With his first anniversary gift.

I know that some women out there are going, "He's a not a good man. He's taking advantage of you. He doesn't want you to lose weight because he knows you're just settling, and can get any man you want. You're not a sex toy that he can play with whenever he wants. He's manipulating you into being someone you're not. You don't have to be some poor submissive who thinks she can only be happy if she puts herself below him. You're a strong, independent woman, and perfect the way you are, Queen. You should divorce him, take all his money, and blahdy-blahdy-blah..."

And my response to that is, "I'm very sorry, that the man who would have been your perfect husband, who would have loved you with all of his heart, found someone better to spend the rest of his life with."

I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. But like I said before, you have to be each other's biggest fans to make any relationship work. And I am his. He's smart, funny, patient, understanding, and passionate about his hobbies. He is steady when I'm an emotional wreck, the best friend anyone could ask for, an excellent social climber, and a fantastic father to our kids. He also knows how to keep me from getting myself into trouble. And he fucks like either the most sensual and sensitive lover, or a wild animal. There is no in-between. The biggest flaw he has though, is that he gets openly hostile whenever he or his friends are losing in whatever game they're playing, but after a bit of a sulk, he's right as rain again.

That being said though, he is also the most annoying, insufferable, irritating, and stubborn human I have ever met. He will somehow find something incredibly stupid and/or expensive to get into, and that usually ends up with a long and thankfully not very loud "discussion" about how we've always got to find room for his "stuff" but can't seem to find any for my "junk". Can someone please tell me how a 1/52 scale Cosmic Quest spaceship is more financially justifiable than a handmade glass octopus decanter and wine glass set? At least mine has a function, while his thing is just taking up space! (Pun unintended) And when life doesn't remind him to be humble in time, his ego can make him a nightmare to be with. Some days he pisses me off so much that the urge to actually smother him when we do 69, would almost be worth it.

Problem being is that he said that if he had a choice, that's exactly how he'd like to go out, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

God, I love that man so much.

Speaking of things that pissed me the fuck off, his 1-year anniversary present to me is probably the most insulting thing he has ever given me, that rarely ever sees the light of day. But that's because it's reserved for super special occasions, ie, when I decide to bring it out.

In the week leading up to our anniversary, he was the picture of a perfect partner. Dirty laundry? In the hamper instead of on the floor. Kitchen? Full of my favorite snacks. Apartment? Spotless (enough). My favorite sappy movies already downloaded, with the comforter neatly folded, ready for us to curl up and watch together on TV. I wanted for nothing. Naturally, I was immediately suspicious about what dumb thing he had bought, or what he wanted me to do. But nothing prepared me for what he had in mind.

On the morning of our anniversary, he had left for work early, as he always did, but on the kitchen counter, there was a note telling me to look in the oven. And inside was a plate of some toast and sausages, all cut up and curved into little hearts, and an omelette. On top of the omelette, he had written out in ketchup "H.A.B-B! <3.U!". It was so cheesy but so sweet. (The act, not the omelette). In the afternoon, a small bouquet of my favorite flowers were sent to my desk at work. All the girls there were jealous (which is always a good thing), and the guys did not look so happy. If I had to guess, they probably felt as though they had to do the same for their partners, and maybe they didn't want to. But I had a great big smile on my face the rest of the day, and let nothing bring me down. Dinner was chicken cordon bleu (my favorite), homemade by my husband, and it was romantic and intimate. Then we exchanged gifts.

He had just made manager, so I got him an initialized laptop bag. It's now in the shelf in his home office, because the straps have broken off. And when I opened up my gift, and saw what was in it, I could only purse my lips to the side, and scowl at him. He had the most apologetic/hopeful/sheepish/please don't be mad at me look on his face. I took in and let out a long breath slowly, beating down my fury by sheer will. With my gift in hand, I told him that I needed a minute, and marched straight to the spare bathroom, not our en suite. And he looked like a kicked puppy, but I was barely able to keep things civil.

What he had bought me, was a cowkini. And it was one of those string type ones, and the bits of it that were supposed to cover things up, were way too small, so there was basically nothing hidden. It also came with a headband with the ears and tiny plush horns on it. The only thing that would have made it worse, is if there was a fucking tail on the bottoms. There wasn't or else I would have completely lost my shit at the table.

I was fuming. He knew that I had been called that all through high school by the bitch clique. That I hated going to the beach or the pool because people would make fun of me. And though he made no secrets that he liked that I am fat, but the fact that he thought I'd be okay with letting him dress me up like that? The sheer audacity of that man. But then I sat down, took another breath, and tried to calm down.

He had just spent an entire week, and a day, doing his best to make sure everything I needed was being taken care of, and that I would have nothing to complain about. That whole week, I didn't lift a finger. He had everything handled. He knew that his present was going to make me mad, and he thought that this would make less mad. Which it obviously did not. Now did I appreciate everything he did? Yes, of course. I got to be lazy and was waited on hand and foot. Who doesn't want that? But is that worth forgiving him for this insult of a gift?

And then I started thinking about it from his perspective. All of these extra things he did, there were other things he could have been doing with his time. Things that he would have probably liked doing more, rather than basically running errands for my benefit. And if I believe the internet, what I saw as romantic and sweet, he saw as work. And if there wasn't something worth all that effort, he won't do it again. Which I want him to do.

So my problem was, how do I give him the reward he wants, so that he keeps doing special things for me; but at the same time, tell him that what he wants as a reward was unacceptable?