Bert Woodruff, 35, recently unemployed

Bert walked home from the liquor store, midday on a Tuesday. They'd announced his entire division was being eliminated and he would be laid off at the end of the month. He was supposed to be working on mothballing his projects. Instead, he had just got up and left.

That was probably a mistake. He'd need that last paycheck. But would it really do him any good? His credit cards were maxed out. His car was in the shop waiting on $4017.35 he didn't have. His meager saving couldn't be touched until the divorce was finalized. One more paycheck would just mean a little more time pretending his life wasn't completely fucked. The only thing left to look forward to was the booze he'd just spent his grocery money on.

And then he saw the remote in the gutter.

• To whomever finds this remote, congratulations, you now hold a piece of my power. With this device, you can change and control anyone you aim it at. I hope you have fun experimenting with this remote. My one condition is that you use it for your dark desires and not to fix the world because using this power for good is boring. I would prefer it if you use it for pleasure and malice. I will be watching.

__

It was absurd, of course. But what if it wasn't? Wasn't he due some good luck for a change? He slipped it into the liquor store bag and hurried the few blocks left to the old bungalow where he rented a basement apartment. He would stash the liquor then see if it actually did something!

But he should have known not to make plans. His landlady came out to get the mail just as he was a dozen strides from the stairs to his apartment.

"Mr. Woodruff?" Cecilia Montano exclaimed in her slight Italian accent. "You are home very early, are you not?"

The old woman glared disapprovingly at the bag in his hands.

"Shouldn't you be working?" She asked.

"Um, funny story, that, Mrs. Montano," he said, with an embarrassed chuckle. "I, um... I wanted to show you something."

He reached into the bag and grabbed the remote from among the liquor bottles. He was no doubt about to look very stupid but what did he have to lose? The remote was complicated but he had noticed there was a pause button.

"What are you..." the old woman started to ask, then stopped.

Bert's eyebrows shot up. The thing was real! His landlady was frozen in front of him!

And they were standing there in the front yard where anyone might see and wonder about what was going on. It was a very gossipy neighborhood. He needed to decide what to do quick.

He looked at the remote and saw a menu button. Pushing it revealed several intriguing possibilities but the one that seemed most likely to get them in private quickly was Personality.

In the personality submenu was an option for friendliness. Bert was unsurpried to see Mrs. Montano was a 2 out of 10. He cranked it up to 10. He did the same to Trusting and Persuedable. Then he unpaused her to see what happened.

"...doing with that...um..." she blinked in momentary confusion, then broke into a huge grin. "What is it?"

"It's a magic remote, Mrs. Montano!" He told her.

"Really?" She exclaimed. "I've never heard of such a thing! Thats fascinating! But really, Bert, you should call me Cecilia! We live in the same house, for heaven's sake! We should be on a first name basis!"

"Well thank you, Cecilia! Thats awfully friendly of you!" He grinned back at her.

"Of course! Like I said, we share a house! Why shouldn't we be friends!" She exclaimed. "Would you like to come inside and have a cup of tea? Oh, but you wanted to show me your magic remote! "

"I could show it to you over a cup of tea!" Bert suggested.

"Oh, that's a marvelous idea!" His landlady agreed. "Please, do come in!"

He offered his arm to help her up the steps and into her home. Inside was a ton of Catholic iconography on the walls and on every usable surface. Cecilia had nearly declined to rent the place to him when she found out he wasn't Catholic.

She left him seated comfortably in her living room next to a framed photo of her late husband and scurried off to the kitchen to make tea. Bert took the opportunity to further inspect the remote.

When Cecilia Montano returned with a tea tray laden with tea and cookies, he knew exactly what features of the remote he wanted to demonstrate to the old woman.