Always There

Jasper's house is pretty nice, I mean, not exactly a mansion, but it's comparable to home, which is pretty good for a guy his age. It's not something I ever considered before, until it housed the person who I have the most conflicting feelings towards in my life. There's a part of me that wants to bust the door down and beat her with it... If I were strong enough, or a door was in any way a good weapon in an enclosed space.

I'm stalling, aren't I? It's been a bad habit lately. I head to the door and look back to Mum in the car and wave her off, I'll get a taxi back, I don't know how long this is going to take... And I don't want her here for it anyway. I open the door and enter the house, listening out for any sign of the inhabitant. Jasper and Minnie are still at the hospital with Sienna, so I know the only person here must be Jenny. Finally something breaks the silence, the sound of a glass being put down in the kitchen, what're the odds she raided their wine selection? Sounds like something she'd do.

I turn the corner and peek into the room, Jenny's at the counter in a pink t-shirt and matching pyjama bottoms with black polka dots, she's scribbling away in some notebook, the glass next to her not filled with wine, but with water... And several boxes of pills next to it. I can't see what they are from here. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't know what they are anyway, Rouge is the future genius, all I can say is they look serious. I'm getting distracted, stalling again, I take a breath, put my foot forwards, gather my courage, and enter the room.

"Fancy meeting you here." I announce blankly, not even pretending I didn't know she was here. Jenny screams in surprise at my arrival, and stumbles back against the counter, before gasping for breath. Okay, maybe sneaking up on a young woman alone in an unfamiliar house gives off certain vibes, probably should've considered that, I'll admit fault there.

"Scarlet... What're you doing here?" Jenny blurts out, placing her hand on her chest to relax her heart. "You scared the life out of me."

I kinda want to apologise for that, but it can wait. "Weird, I was going to ask you the same thing, seems like you've made yourself comfortable." I observe. Jenny's face is slowly recovering from the shock and turning to guilt, looks like she knows my intentions for coming here. "So, let me get this straight, you bully me for over a decade, get punished for it by living it up in a swanky mansion, then move in with my own brother? Am I missing something? Another step that made all of this make sense for you? Does this sound like justice?" I demand, approaching her.

"I know!" She answers, backing away further. "I said I shouldn't be here, but Jasper insisted... He said... He said I was blood, and not letting him help me would be the equivalent of me insulting him... But if I'm honest... I just liked having some kind of family that gave a damn." She confesses, finally backing herself fully into the corner.

Excuses, excuses. "Bullshit!" I snap. "I get it, your family sucks, and Jasper's a nice person, but that doesn't mean you get to take advantage of him, and it doesn't make you family. Here's an idea, how about you piss off back to your own home, and beg them to take you back? Try sorting your own shit out before you dump it on someone elses, how's that?"

"I don't deserve it!" Jenny finally shouts back, her eyes flooding with tears. "You don't get it, you just don't okay? That place... My parents, the things that I... The things they..." She tries, before cutting off into sobs on each attempt, until she finally erupts, finally pushes back against me.

"I would rather die on the side of the road than go back to them, you want to know what your missing? I didn't get kicked out, I was rushed to hospital, because of an overdose, because they were force feeding me drugs for years. Gene didn't find me on the street, he rescued me from them and refused to tell them where I was. These tablets? They help with the whole host of disorders I have going on by this point, after the drugs, and the beatings, and the... Well, I'm sure you can use your imagination..."

Jenny's anger isn't like the one I'm used to, it's not malicious, or vindictive, or hateful... It's sad... Like the sight of a supernova, a big burst of energy with nowhere to go. She takes a moment before continuing.

"I didn't deserve all of that, and it's taken the better part of a year, thousands of pills, and four different therapists for me to be able to say that. You know the only bright spot I had in my life? The only real friend I had? Amanda. I would've done anything for her. I know, it's not an excuse, it doesn't take back all the things I did... But I can't keep beating myself up over it, you're either going to forgive me, and I hope you do... Or you won't... But I have to live my life either way. Too many people have helped me to give up now."

You ever have someone bump into you, and even though it's not your fault you apologise out of instinct? Then they don't bother and you think how rude they are? It definitely feels like that, but I don't know whether I'm the bump-er or the bump-ee. I was stupid, thinking I knew how Jenny felt, that chaos? That Hell? I'd have latched onto anyone I could too. But she could have stopped, even if she lost her friend... And gone through Hell alone... Damn it... God fucking damn it! Fucking motherfucker piece of shit! There's so much anger, but I know the truth now, she had it even worse than me, I can't just ignore it and kick her out anyway.

I look at her face unflinchingly, her rage seems to have subsided, but her determination's still there. Before I know what I'm doing, my fist is clenched and colliding with her face.

Jenny falls to the floor, clutching her cheek, then looks up at me, not awaiting an explanation, but still awaiting my judgement. "I owed you that at least." I clarify.

Good, now hit her again, and again, and again. Make her feel all the pain she forced onto you. Rip her hair off and gouge her eyes! Hurt her! Show her what real monsters look like!

But... It wouldn't matter, would it? It won't change the past, won't undo my trauma, definitely wouldn't prevent hers.

My mind goes to Rouge, I know she'd be wrathful... But then she'd know when enough was enough, and she'd fix it all. I think of Trish, she'd laugh it all off like it was water under the bridge, even if it still hurt inside. I think of Elise... There's no question what she would do. She'd definitely have hit her... And then... She'd do this.

I reach my hand out to Jenny, who looks perplexed by my actions, before grasping it and allowing me to help her to her feet.

"You know how frustrating you are? You should be some kind of moustache twirling villain, tying people to train tracks and laughing... I should be able to hit you and feel satisfied... But I don't. I just feel numb." I explain, releasing her hand. "I think it's because I remember something Trish said to me once. 'People are more than just one thing.' You were a bully, but you were also a kid, trapped in a shitshow and trying to survive... That part? Sounds a lot like what I went through. So I won't ever forget that first part... but I can't hate you because of the second... But then, maybe I could? Maybe I can be a monster and still be the victim... But then there's no difference between us, is there? Better to quit while I'm ahead." I finish with a sigh. "I forgive you."

I feel... Colder. Not like icy, but... Like a soothing wind after sitting around an open flame. Jenny looks like she's going to cry again, this time from joy. Damn it, she's not allowed to do that... If she does then I'm going to cry, because secretly I'm a big baby. Out of nowhere I'm pulled forwards, into one of the most uncomfortable hugs I've ever had... But then... Hugs do make everything better.

Guess we can both cry then.