Catwoman Reasons With Herself

The twin thieves gasped for air and eyeballed one another. Waiting for one of them to make a move. Selina would have been more than happy to return the favor but no matter how she looked at it there wasn't an opening she could exploit. Not without getting pulled into a bear hug. If this woman really was her, she wasn't going to wait for much longer.

That's when it hit her. If this Catwoman knew her moves, she knew everything about her and vice versa. Selina held her hands up and shouted, "Wait! I can prove I'm not a fake. I know you're Selina Kyle and the truth about Batman."

Her corpulent combatant hissed and narrowed her gaze. "That's old news. Everyone knows Batman's identity. Ever since it was revealed to the world."

"Okay, fine. You have a cat named Isis who you love dearly, even though she used a Van Gogh you stole as a scratching post."

"So what? Are you going to guess my mother's maiden name next?"

She was right. If Selina was going to prove she was the real deal, she would have to dig deep and share something she wouldn't share with another living soul. Not even Batman. She'd rather be declawed but **** times called for **** measures. Fat Catwoman lunged forward and Selina confessed, "When we were growing up and couldn't afford a decent meal...we bought and ate cat food!"

Fat Catwoman slammed into Selina, knocking her to the ground, and pinned her to the ground. Selina lacked the strength to push her off and was sure she was done for. Sweat dripped down off the larger of the two and her belly was like a sweaty sofa cushion stuffed with lard. With any luck, her atrocious BO would be enough to make her pass out. Fat Catwoman leaned in, her claws dug into the floor on either side of Selina's head, and asked her one question. "What brand?"

Selina gagged on her counterpart's breath and groaned, "Neptune's Buffet." Just imagining the wet cat food worsened her nausea. Fat Catwoman pushed herself up and stared awestruck at Selina. "God, I haven't thought about that in years. I wonder if they've improved the flavor?"

"Does that mean you believe me? And get off of me?" Selina heard a crunch and wasn't sure if that was some rubble or a rib.

"Hmmm... I guess it wouldn't be the strangest thing I've seen. And no imposter could pull off our look as well as us."

Selina couldn't deny that. For a grotesque glutton, Fat Catwoman still maintained an air of grace and confidence even when that air was stale and rotten. Although it almost sounded like Selina's double was flirting with her. She wrote it off as being boastful. Selina pushed out from between Fat Catwoman's feet and got back on her feet. "I'm sure you have just as many questions as I do but before we get started, is it true what you said about Bat-... about Bruce?"

Fat Catwoman's face fell when asked that. Selina offered her a hand and helped her up. "I'd rather not talk about that just yet, if that's alright."

"Of course," said Selina, realizing what a sensitive topic that must be. "Why don't we continue this somewhere more...private? The Batcave is still in one piece, right?"

Fat Catwoman chuckled. "Did you think I slept out here?"

"It wouldn't be the worst place we've slept."

Fat Catwoman lead her skinny self to the derelict ruins of a grand lounge. A beams of moonlight shined through the myriad of holes in the ceiling. Thankfully, the Catwomen were equipped with night-vision goggles and could see just fine. Everything from the grand piano to the book shelves were covered in a fine layer of dust. The only sign of anything being used recently was the fireplace. A couple scraps of burnt newspaper sticking out of the ashes. This wasn't her first time in Wayne Manor and Selina always felt it had a somber aura but without Bruce and Alfred, it was more like a mausoleum. Fat Catwoman's alarming farts kept Selina distracted from thinking about Bruce's fate and drowned out her own, lighter toots.

"Have you always been a gasbag or is this a recent development?" Selina didn't mean to sound rude but her curiosity, much like the gas she inhaled, couldn't be held in any longer.

"Oh, sorry. It's sort of second nature at this point. You can't really put a cork in it but you do get used to it. Maybe even learn to like it." Fat Catwoman stopped beside a grandfather clock and hiked up a leg to spew a thunderous fart that could be measured on the Richter scale. Selina coughed and fanned the air, astounded that there was a version of her that could enjoy this. Fat Catwoman spun the minute hand on the clock and then the hour hand. When she stopped, the clock slid to the right and the book cases parted. Revealing an elevator that opened for the two of them.

The elevator could fit three people but whoever built it did not take into account everyone in the world turning into slobs. As a result, the Catwomen rode down with their backs to the walls and their bellies pressed together. They rode down in silence, save for the odd fart squeaking out. Selina was relieved when they finally reached the Bat Cave and squeezed out of the elevator. It didn't smell much better but it was an improvement. Luminescent lights illuminated the expansive cave and the metal walkway in front of them. As well as all the garbage littering the floor and the mattresses piled in the corner.

"Make yourself comfortable while I turn off the security. If you need to use the "litterbox", she go over the railing." Fat Catwoman offered. "It'll be years before we need to worry about this place filling up."

Selina crinkled her nose at the gesture and was glad that she didn't need a bathroom break. She did need a suit but doubted her doppelganger had any spares in her size. The only thing keeping her bodysuit attached was the sweat she'd accumulated through the day. If she didn't get a change of clothes soon, she'd have to prance about in her birthday suit. Though she doubted anyone in this world would mind.

Fat Catwoman accessed the Batcomputer and tapped a few buttons that made the computer ding. "There, now you don't have to worry about triggering any traps and we can get down to business. What would you like to know first?"