Best Elizabeth

I know I said I was going to take the pure path from now on, but that’s when I thought I was dying. That’s before the chance for **** wandered in front of me, and lifted her tail.

What we have here is a golden opportunity. My foe is currently shopping for all the ingredients needed to make a healing potion. She thinks it’s to create and elixir that will turn her goblin womb back into that of a human, but that’s a lie. Told by me, fabulous me. See I’m not going to help her at all, I’m still kind of mad about her… ruining my life, attacking me, and robbing me of everything I own.

“Got the stuff.” She grunts as she comes out of the alchemist’s shop. She hands me a bag, and sure enough she’s got everything I need to get myself healed up. So far so good. I take another look at her belly. She’s only got a few hours left before those goblins come knocking. “Give me my cauldron, and I’ll get this prepared.”

“I’ve got a room at the Inn.” She starts to make her way down the street, but I hobble after her. “You’re joking right? You want the entire inn to smell like we’re cooking meth? Someone’s going to come looking to investigate, and they’re going to find us performing a ritual of Bellowyn, you’re not going to be able to explain that away.”

“Bellowyn?” She turns around, her face momentarily showing fear, then as usual that turns to anger. “You’re a demon fucker?” She growls the words out, I’m certain she means to kill me now.

“All beings deserve love.”

“Fuck!” She runs her hands through her hair. “Fuck, this is bad.” She shudders and grabs her stomach. “Stop kicking you little cunts, or I’ll punch back!”

“Relax. We’ll do it in the woods. You’ll be healed, I’ll get my cauldron and we’ll never see eachother again. Nobody has to know we were even involved.”

“That’s the way it’s going to have to be.” She tightens her cloak around herself. “I’ve got a reputation to keep around here.”

I roll my eyes, and start to following her out of town. “As what? A drunken thief?”

“Monster slayer.” She corrects, with a hint of pride.

Fuck me, of course she was. Only one of the scariest career paths I could encounter. “How’d you even get pregnant?” Judging from the timing of it all, she’d have to have gotten laid right after she robbed me.

“I dunno. When I got back, I felt like celebrating. So I drank the booze you had in your cart, got

horny as hell, and hooked up with some merchant. My usual.”

Lovely. “I didn’t have booze in my cart you idiot, those were potions.”

“Tasty potions.”

“No wonder you got pregnant, those were potions of lust.” Well one of them wasn’t, but she didn’t need to know that.

“So once again, this is all your fault.” She clenches her fist.

“You robbed me! You drank the potions, you got laid!”

Before I could go on she punched me in the gut… she made a good point.

Taking my advice into consideration the two of us snuck into the woods on the outside of town. She had **** but to trust me with my cauldron once more. It felt good to be back behind that baby after a week of absence. It’s granite walls, so smooth and cold. The migraine inducing smell of chemicals boiling, ah, simply divine.

“Hurry up with that thiing!” Elizabeth cried from the forest floor. Her stomach was substantially bigger than it had been a few hours ago, and smart money was on her giving birth any second now. The healing potion had been ready for about half an hour but I couldn’t down it until she gave birth. I wanted the goblins. Every overlord needs a few minions.

“It’s almost done.” I lied, and continued stirring. Luckily she was as stupid as she was strong and didn’t know anything about alchemy. I felt confident that I could fake her out for as long as was needed..

“Oh gods, something’s moving!” She cried out.

“And done!” I announced turning on the tap of the cauldron and unleashing that sweet red syrup into a flask. “This should do nicely.”

She looked over at me, her eyes wide and ****. She flailed her arm in my direction. “Give it to me, quicklyiiiiiiiiie!”

Keeping eye contact I slurped down that potion, like it was nectar. She gasped at my betrayal, but was a little too occupied birthing my goblins to do anything about it. She winced and sighed with pleasure at the vile birth. Three large green eggs began to slowly emerge from her vagina. Meanwhile my wounds were stitching together, skin was healing,

and blood was being restored.

I was a real boy again, and I felt like dancing!

Screw cosmic understanding and peace on earth! I’m going to be evil forever!

I packed up my tools, shrunk down the cauldron, and waited for Elizabeth to finish her business. By the time she was done yelling, she was covered in sweat and three green Sacs of slime laid on the ground. These eggs would hatch into goblins in a day or so, but for now were boneless bloodless sacks of crap.

I scooped them into my begging bag that had a few coins and a lot of snake meat inside. She was panting, with a wild and confused look on her face. One of strange satisfaction. I’ve often heard that goblin births are very satisfying, and even addictive for the females. That’s why there’s so many of the damn things crawling around. “It’s been a pleasure working with you. I hope this has taught you a lesson about crossing me. From now on stay out of my way.”

She growled at me, and to my surprise started to rise to her feet. “You little shit!”

I screamed… in a manly way and jumped back. “H-hey.” My voice was ripe with fear. “You just gave birth, you better lay down you’ll hurt yourself.”

“I feel like a million bucks!” She stood at her full height and began to bang her chest with a clenched fist. One she obviously intended to shove up my ass. There was no way should could be good to go after that. No way at all.

“I didn’t want to have to do this.” But this animal was leaving me ****. She was just too dangerous to be left alive and with a grudge. I flicked my cauldron up into the air like it was a coin. I saw her follow the little black object as it arched above her head. “Bellowyn engorge my tool!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Immediately the cauldron grew to the size of a boulder, and dropped down on her head. There was a crunching sound that made me wince, but at least I was safe. “How uncivilized.” There was plenty of **** involved in the cult of Bellowyn, but we’re mostly a cult of universal love. I’m just sad Elizabeth only got to experience that ecstasy for a brief moment.

The cauldron rumbled. For a moment I only thought that it was settling into it’s position atop Elizabeth. Then I noticed it beginning to lift off of the ground. “No way.” I took a step back.

Sure enough, beneath the cauldron was Elizabeth broken in half, but somehow still with the strength needed to lift what hat to be two tons of granite. “Raaaaaaaagh!” She screamed. She got to her knees, and then her feet, the whole time lifting my cauldron high above her head. I could hear her bones snapping, and cracking back into place. I could see her wounds healing up. Was there a leak in my cauldron? Was the healing potion from earlier somehow getting on to her? No, it wasn’t that. This was something far more bizarre and obscene, but I couldn’t quite

figure it out at the moment.

I was mostly scared for my life. I screamed back at her, this time in pure terror, and ran away. if there's a single lesson I’ve learned this week is that, survival is more important than anything else.

I heard a grunt of effort and turned my head just in time to see that giant block of black granite flying right for me. Lucky for me I just used my connection with the artifact to shrink it back down to it’s tiny size, and caught it before it could crush me.

I stowed the cauldron in my pocket and ran into the forest, for as long as my lungs would let me.