Amy Dean, 26 F (prologue, skip to avoid spoilers)

Amy sighs as she sinks down into the café booth opposite Lisa, an old college friend.

“Everything ok? Your text sounded upset.” Lisa asks, concern in her green eyes. The redheaded woman is 27, a year older than Amy, and favors an aesthetic she refers to as “wine aunt,” with neck length hair, dangly chain earrings, and clothes that are always just slightly more risqué than strictly appropriate. Today, she’s wearing a blouse that’s cut low enough show her pale, ample breasts in more than a little detail, and thin enough to allow the discerning eye to notice the imprints of her nipple piercings through the fabric, along with a pair of cutoff denim shorts that are about as tight and short as you would expect, given her choice of tops. Her outfits relative immodesty is accentuated by her short, curvy build, with full breasts and wide hips stacked onto her 5’3 frame.

“I’m sorry.” Amy answers, “I know it’s been like, three years since we had more than a phone call and now I’m texting you asking if we can meet and being all cryptic about why, but, like, fuck, I just need to vent to a friend for a bit, face to face, and you were the first person I thought of.”

Amy, in contrast, is around 5’7, and while she isn’t what anyone would call flat, is considerably less well-endowed than Lisa, with b-cup breasts and an ass that, while firm and round, took a lot of careful cultivating to properly bloom. She’s wearing a much less adventurous t-shirt and black yoga pants, though both are still more than sufficient to draw some stares.

“I know that look.” Lisa says, sympathetically, “You’re having man troubles, aren’t you?”

“That’s one way to put it,” Amy groans. “Don’t get me wrong, Issac’s lovely. He still just as sweet and romantic as when we first started dating, but…”

“But the bedroom is lousy.” Lisa finishes.

“Yeah.”

“Girl, I warned you when you got your head into this whole ‘settling down’ business that you were going to end up bored.” Lisa points out. “You can’t just go from being the girl who called herself the college bike to a housewife in three years and not be bored afterward. Especially not to Mister Issac ‘saving my virginity to marriage’ Dean.”

“I was fine when we were dating!” She objects.

“Yeah, and you had your own apartment then. How many hours of porn did you watch a month when you were dating? How many sex toys did you have in your closet to help ‘fill the void?’”

“A bunch.” Amy responds to both, dejectedly. “But I figured like, once we were married, he’d be ok with us doing, well, the exciting stuff, but all he wants is missionary three times a week. I’ve barely convinced him to leave the lights on.”

“Boring is as boring does. Bit late to be figuring that out.” Lisa snarks, “Seriously though, I don’t know why you thought it would be any different. He isn’t even your type.”

“I slept with plenty of nerds in college!” She objects.

“You slept with everybody in college, but who did you pick when you had the option? Jocks, party girls, goths, you either went in for people with absolutely built bodies or the ones you knew would be absolute freaks in the sheets, and then you went and married someone who thinks a sports bra is risqué and is shorter than you.”

“What’s his height got to do with it?” Amy asks, prompting a smirk from Lisa.

“Everyone knows length correlates with height, girth with shoulder width.” She replies, “And your husband’s five-four and skinny.”

“What would you even know about that? You’re a lesbian!”

Lisa laughs, “Transwomen count, and besides, you haven’t said I’m wrong. Tell the truth, girlfriend, how ‘big’ is he?”

Amy slumps and stares down at the table. “Five inches, maybe.”

“And before you moved in with him, how big was your smallest dildo?”

“Seven inches.” And that was the one she used for anal.

“Exactly.”

“I mean, the size isn’t the issue.” Amy says, pointedly, “Five inches is actually a fun size for blowjobs, and like, some of the smallest guys I was with in college gave the best head.”

“But he doesn’t like blowjobs or give head.” Lisa concludes.

“Yeah, that’s the problem.” Amy agrees. “I really thought I could get him to loosen up over time, but we’ve been married two years and he still won’t budge. He said other positions aren’t as romantic, he thought I was joking when I suggested toys, and I even swapped a romance DVD with a porn flick one time by ‘mistake’ and he acted like he’d committed some cardinal sin by seeing a woman’s boobs.”

Lisa wrinkles her nose. “Who even watches DVDs these days? Where did you even get those?”

“He has some old movies on DVD, and I found a video store that still rents them. He gets nostalgic about it.”

“Weird, but besides the issue.” Lisa says, “I assume you’ve ruled out just cheating on him?”

Amy stares at her. “He’s my husband. I love him. I’m not going to do that. I’d never be able to look him in the eye again afterwards.”

She nods. “Which means divorce is also out of the picture. Man, you must’ve caught all kinds of feelings.”

“Yeah. And don’t get me wrong, everything else really is great. He’s sweet, he’s cute, we have a lot of fun on date night…right up until bedtime.”

“Has he even made you cum once?”

“Not really. I’ve been slipping off to the bathroom afterward to watch porn on my phone. There’s an actor that looks kinda like him, Sam Shift. That helps.”

She furrows her brow for a second. “Doesn’t he do gay porn?” Seeing Amy’s surprised look, she adds: “What? My girlfriend likes guy on guy, and I enjoy the plotlines.” This doesn’t help Amy’s stare, prompting her to continue: “Anyway, this isn’t about me, you’re the one getting off on the idea of your husband getting bummed by another dude.”

“Fuck, I am.” Amy admits. “There’s something about the idea of him doing something so far removed from what he’d normally do that’s just hot. Like, he won’t even use a urinal if another guy is standing near it.”

“So the idea of him bent over taking a cock in each hole gets your motor running.” Lisa concludes. “Good news is, I know someone who can help.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I mean you and your twink of a husband need couples therapy, and I know just the people” She rummages in her purse and pulls out a crumpled business card. “Purity Medical Group. I know, the name sounds weird, but basically, they specialize in dealing with repressed partners…without necessarily informing the repressed partner that that’s what they’re doing.”

“Is that ethical?” Amy asks, sounding concerned.

“More ethical than cheating on your husband, which seems like your only alternative if you want to get laid.” Lisa points out. “Trust me, I send repressed straight girls their way all the time, and they come back begging me to sit on them. Give them a call, you won’t be disappointed.”

Amy hesitates, before reaching out and taking the card. “I guess it couldn’t hurt just to see what they can do.”

“Exactly!” Lisa says with a grin, “Now, I had to sit here and listen to your relationship issues, so, as punishment, you get to sit here and hear all about Kathryn, my 21 year old formerly catholic with a mommy kink.” Seeing Amy’s frustrated look, she cackles. “Hey, you went for a committed relationship don’t hate the rest of us for staying fast and loose with it.”

Amy stands up. “I think I’d better go call Purity Medical Group.”

“You do that. And let me know how it goes!”