and leave without taking a second look at my new self. I know that I’m going to want to do more than look at it and that’s something best done in the privacy of home. It’s just frustrating that I have to hold off until after I have a ‘check in’ with my gender therapist.

When I finally get into her office, I smooth out my skirt and take my normal seat. Suzy jumps right in, “So, I talked to Malachi, and he told me that you thanked him. Tell me how that went.”

Having prepared for this conversation, I give Suzy a made-up conversation that I say happened several days ago. I base it off of the real conversation that Mal and I had, just attributing my nerves to opening up to my office superior instead of admitting my nerves were from having to say those things to him at all.

Suzy thankfully doesn’t dig too deep, and we talk just briefly about how it made me feel, with her encouraging me to open up more and more often with Mal. “Remember Paris, He’s the strongest masculine presence in your life right now. Whether you are or aren’t having a relationship with him and whether you do or don’t have romantic feelings toward him, he’s still a man that you work for and that you’re seeking approval from. Even if it’s on a subconscious level, you’ll be judging yourself by how much you please him. Just allow yourself the possibility of being romantically involved with him, that’s all I ask.”

We move on to the prosthetics. I give her a version of the consultation I had with Dr. Lockwood where I actually knew what was going on instead of the state of confusion I really was in. I figure as long as I have to wear this prosthetic, I may as well get some milage out of it with my gender therapist by taking credit for it instead of admitting it was a mistake. “So, after all that I picked the middle option. I thought it would be better than dealing with it day in and day out, but it lets me try it without committing to it for months at a time. And, um, it’s great. It looks so real.”

Suzy seems genuinely pleased, “That’s wonderful Paris. I have to admit that I doubted you’d go for any type of longer-term solution. I’m glad that you’re taking this next step of committing to your feminization in a way that you can’t just shrug off, even if it’s just for a few weeks. You know, now that you tell me this, it makes everything else fall into place. I was holding off on approving your procedures with your insurance company but when I heard that you’d taken this prosthetic, I went ahead and sent in the approval. I’m glad I did now as they’ll be able to get it through their system faster. When are you getting everything else done?”

I tilt my head to the side, fearing what I’m hearing, “Wait, what? What procedures? I don’t have anything else planned besides my sinus surgery.”

Suzy checks her notes before looking back up at me, “It’s right here. The Sculpted Dream clinic sent over the formal approval request for a variety of feminization surgeries. Everything from facial softening to breast implants. Are they wrong in that?”

I lean forward and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Yes, they’re wrong. We talked about it today and I got the corrected. Dr. Gold and I talked about all of those procedures… um.. to give me an idea of what might be coming up for me. But I don’t want them done now.”

Suzy nods as she makes a last note and closes her book, “That’s a very prudent response Paris. At least you know that I would approve such procedures as I believe you’re ready for those things even if you don’t. Go with the flow of this and keep chipping away at it and you’ll be comfortable with your femininity before you know it. Hey, we can revisit this after you’ve had your prosthetic on for a couple weeks. Seeing yourself female ‘down there’ might change your mind!”