Tyalangan Leads a MM Review (And Daphne Regrets Some Life Choices)

The Show-runner

A brief note: For ease of reading, all movie and character references in this review are translated into the versions known in the reader’s dimension. Many have different names in Tyalangan’s home dimension.

Daphne

“…And Ten!” the mermaid half-screeches.

Daphne rubs her sore weird human butt. She does NOT like spankings. At least she didn’t cry (too much) this time. Her lower lip still quibbles.

“With that,” my Beloved intones, “part one of your prank punishment is complete.”

While the sea elf pauses for dramatic effect, Daphne panics. Part one!?!?!? She feels herself lifted and placed in her Beloved’s lap. Her sore bottom complains and Daphne whimpers.

“You thought a few spankings were going to get you out of instigating all of that? Nope. Now, part two is going to hurt me just as much as you.”

Daphne whimpers. My Beloved has her Mom Voice going. This is going to be bad!

Her Beloved gently caresses Daphne’s chin. “We are going to do a MM review together and you, my beloved mermaid, are going to sit on my lap and participate.”

Oh, that’s probably not too bad. “So, Beloved, what are we reviewing?”

“Running the Gauntlet, by, I presume, Cow-guy.”

“Oh, this won’t be too bad!” Daphne beams.

She really should have taken Tyalangan’s mischievous smirk more seriously.

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Daphne tries desperately to squirm out of her Beloved’s grip, shouting “No!”

With mock-confusion, her Beloved teases, “Why, Daphne, I thought you loved doing these reviews to make friends with Gina? Cow-Guy is Shar’s transcriber and shares her fetishes. Why are you objecting so strenuously?”

“I don’t wanna read a story about some dweeb named Prince Guy marching through Kingdom Hearts at home, pornified. Disney is so racist against mermaids!”

“Oh, I know. We are going to suffer through what is likely a bunch of Disney princesses being turned into pregnant goth hu-cows with overinflated leaky egg sacs. All because you had to instigate a prank war.”

Daphne bares her shark-like teeth. “I am so annoyed with you right now, Beloved.”

Tyalangan boops her nose, “Good. Then the punishment is working.”

“And this Guy is a total creep.”

“I suppose it is nice to see that Cow-guy can write a darker story. So, Guy is a beta tester like that Curtis fellow from the Magic Pirate story. He is seeking a full-time contract with the evil The Company and must go through a gauntlet of worlds in order to do so. His World One quest is to seek out an enslave five Disney princesses. Target number one is apparently Cinderella. She took to enslavement quite well.”

“Beloved, are you not enjoying this? We could stop, read something else? Cow-guy also has a fun story about a casino?”

“Save it for Tina later. Guy, Ella, and a tracker named Fogbert head towards Snow White’s queendom. They run into Little Red Riding Hood as a werewolf, if I have to guess, and she runs off with an enslavement band on her foreleg. And it looks like the next chapter confirmed my assumption. And, man, the infinite money perk is annoying me immensely already.”

Daphne teases, “I mean, does my infinite money transformation annoy you?”

“No. You have to do something for it and we use it as a form of tax relief primarily. His is just ‘here is a heaping sack of gemstones!’ every morning. Anyways, Fogbert is paid off to go home early. The duo arrive at the Snow White capital, and, through a bunch of flattery, Guy enslaves both the evil Queen and Snow White. They make plans and Guy maybe starts to succumb to mission creep?”

“And the egg sacs expansion begins!” Daphne chirps, trying to avoid thinking about the awful racist mermaid caricatures in their reading future.

“Red Riding Hood shows up enslaved and is added into the mix with full control of her lycanthropy shifting. They head to get Rapunzel and Gothel, again using persuasion and intimidation checks to trick the enslaving bracelets on them. Also, some guards woman named Cassandra? I will admit never seeing Tangled or its subsequent spin-offs.”

Daphne picks up the narrative, “The gang easily defeats a highwayman scam on their way to capture…” the mermaid pauses to shudder, which causes her to yelp as her still sore booty wiggles in Tyalangan’s lap, “fake mermaid Ariel. They all get to the Prince Eric party. May I offer another strike against Guy?”

“Sure, my lovely mermaid.”

“It is really off-putting that the evil Queen is his head waifu. It would be one thing if Ella was, but it makes him look like a scumbag that he gallivants around with a baddie while his captive princesses are reduced to servants.”

“Point taken. Continue. I really think you should summarize the next bit.”

Daphne is so annoyed, rolling her eyes as her Beloved teases her neck with little kisses. “Fine. Mr. Smooth Talker convinces the not yet enslaved Cassandra that fake mermaid Ariel is going to hurt Prince Eric and they plot fishnapping her with an enchanted net. Then they **** the bird so he couldn’t squawk about it. Good riddance. Will I be so lucky that everything from that evil racist movie dies?”

“Probably not. Wanna share with the review audience why you hate The Little Mermaid so much?”

“Where to begin? No gills. No pointy teeth. No fins, outside of the big caudal one. No webbed fingers. A belly button? Really? And, worst of all, no self respecting mermaid ever covers up her egg extractors like that! The stupid humans took what should have been a beautiful mermaid and made her a dumb human with a fish tail! Mermaids are adapted to a marine environment and they look it! It’s like as if they made a movie full of Scottish stereotypes as interpreted by Hollywood and called it representation! You get it, as someone formerly ethnically Scots-Irish, right Beloved?”

Tyalangan muses, “Well, I didn’t see Brave, so they might have? Also, Guy does apparently steal the clamshell bra off-transcript, probably when he bracletted her.”

Daphne pouts, “First halfway decent thing he did all story…”

“Anyways, the crew heads back the way they came to grab Rapunzel and Gothel. Cassandra is enslaved as they go and Guy gaslights Ariel to help speed up her timer. They get back to the evil Queen’s castle, where they plot against Maleficent.”

“We have more mermaid racism. Mermaids are known for eating testicles. Not blowjobs.”

That gets Tyalangan to raise an eyebrow. “And how many blowjobs did you give me back when I was so equipped to receive them?”

Daphne looks like she wants to object, but then stops and looks down. “Point taken. Still, that fake mermaid skank trying to grow babies by filling her egg sacs with sperm is a good thing. Though she apparently needed Guy’s help since she is a moron. Sperm goes down the oviduct, not your esophagus, dummy! I doubt Guy is going to be as good of a mermaid parent as you, Beloved.”

Tyalangan smiles,“Complimenting my parenting game is not going to get you out of this, my beloved mermaid. Half the gang go fight Maleficent. It goes off with minimal hitches, getting enslavement bracelets on both her and Aurora. They hang out at the ruined castle to gank Prince Philip’s magic items and maybe the fae trio. Guy breaks the system by becoming a dragon after Maleficent ticks over to his possession. The faeries are a no show and Phillip signs his soul away like a dunce, getting turned into a cat-girl then immediately sold off.”

“They then have a team meeting back at the Evil Queen’s castle. Fake mermaid Ariel wants to say bye to her fake minor deity Triton dad, and they are going to get the Frozen girls on the way. Another pair of girls willingly put on enslavement bracelets. While they wait for timers to kick in, fake mermaid Ariel contract enslaves a couple of her fake mermaid sisters.”

Tyalangan interrupts, “That leads to Guy being a real creep again, having the Kat girl we haven’t mentioned yet give all three Disney mermaids fetishes in blowjobs, cum addiction, exhibitionism, large breasts, and ****, which is a very asshole thing to do. Planning on selling girls just to free up space is also assholeish.”

Daphne pointedly ignores addressing how many of her species have pretty much that exact list of fetishes. Instead, she continues, “Once Elsa falls to bracelet enslavement, the whole gang has an orgy, then we get one final(?) trip. First part is to snag the Brave girl. This Merida is less annoying to read than the Merida Rule violator in Mark’s harem. Looks like Guy is going to cheat his way through an archery tournament final for the girl’s hand?”

The sea elf nods, “Yup. They take the bonnie lass with them, enslaving bracelet timer ticking down. After flying to a convenient river on dragon back, Evil Queen unfurls a Folding Boat, then off to Agrabah. Guy buys enslavement via biting (which might be a rule violation, as the Catalogue says you are only allowed one capture method from my glancing through the scenario builder) and uses it to claim Merida early. They also kill a giant river croc, which serves as a good excuse to explain their presence to Jafar. Another pair of enslaving bracelets handed out: one to Jafar, the other to Jasmine. Then, they are picking up a random female genie? That’s got to be an Aladdin TV show reference. It just wasn’t that great without Robin Williams as the actual genie.”

Daphne shrugs.

Tyalangan continues, “Guy asks the genie to put on an enslavement bracelet and she does so. He gets a fun warning about her power level, then uses up his wishes: to start wizardry via a book of learnable spells, speed run the three Agrabah enslavement timers, then free the genie from the lamp. Then, they wrap up (selling Jafar) and Guy sets up his Tier Two World in a Monster Girl Encyclopedia land. Time for general thoughts. My beloved mermaid?”

“Guy is a creep and Disney is racist!”

“Anything else? Stuff we didn’t already mention?”

Daphne sighs, “Best Girl, Worst Girl?”

“First, we need to talk about the flawed conflict here. I imagine Cow-guy will say that ‘It’s a Tier One world, it’s supposed to be easy,’ but Guy was so overpowered the entire time that there weren’t any real stakes. Between advanced knowledge of the movies, experience at this waifu enslavement thing, and purchases, his trial here was notoriously dull. His plan was also boring, almost always boiling down to ‘perform a single persuasion check, succeed, give cursed bracelet, fap about while the enslavement timer ticks down (with various levels of trying to speed it up).’ He never failed to convince or needed a second conversation. He never got hurt in one of the few fights we had in the story. Even if someone was potentially able to stop them, they either rolled over to his charm or the overwhelming power of his slaves and purchases.”

“While we are doing a general critique, I don’t know how to feel about Guy. Is he someone so jaded by the Waifu Catalogue process that he shed any sense of decency? Was he always this sociopathic monster? Is his irredeemable personality even remotely justifiable? I mean, he is severely unlikable, regardless. Thoughts?”

Daphne stares at her beloved as if she wanted this done half an hour ago. “Can we wrap this up so I can mail Cow-guy a severed dolphin head or something.”

“Mail services to Cow-guy denied. Final general gripe, too much BE. I get that they are cartoons that you are imagining as sex slaves, but they don’t have to look like cartoons. Best Girl, Worst Girl?”

“Best girl Anna. Worst girl the fake mermaids.”

“Personally,” Tyalangan critiques, “I find picking Best and Worst Girl a little difficult. So many of these girls rolled over so easily that they feel more like a name and stat block than people. I honestly could not tell you the personality of half of Guy’s slaves. Some of that is reliance on Disney properties I haven’t seen, like Tangled and Brave (or properties that I just didn’t care for, like the Aladdin TV show); some of that might just be Guy not giving a fuck after he owns them. Seriously, just how many conversations did he have with an enslaved girl after the timer ticked over? And how many of those conversations were more than planning how to enslave someone else? Perhaps Cow-guy expected that the fan-fic aspect would cover the lack of time he spent developing the girls in story? I can’t believe this is going to be the overarching complaint, but he should have slowed down, elaborated, added points of resistance to the enslavement procedure. Watching Snow White struggle to resist would make her feel like more than ‘Goth Future Maid Number 2.’ So, best girl, Elsa, I guess? Her bit of personality she got to show in her succumbing date was interesting. Worst Girl, Hilde, aka Evil Queen. Yes, she is basically the only one who got actually developed post enslavement, but she is an enabling monster. So, fuck her.”

Daphne pouts. “We done tormenting me?”

“For now. Cow-guy doesn’t look anywhere close to his World Two chapters being done. We might pick it back up, if it gets to that point. What have we learned?”

“Not to let Airika have her phone during reviews?”

Tyalangan gives Daphne a **** glare. That is not the right answer. “Don’t go egging houses in other dimensions without permission?”

Tyalangan smirks as she replies, “Close enough.”

Daphne is glad for once to hop out of her Beloved’s lap. Her butt is still sore. She turns to ask, “Hey, did Mattie get off scot-free? That’s not fair.”

“Nope. Her punishment was to edge during the entirety of your punishment. And not get spankings after.”

The astral elf, sweaty and suddenly visible in the office corner, whines, “Can I please cum now, Mistress?”

“If you cum now, it wasn’t edging. Lesson learned?”

She pulls her fingers out from her slippery snatch and pouts. The sea elf gives them both kisses and they are politely ushered out of the Host’s office.

“Well,” Mattie sighs, “That was fun. Now I am going to go find Airika and show my appreciation of her snitching. Bye!” The astral elf cast Fly and then zooms away.

Daphne is standing in the hallway, a little lost in thought. Okay, I should not go egg Marcie’s mansion again. Different prank for Gina’s friendship next time! I wonder if I can talk Scarlet into making my spanking ouchies go away?