Breaking

He just left me there. Let go of my legs, let me fall on the bench, got up, and walked to the door. Before opening it he looked back at me and licked his lips. No words, just letting me see him taste me one last time. I still hadn’t even caught my breath.

Once he’s gone it’s like the spell is broken. I can move again, I can think. Holy shit I’m skipping first period right now. Where are my pants? No time to clean up, just get dressed and get moving, maybe I can come up with an excuse.

I exit the locker room and I’m about to start running when I see him at the end of the hall, and he’s with her. His hands are on her hips and her arms are around his neck and she’s kissing him, deep and long. I feel that icy dagger plunge into my chest again, and this time it’s coated with an oily slick of terror.

Mina breaks the kiss and narrows her eyes at Derek, then she looks over, right at me standing like an idiot in the hallway. She licks her lips, then gives me a smile that stops my heart. Derek doesn’t even look my way, just grabs Mina’s hand and pulls her down the hall. She doesn’t break eye contact with me until she’s out of sight.

I don’t have the energy to hurry anymore. The world around me seems to fade into the background as I walk into class late for the first time. I nod and mumble a reply when my surprised teacher asks if I’m feeling ill, and I take my seat at my desk. What are we studying today? Doesn’t matter. Nothing happening outside of my head is real.

She’s going to kill me. She’s going to make me wish I were never born. That’s what she said, the first time she told me to stay away from him. But I didn’t do anything. It’s all him. He’s the one doing this to me. I’m just… letting him. Why am I letting him?

His arms, holding me tight. His lips against mine, taking my breath away. His hands, on me, in me. His tongue, heaven between my legs. His warmth, his heat, keeping the cold world at bay. His eyes, his voice, his smile, him him him.

Him. Derek. Just the thought of his name makes my skin spark with electricity.

I’m letting him because I want him. I can’t even bring myself to care about why.

And now I’m going to pay for it. After all these years of denying myself even the chance to want something like this, and now I’m going to be punished for having it. This is what I get. This is what happens when I stop being invisible.

This cycle in my mind consumes my whole day. Dreading what Mina will do to me makes me think of why she’s going to do it, makes me remember every moment, every touch, and then I’m thrown back into the fear. Nothing that happens in my classes registers in my brain. At lunch I go to my usual spot outside, a copse of trees near the athletic fields where I can be alone. Be isolated. I don’t touch my food, but I almost touch myself. Every time my mind turns back to Derek the heat inside burns hotter, brighter. I really shouldn’t masturbate at school, that’s too far.

Even if Derek himself already made me come today.

Fuck. Focus, Cass.

It’s a lost cause. By the end of the day it takes an effort of will not to squirm in my seat, not to rub my thighs together in a futile effort to relieve the pressure. The terror, the dread of what Mina will do to me is still there, but more and more all I can think about is his face between my legs and his tongue moving tasting consuming me.

“Cass? Can I speak with you for a minute?” Mr. Berenger stops me before I can hustle out of his class at the end of the day.

“Um, yeah, sure thing Mr. Berenger.” I try to compose myself, but I know he knows me too well. It’s obvious something is up. My cheeks are flushed, I’m short of breath, my legs won’t keep still. I’m nothing like myself.

“Cass… is everything okay?” His soft brown eyes are filled with concern, almost breaking me, almost making me tell him what’s really happening.

But of course I won’t. I can’t. “Yeah… yeah I’m okay Mr. Berenger. Just… haven’t been feeling well.” Fuck I hate lying to him, he’s as close as I’ve had to a friend in my whole high school career.

That concern in his eyes sharpens. “It’s totally understandable if you’re feeling upset about the scholarship, I get it. I just want you to know, I’m trying to see if there’s anything I can do. I do have some friends over in the fancypants art world, if you can believe it.” He flashes me that warm smile that always makes me feel better, and then his face gets serious. “But Cass, one of the things I’m leaning on is your academic record. Your perfect attendance is pretty remarkable these days, but I heard you were quite tardy for first period this morning.”

Oh my god. Oh no. This can’t be happening. “What… what are you saying?” Did I fuck myself over again?

Mr. Berenger holds up a hand, as if to ward off my negative emotions. “Don’t worry, I talked to Mr. Kowalski and you’re off the hook, this time. I’m serious about trying to pull some strings to get you another shot at this scholarship. But Cass, whatever it is you have going on, don’t let it get in the way of your future, alright? And if you need to talk to someone, please, remember I’m always here for you.”

I hope I said goodbye, I really do. But I was too close to crying to speak clearly, and I just had to get away. I know there’s tears on my cheeks as I’m walking down the hallway. Fuck. FUCK. Everything is falling apart. I have to do something. Have to make things right again, get back to where things were before I literally ran into Derek and set this whole fucked up week in motion.

It’s Friday. Thank god. I can take my trusty mountain bike and get out of town. Just ride off at daybreak tomorrow and get far, far away. Pack some food and a good book and go sleep in the forest on the lower slopes of the Olympics. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve run away like that. Just for a bit. Just some time to be by myself, get away from Derek and Mina and everything and reset. Maybe they’ll forget about me. Maybe I’ll forget about him. Maybe this will all just blow over.

As my bike comes into view, still locked to the rack where Derek put it this morning, I feel a swell of love for my Dad. He worked overtime for a month to buy it for my thirteenth birthday. Said it was a symbol of my independence. I’ve ridden it practically every day since. It’s like a part of me. I know that no matter what happens, I have that avenue of escape, a way to get free of anything that threatens me. A final line of defense if my invisibility powers fail me.

Which, holy shit, have they ever.

I unlock my bike and start walking it toward the road, hearing the familiar sound of the chain, the spokes, the soft press of the tires against the concrete path, feel the worn rubber of the handles in my grip. I’m ready. Maybe I won’t even wait for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just head out now, get an early start. I could make it all the way out to the ocean if I really went for it. Why the fuck not? What have I got to lose?

Footsteps behind me, fast, faster, louder, and I’m flying, falling, crashing into the ground.

Where’s my bike? Where are my GLASSES? Hands scrambling on the path, they can’t be broken, please god. OK, got em, put em on, look up. Mina’s friends, the same ones who held me down against the lockers, they have it they have my bike and they’re running with it. Running and laughing and heading to the parking lot. What are they doing?

They push it out into the lot, it goes for a moment, straight, then wobbles, toppling over. The roar of an engine. The big black monster of Mina’s SUV is suddenly there, crushing my bike, mangling it, I can hear the metal screeching the tires popping the whole thing destroyed. Mina rolls down the driver’s window and looks at me. “Hope it was worth it, uggo! Maybe next time you’ll LISTEN TO ME!”

She backs up over my bike, as if to ensure it’s totally wrecked. Her friends who’d stole it from me run up to the SUV, laughing at me as they hop in. The massive vehicle peels out of the school parking lot in a cloud of exhaust, its occupants reaching out to flip me off as they drive away.

I still haven’t gotten up off the ground. I’m just sitting there, staring at the ruined remains of my bike. There’s a crowd of people who saw the whole thing. Some of them laugh, some of them gawk, some of them feign concern, but none of them come up to me. I’m all alone. Just like I’ve always been.

The Sad is coming. I can feel its approach, rising up from the infinite abyss where it lives, fast, rushing at me like a sea monster. It’s gonna be big. That thought barely has time to register before it crashes into me like a wave in a tempest. The initial impact is a shock, numbing me, and then I feel the numbness seep inside, slowly, inevitably. There’s no color, no light, no sensation from outside my body, and inside is only emptiness. I can’t even feel pain anymore. The only thing I feel is a deep, instinctual need to be alone.

My feet carry me to the closest place they know of, around the school building, past the field to the copse of trees where I spent my lunch, where I’ve spent so many lunches, so many times choosing to hide. Choosing to be invisible. All to avoid something like this happening. And for what? It happened anyway.

I sit against the trunk of a cedar tree and wrap my hands around my legs, squeezing myself into a ball. The Sad is so strong I can’t even rock myself in place. I just press my forehead to my knees and sit there. Maybe I’ll just stay here forever. I can’t go home. I can’t go back to school, where people are. I can’t go, I can’t do, I can’t be. Everything else, space and time and thought and feeling, fades away. I’m just Sad.

I don’t hear him approach. I don’t even hear him the first time he calls my name. The Sad doesn’t let my brain process the information from my ears. But he comes close, leans down gets real loud right next to me, and even the Sad can’t keep him at bay any longer. “Cassie! Hey! I’m talking to you!”

I hear you, Derek. But I can’t say anything back. I’m not here anymore. Can’t you see?

“Hey! LISTEN!” Derek grabs my shoulder and shakes me, roughly. “Quit trying to hide from me! I found you, alright? I’m here, and I’m talking to you, so LISTEN!”

It doesn’t matter what you say, Derek. It doesn’t matter what you do. It’s too late for me.

He grabs my shoulders, pulls me away from the tree, pushes me down on my back in the dirt, gets right over me. He looks angry. “I really don’t like being ignored, Cassie. I really, REALLY don’t like it. So you’re gonna answer me. Now!”

I’m looking up at him, my face blank, my body slack. There’s an echo of desire deep inside me, the first thing I’ve felt since the Sad hit me, but it’s too faint, too deep, drowning like the rest of me.

That anger in his face is in his eyes now. Those green eyes are burning, boring into me. “No.” He growls, lowering himself onto me, pressing me down into the dirt with his weight. “You don’t get to ignore me. I am not gonna let you.”

He’s so warm, so solid, crushing me. He grabs my hands and holds them above my head, just like the first time he kissed me, and then his lips are on mine again. My body starts to respond, my mouth opens just a tiny sliver. And then I feel something. Something I knew was there, but hadn’t let myself be aware of before now.

With the firmness of his body pressing on me, this is hard. With the warmth of his body beginning to peel away the layers of my numbness, this is hot. And it’s right between my legs, right against my own heat.

And it’s waking me up.

I want it. I want him. I want him to take me with it. Between his heat and his weight pressing on me from the outside and the **** of my desire growing, spreading like a flame within me, the Sad melts away, gone in a puff of vapor like it was never there. I can feel again. I can be. And I want to feel him. I want to be his. I twist my hands in his grip until my fingers are squeezed between his, grasping back instead of being held down. My mouth opens, inviting him in, my tongue soft caressing his, welcoming it back inside. My legs spread, up and over, locking my ankles behind the small of his back and I’m grinding against that hard heat and moaning, whining, singing into the kiss.

I’m awake.

I’m here.

I’m me.

I’m his.

Derek pulls away from the kiss, looking down at me with that sharp grin as he grinds against me. “Are you gonna listen now?”

I nod at first, then take a gasping breath so I can reply. “Yes.”

That fire is back in his eyes, but it’s not anger anymore. It’s a hunger, a desire, a consuming flame and I want it to consume me. “Are you going to be a good girl, Cassie?”

I give him a sweet moan, squeezing my legs tight around him as I come. He just made me come with a question, oh my god I never want to be anything but a good girl for him. “Yes. Yes I’m a good girl Derek.” What are these words? Who is saying them? What do they mean?

Me.

This is me.

It doesn’t matter what it means. This is what I want to be.

“Whose good girl are you?”

He leans down for a kiss before I can respond, but my mouth makes the shape of “yours” as he consumes me, once and for all.