Why can’t I?

When we got back to the venue after lunch, it was much the same as before. We watched the tournament all the way to the finals, then parted ways at the bus stop. Well, I took a bus, Noelle took a cab.

I got home at about 9:00 pm. Early, but a good hour for a Sunday. After having a short chat with mom, I went up to my room. I could hear Isabelle playing with Cake in hers.

I sank on my desk chair and turned on my computer out of habit. While it booted up, I tried to rest my mind from the day’s exhaustion. My body was fine. I didn’t feel that tired from walking around all day, but being surrounded by so many people was stressful.

The thing is… I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, because it wasn’t, but in the afternoon… a lot of guys approached Noelle. That in itself is not a bad thing, I suppose, but the way in which they did…

See, it’s coming across LIKE THAT what I’ve always aimed to avoid. Being pushy, inappropriate, not getting the hint that she’s politely saying she doesn’t want to talk.

At first I didn’t want to interfere. There was no reason for me to. If she wanted to talk to anyone, it was up to her. But when the second guy was suggesting (for the third time) that they go get something to eat, I had to step in. Noelle looked at me as if asking for help, so I went up to them, told Noelle that a new match was starting and we used that as an excuse to get away. And after that…

Ugh. You know what? It doesn’t matter. It was awkward, stressful, but it didn’t escalate to anything, so it’s better to just forget about it. Other than that, we had a great time.

“Right, I have to add her as a friend…” I muttered.

Add her not to any social media page, but to my PC games account.

“Yuria…” I muttered as I typed.

She gave me the name of the account she used for streaming. I don’t know if it’s the only account she has, she trusts me, or it’s less of a hassle for her or something, but it felt strange. She was trying to keep it all a secret, right? Of course, I’d be dead before I revealed this to anyone, but I still thought she shouldn’t trust me so easily.

Noelle, a streamer. I still can’t get over it. It’s wild. I couldn’t do it. To be socially anxious and still live stream yourself playing games and trying to do commentary for hundreds of people, all permanently recorded on the internet… Crap, I was starting to feel nervous in Noelle’s stead. What’s wrong with me?

Curiosity got the better of me and I ended up searching her videos typing her name. The search showed many of the videos she told me about, those about her reviewing plastic model kits. Robot figures, spaceships and others… But the one that caught my attention was the very first result, one that had nothing to do with model kits.

The video was titled ‘Yuria gently shoots down a simp.’

A part of me didn’t want to watch it… But another was too curious, so I clicked on it. It was… a surreal experience.

The video started with Noelle’s white-haired avatar, Yuria, telling a story that to anyone else would be just an anecdote, but to me it sounded very, very obviously as her telling of how she and Alice found Cake and brought her over to our house.

Setting aside the fact that Yuria and her chat were… talking about me, I had to wonder: If Noelle spoke about stuff like this more often, she’d get caught in no time.

The video zoomed in on the chat messages of one person who went by YuriaSIMP01.

-YuriaSIMP01: Her brother?

-YuriaSIMP01: Your heart melted? So you like this guy?

-YuriaSIMP01: Yuria, are you seeing somebody?

{YuriaSIMP01 has donated $50 with the following message}: MARRY ME YURIA!!!

I winced hard.

God, Noelle had to deal with stuff like this even online? I think I would understand if she told him off or completely ignored him. Hell, with a donation, I bet plenty of other streamers would let the guy keep going. Yet Noelle’s answer was…

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to disable donations from now on. I set them up because people kept asking me to do it, saying they wanted to support me, but I’m not doing this for the money. I’m really sorry, but I need to make this clear, everyone. I’m not here to make money off of people’s emotions. I stream because I like it, not because I need it. I’m sorry to sound so harsh, but if… God, this is awkward to say. I… don’t want people simping over me. I don’t need that drama. I’m not seeing anyone right now, I don’t have a boyfriend, but I might at some point. I’d rather not lead anyone on, give anyone any sort of false hope. We’re just streamer and audience, not friends. I don’t think that’s better or worse, just different, with its own set of boundaries.”

My respect for her rose even higher, and it was already pretty high up. She handled the situation as best as she could, and her chat seemed to agree with me as they praised her for it.

I almost went down the rabbit hole after four more videos, three of which were clips of her playing and one was a review of a robot model kit. What made me stop was that watching them… made my chest sting.

I looked at my guitar in the corner of my room, neatly in its stand.

Why couldn’t I dare to try something similar?

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