Ask for assistance

"Wait a minute. If your trained agent got killed, and everyone comes back mind-wiped, what is going to protect me? What am I supposed to do -- wear a condom lined with tin-foil?"

Mrs. Jones suppresses a smile, but Blunt scowls openly.

"Of course Smithers will provide you with what you need," says Blunt. "I assume that means you will take the mission, so I will leave it to you to work out the details."

With that, Alex is escorted from Blunt's office to the research department, where Derek Smithers greets him warmly. Smithers is definitely Alex's favorite at Headquarters. He is friendly, helpful, and best of all, he is the developer and provider of all the fun gadgets that make spy work so appealing.

"Good to see you, Alex," he says with an enthusiastic handshake. "I've got some goodies for you that you will love!"

Alex directs his attention to the table in front of them and takes in the display. Everything looks fairly ordinary, but he knows from experience that each item is a highly-sophisticated piece of espionage technology.

Item #1 looks like a molar. It is a tooth cap designed to slip over one of Alex's teeth. It serves as a communications device that allows those who are monitoring to hear Alex's voice and everything in the immediate area. It vibrates on a low frequency that allows Alex to hear messages for him without anyone else listening in.

Smithers helps him insert the device and shows him how to work the controls with his tongue.

"The original plans included a camera," he explains, "but on reflection we figured you probably shouldn't be walking around with your mouth hanging open all the time. I don't know, though... If it were me in your shoes, being around all those naked babes, I'd have my jaw hanging open all the time!"

Alex picks up a small tube of ointment. "What's this? It looks like medicine." Smithers takes the tube and explains, "It is. It is in case you develop a rash from being with any skanks. Just apply a generous amount on the family jewels, and that burning itch will clear up in no time."

"That's it?" exclaims Alex. "This stuff is supposed to protect me from the dangers of spy work!"

"Trust me, Alex," says Smithers, reassuringly. "With where you are going, this may be more valuable than a bullet proof vest."

"But what is going to protect me from the mind control?"

Smithers looks doubtful. "Well, we aren't entirely sure, since we don't know how it works, but we do have a theory..." He hands Alex a box of condoms. "These are not ordinary condoms. The lubrication is laced with a chemical that will cause the wearer to go into a hyper-fixed mental state. Whatever you are thinking or feeling at the time you put one of these on will become almost an obsession for you for the next hour or so. We think that this will help counteract the effects of mind control. If you think you are about to be subjected to a mental attack, slip one of these on, focus on who you are and what your mission is, and we hope you will be able to overcome any brainwashing."

"You HOPE? That's not a lot to go on. Besides.... A condom? Suppose I'm on a busy street when it happens? What am I supposed to do -- call a time-out, drop my pants, whip up a woody, roll on a rubber, and then face the music?"

"OK, it has a few holes in the plan, but it's the best we could do on short notice. Just be sure you put it on BEFORE you start to get brainwashed. We have no idea what the effect would be if you have it on while you are already being mind-altered boy... And be sure to focus on what is important to you when you put it on. If you get distracted and start thinking about how much you need to use the bathroom, that's going to be all you can think about for the next hour. Trust me -- I learned the hard way."

Alex scoops up his equipment and thanks Smithers for his help. Now, is there anything else he needs before leaving on his mission?