Ask about her boyfriend

“I’m sorry to hear your boyfriend got chicken pox. That really has to suck — for him and for you.”

“Well, Ben isn’t my boyfriend, for one. We were just going to the prom as friends, but yeah, it is crappy timing.”

“So you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Clarice rolls her eyes. “Are you kidding? You saw how protective Gran was just now. She would never let any boy near me unless he was gay or deformed or something.” Then, realizing what she said, she blushes and says, “No offense. And I don’t care that you’re gay.”

You laugh. “I’m definitely not gay, and I don’t think I’m deformed.”

Clarice smiles for the first time since you met her. “I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to imply— But Gran is convinced you are safe or she wouldn’t have let me be alone with you. Her intelligence resources are limitless, and she can sniff out any guy who is prowling around for sex.”

You refrain from explaining that Gran’s great intelligence resources have just experienced the mother of all breakdowns. Was it because your mom exaggerated your chivalry when talking to Mrs. Templeton, or is something else going on?

“So I assume you have taken a vow of celibacy to be a priest, or you are engaged to be married, or Gran hired someone to put a bullet in your head if you touch me? Which is it? The last guy she let me go out with was cute, but his pecker got caught in a meat grinder at work, so that’s why he was safe.”

You cringe and involuntarily cover your crotch at that mental image.

“Well, I’m definitely not a priest, and I’m not engaged, and I don’t know about the hired hitman, but I’ll take that under consideration before trying anything. And as far as the plumbing, it’s all fully functional and licensed for operation.”

Clarice laughs and blushes deeply. You realize that for all her bravado, it embarrasses her deeply when you refer to your own anatomy.

“So what’s the deal with Ben? Is he a priest, or did he lose his wang in a tragic blimp accident?”

Laughing, she says, “I think he’s just so incredibly shy that Gran thinks he’s safe. She knows he would never make the first move. In fact, he’s probably thankful he has chicken pox so he has an excuse not to dance.”

You find yourself warming up to this chick. “Well, I have many qualities, and shyness is not one of them. You can count on dancing the night away.”

Clarice smiles and says, “That sounds like fun. You know, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to fall — there’s gotta be something wrong with you.”

You arrive at the school and drop Clarice off at the front door and then park the car. As you grab your wallet out of the glove compartment, you spot the ever-present box of condoms. Should you grab one or two and put them in your pocket, just in case?