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Chapter 3 by WhatTheHellMan WhatTheHellMan

What shows up?

A detailed profile, with preferences, fetishes, sexual history, and more

The app opens to a picture of your face, with your name and age listed at the top. It looks nice and clean like a regular dating app. Below your picture are tabs with different characteristics of yours, all pertaining to your sex life. The “Basics” tab has some standard information like height and weight, but also details about your body like size of your genitals, ass, mouth and even tongue length. The “Preferences” tab has your orientation, body types, personality traits and others.

The first tab that wasn’t normal for a dating app was listed “Fetishes.” There were two columns, listed as “Unlocked” and “Locked.” That gave you some pause, but then it clicked: sometimes you don’t know what you like until you try it, or at least think about it for a while. Fetishes are like taste buds, in a way. You don’t really choose what you like and don’t like, you just have to try it to find out a lot of the time.

The last tab was labeled “History,” and it didn’t take a fortune teller to predict what it was for. There were overall statistics at the top: number of sexual encounters, last sexual encounter, masturbation count, most orgasms in a session, and more. Below that was a dated list of each sexual. You click on one and it expands into a detailed summary of that session. The list was searchable and could be filtered by metrics like “solo,” “duo,” and “group.”

You back out from the tabs to the main menu, and you see two icons: a magnifying glass and a camera. You tap the magnifying glass and a search bar opens with the words “Enter a name.” You type in your friend’s name: Casey Johnson, and hit search. A lengthy list of people pop up, in the thousands. Turns out that her name is kind of common, you realize. You probably will want to find out someone’s full name to keep a broad search manageable. What about the camera?

You tap the camera icon and the standard interface pops up, without the fancy filter options. Well, duh. You need someone to take a picture of. You sit up and look out your bedside window to the street below. You see a woman jogging on the sidewalk and you take a quick picture of her. The app automatically tagged the picture with her name and even the neighbor trimming their hedges. You didn’t even realize they were in the frame when you took the pic. Interesting. This seems to be a much easier way to find the right person, though you are a bit conspicuous when you take a picture versus just searching in the privacy of your room.

Which name do you try to look up?

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