Busted

The next day Kelly is kneeling at the foot of her bed, giving you a morning blowjob when your phone beeps.

Curious to see who could be texting you this early, you stretch to pick it up and turn on the screen. It's a text from your sister: Yo Ryan, thought I'd give you a heads up: you're in trouble.

The message includes a link that brings you to an online news article.

Group insanity grips news crew?

Audiences across the state were shocked yesterday when beloved news anchor Burg Jerowitz and several other members of the Faux News crew held down female anchor Takashima and **** themselves on her sexually. This was preceded by an announcement that the channel's programming was being changed to pornography. Less than an hour after this offensive and graphic display, which was transmitted live, regular news broadcasts resumed after the channel went off the air for "technical difficulties."

Questioned employees claim to have done nothing wrong, as they were acting on orders from "the new manager," who has since been replaced by the channel's original management. Takashima corroborates these claims and is not pressing charges against anyone involved. This is thrown into question by her resignation, in which she cites a hostile work environment as her reason for leaving.

One Ryan Ferro is being sought for questioning."

The article continues for another page, but you don't get past that last sentence. Oh shit, the cops are looking for me? Will they leave me alone if I just feign ignorance? No, you're not that lucky. You have to figure out a way to deal with this.

You try to stand up, but Kelly is still sucking away between your legs. Shoving her away angrily, you tell her to go blow her husband and hurry to get dressed.

The coast is thankfully clear when you get home, so you unlock the door and rush to enact the plan you came up with on the panicked drive home. It's a really bad plan that is more likely to make things worse than better, but you only had minutes to come up with it and let's face it, you're not a very responsible person.

You've barely finished your preparation when there's a loud knock at the front door. While your mom leaves the kitchen to answer it, you stealthily get into position at the top of the stairs.

Peeking through the banister, you watch the door open to admit two cops. The first to enter is an attractive black woman with curves barely contained by her uniform, but coming in behind her is her older partner, a tired-looking white man with greying hair.

This is a problem. Somehow, your half-baked plan had failed to account for the existence of male officers. Knowing that it's too late to come up with anything better, you carefully take aim and press the trigger twice in rapid succession.