CHAPTER 20

Tim woke to the soft hum of the refrigerator and the dim glow of the Tri-Sigma living room’s lamp, the one they always left on for girls coming home late. He was still curled on the sorority’s downstairs couch, the same cramped spot he had been sleeping on for the past three nights. A thin throw blanket was bunched up around his legs, half slipping to the floor, and the cushions smelled faintly of vanilla body spray and old textbooks.

It was a great deal better than the floor in the frat house, still this wasn’t his house.

It wasn’t his room. He was so alone back home but now it was worse he wasn't just alone he was AN outcast. This wasn’t even where he was supposed to be. It was simply where he had ended up, but at least it wasn't him living on the streets or in jail. every time he opened his eyes, there was that split second where he hoped he would feel like himself again.

It never came.

He pulled the blanket up and sat slowly against the armrest. The soft cotton of the borrowed pajama shirt shifted against his skin, the fabric thinner and lighter than anything he used to wear. The pants were the same, girl pajama bottoms with a pastel pattern he hadn’t chosen. Underneath them, he could still feel the snug, unfamiliar shape of the panties Sarah had slipped into his folded laundry without asking. He hadn’t told her no. He hadn’t told her anything.

He didn’t feel like someone who had the right to refuse.

The house was quiet, the kind of stillness that left room for his thoughts to rise up whether he wanted them or not. He curled his knees a little tighter, drawing the blanket closer, as if that thin fabric was supposed to protect him from the memories pressing in on him.

A few days had passed since that night with Jake, but the shame stuck to him like sweat. It wasn’t just the date, or the way Jake had touched him, or the way Tim had leaned in without thinking. It wasn’t even the moment in the car that Tim refused to name out loud, the thing he tried to bury every time it crept up behind his eyes. What haunted him most was how he had felt in those moments. How the attention had warmed something inside him in a way he couldn’t understand. How the wine had taken the edge off his fear and made everything blurry and soft and confusing. He kept telling himself it was the ****. That it had to be. But the feeling lingered anyway.

He didn’t know if it scared him more that it had happened

or that part of him wished it didn’t feel so good to be wanted.

He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to push the thought away. It always came back. So did the memory of how this all started. Not the date. Not the dress. The first moment. The real one.

Him in one of the sorority bedrooms on a mission to prove himself. Then came Elaine’s voice. He could easily remember… Still feel really his heart pounding in his ears.

The threat of calling the police.

He had seen the panic in Sarah’s eyes, the way Elaine had stepped forward, the way he had been cornered with no exit. He had agreed to anything in that moment. Anything to avoid being marched out in handcuffs. Anything to avoid a record, a scandal, a future-ending mistake.

‘That’s why Tammy exists’ he reminded himself. ’Because I was afraid. It.. Tammy was the path to survival. A **** trade, one that cost me more than

I could imagine.’

Tammy was their mercy for his transgression, but in the end he wasn't sure how he got talked into going on the panty raid to begin with or why he had been so thrilled to do it. He pressed his forehead against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

He couldn’t go back to Omega Omega Kappa. That was impossible. If Jake hadn’t talked, he would soon. They all would. And Tim could already picture their faces. The sneers. The laughter. The disgust. The pity. He felt sick imagining it.

He also couldn’t stay here. Not as himself. The Tri-Sigma girls were kind, but they weren’t blind. He wasn’t one of them. Not really. He was a boy and this was sorority.

Shaking his head an intrusive thought crept in. ‘ Am I even a boy? What kind of man does what I did?’

The living room felt too big and too small at the same time, a place he was allowed to sleep but not to belong. He pulled the blanket up to his chin and curled into the couch cushions like he was trying to disappear into the fabric.

He didn’t belong at the frat. He didn’t belong at the sorority.

And he didn’t feel like he belonged in his own skin.

Not for the first time in his life, Tim felt like a person without a place.

Or a version of himself he could return to, he felt lost without a map. He whispered into the empty room, barely audible. “I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or who…”

The house didn’t answer. Nor did any of the sorority members appear. Part of him was terrified that it meant he really had nowhere left to be.

Tim stared at the blank television screen across the room, the gray reflection of his own shape barely visible in the glass. He didn’t turn it on. He couldn’t stomach the noise right now. It could bring attention to him and that might mean he would be told to leave.The quiet hurt, but it was better than what would come flooding in if he tried to distract himself.

He imagined walking back into Omega Omega Kappa,the thought alone made his stomach twist into knots.

Tim pictured himself stepping through the door, trying to look normal, trying to pretend nothing had happened. He imagined the way the brothers would stare up from the couch, eyes narrowing, the smirks forming as they took in his clothes or the slump in his posture. He imagined someone making a joke, or asking where he had been, or saying Tammy’s name with that awful sarcastic lilt Jake could pull off so easily.

He imagined Jake being there.

Jake looked at him.

Jake knowing and speaking “You know Tammy didn't do such a bad blow job, just think the little slut needs more practice. Tim, do you know when she will be around again?”

His chest squeezed tight.

Even if Jake never said a word, even if he kept everything secret out of his own embarrassment, Tim knew he couldn’t walk back in there. Not with what he did. Not with how he felt. Not with the memory of leaning in, wanting to feel wanted, wanting to feel… anything.

He hugged the throw blanket closer.

Going back wasn’t an option. That home was gone.

He turned his head toward the stairs, toward the space where the Tri Sigma girls slept. The sorority house was warm, welcoming, full of laughter and inside jokes he could hear drifting down on quiet evenings. But that wasn’t his world either.

He could imagine walking into the kitchen as Tim… as his so-called self.

His old blue jeans and T-shirt are all normal.

Trying to act confident again.

The girls would smile politely because they were kind. They would try to include him. But there would be a distance. A pause. A sense of something out of place.

Tim wasn’t supposed to be here; this wasn't a place for him. He didn’t fit here even if he thought it would be so nice to be around not just attractive girls but because they all seemed to actually care. He didn’t belong in their world, their humor, their sisterhood. “I don't belong here or anywhere.” Tim said out loud to himself depression clear in his tone of voice.

“Tammy…” Tim said the name slowly thinking of himself as her, here and now as if it was real. He shut his eyes tight, hating the thought before it even took shape.

As Tammy, he had been… wanted, it wasn't real, she wasn't real,But it had still been more than anything he had growing up. More than he ever got at school. More than he ever got from his parents. More than the frat had given him, despite all his work and desperation.

“Tammy was treated with warmth…I was treated that way. Tammy was pulled into conversations. Tammy was helped, touched, included.”

Tim swallowed hard at the thoughts, the truth slid cold and bitter through him. The attention hadn’t been real, but the way it made him feel was. That was the part he couldn’t run from.

A soft, sick feeling curled in his stomach. If Tammy received more kindness in a week than Tim had in years, what did that say about who he was? Who he wasn’t?

His throat tightened. He pressed the heel of his palm to his eyes until they ached.

“What kind of guy wants attention like that?” he whispered to himself, too softly for even the lamp to hear. “What kind of guy… likes it?”

He didn’t have an answer.

He didn’t know if he even counted as a guy anymore. The thought shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. It wasn’t about being a girl or a boy. It was about not recognizing the person he had become.

He curled deeper into the couch.

“I don't belong at the frat. I don't belong at the sorority. I don't belong anywhere at all!” The room felt too big around him, but the air felt thin, tight against his ribs. He pulled the blanket up to his chin again and tried to breathe slowly, quietly, like he could hide from all the places he didn’t fit.

He felt lost without a map and without a name that felt safe to wear.

Tim didn’t know how long he sat curled on the couch, staring at the blank television, trying not to think. His throat hurt from holding tears back, and the blanket was pulled tight around him like a shield that didn’t actually protect anything.

He hadn't heard Sarah come down the stairs.

He only realized she was there when the edge of the couch dipped slightly under her weight.

“Tim…?” Her voice was soft, careful, like she was approaching a frightened animal.

The voice startled him, making Tim jerk upright a little too quickly, wiping at his eyes. “I’m fine. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.” The brunette haired folded her legs up beneath her and leaned in just enough to make Tim feel seen, but not cornered. “You look like you haven’t slept at all.”

He shrugged, staring at his hands. “Didn’t want to, bad dreams.”

Sarah’s hand settled on his arm.. Not gripping him, not holding him there… but she didn’t pull away either when she felt him flinch from the touch. Her warm hands, her touch making his chest tighten, but for a change it was in a good way. No one touched him gently like this.. Not even when he was a kid. His parents loved him but they were distant.

After a moment, she spoke again, quieter this time. “You’ve been avoiding everyone, barely eating, barely sleeping. You don’t have to pretend with me.”

He swallowed hard, feeling like he could cry. “I don’t know where to go.”

Sarah didn’t rush him, didn’t push, she didn’t even move.

Tim found himself talking anyway, feeling like she was someone he could open up to at least a little. “I can’t go back to the frat,” he said, voice cracking in the middle. “I can’t. They’ll know something’s wrong, that I'm wrong. They’ll figure everything out. I’ll never live it down.”

Sarah’s eyes softened with something that looked too much like pity. He hated that he needed it. “And I can’t stay here,” he added, rubbing his hands together until they burned. “Not as me. It’s stupid. This is a sorority house. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be anywhere.”

Sarah let out a slow breath. “You’re not stupid.”

“Feels like it,” he muttered, feeling defeated.

Her fingers slid down his arm just a little before settling again to grasp his hand, a gentle stroke that made his throat close. “You don’t have to leave,” she said.

“I can’t stay.” he whispered.

“You can.” Her tone changed slightly, almost imperceptibly to something softer. Her naturally mousy voice making Tim feel warmer. A note of reassurance wrapped around something Tim didn’t recognize. “You’re safe here, but boys cant live here, but Tammy could.”

The room seemed to tilt for a second. Not in a dizzy way. In a relieved, terrifying, confusing way all at once. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he felt. Something inside him folded, and something else opened.

Sarah watched his face carefully, searching for his feelings on his face. Just… watching, like she was seeing something important in him. Reaching up and brushing a strand of hair from his forehead. Her fingers lingered for a heartbeat longer than they needed to.

“You were happier,” she whispered. “Not pretending to be tough. Not trying to impress anyone. Just… you. Or the you that isn’t so hurt.”

Tim felt his eyes sting again. “Tammy isn’t real.” he said while thinking just how wrong she was.

“She can be,” Sarah said. “If you want her to be.”

He shook his head weakly. “I don’t know what I want.” the offer to stay being more than a little tempting.

Hearing his sorrow Sarah leaned forward and pressed a small, soft kiss to his cheek.

It wasn’t romantic, though she felt affection for him and it broke him in a way nothing else had. “You don’t have to know right now,” she murmured. “Just don’t leave. Tammy, please just stay here. Stay with me. Be Tammy, be you that I see until you feel steady again.”

Tim choked on a half-breath, trying to hold back tears, then he felt Sarah wrap an arm gently around his shoulders, pulling him into her side, letting him rest his forehead against her collarbone. He didn’t resist. He didn't feel like he could. For the first time in days, the tightness in his chest loosened, the constant anxiety that grappled him had its grasp loosen.

Sarah held him there, warm and steady and close. “You’re not alone anymore,” she whispered, and for the first time since the raid, Tim let himself believe it.