Ask your dog

You find Theo, your Pomeranian mix, sleeping behind the couch. You feel bad about waking him, but this really can't wait. "Wake up Theo," you say as you shake him awake.

"Wha-wha-what the fuck you want?" He says groggily. Yes he can talk. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can hear it. You can't tell anyone, lest they think you're insane.

"Sorry to wake you Theo, but I really have a problem."

"You have a lot of problems Zee. I was having this great dream where I went around pissing on everything I could find."

"But Theo," you say, "You piss on everything in real life too."

"Yes, but in my dream, I have so much pee coming out. I'm practically flooding the place!"

"Please boy, I need your advice on something."

"Yes, you should cut the cat's whiskers off. Getting too damn long."

"No Theo, this about my sister. She's in her room playing with herself. I really want to watch, but I don't want to get in trouble. So what should I do?"

Your dog thinks it over for a minute. "Well my boy, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you not borrow a shiny from her last week?"

"A shiny?"

"Yeah, one of those shiny round things."

"You mean a dvd?"

"Look Zee, I don't know all your crazy monkey terms for things. What I'm trying to say is that you should go to her room and bring it back to her."

"But I'm not done watching yet."

"You had a whole week! Just take it and barge in her room with it. Trust me, it'll work."

You think about what he said. You're not sure about the advice, but what are you going to do, not listen to your talking dog?